WHG: Waiting out the time before D...

[workinghardguy]

Yep doing ok, thanks for checking on my OLW Been terribly busy... it's grant application season and been up to my neck in work and volunteering. Just haven't gotten back here lately.

Spent the morning with my STBX at a class the court requires for parents divorcing with children. The class wasn't all that great, but at least it confirmed for me that STBX and I are doing what we're supposed to do. STBX and I sat together and it was like old times. I was my usual self and she laughed a lot. Yet again no one would guess we're getting divorced... except for the part where we're at a class for people getting divorced

What frustrated me the most about the class was that it talked about conflict, about not trapping your kids in conflict, about resolving conflict. But what it didn't talk about was that, fundamentally, conflict and anger are choices you make. You choose to be angry. You choose to be pissed off. Maybe not initially as that's a biochemical reaction, but afterwards you choose whether to continue to grind your anger and feed the conflict. And if you have kids in the middle that's not ok. And even if you don't have kids it's still not healthy.

The class had one very awkward moment... the instructor asked if any of us got our way all the time in our failed marriages (the assumed answer is no). Suddenly my STBX raised her hand. The instructor noticed her and said, "you did?" STBX replied "Yes. All the time. He would move earth and mountains to get things my way." The instructor looked at her very seriously and replied, "Then you're an idiot [for divorcing him]". Then there was quiet tension until another woman blurted out, "Well I'll take him then".

I felt sorry for my STBX. I know what she meant. That I did do that, but not for the right reasons and not in the way she needed. Then after the class we talked for a while outside. About the kids, friends, and life. Suddenly she blurted out that she's sorry she failed me and our marriage. It came as we were discussing her friend who's getting a divorce. How her friend's husband blames my STBX. My STBX looks at me and says, "I told him {BFF's STBX], look, I own that I screwed everything up, failed [me], and destroyed my marriage..." and then goes on how she isn't going to own her BFF's failed marriage.

After that we talked a bit about how we got here at her lead. I owned what I feel I still own. But it was good and it was the first R talk in a long, long time.

Otherwise things are what they are. I still spend time with all the kids as much as I can, never as much as I want. Not dating yet. Tried it once. Turned out she was unhappily married. Go figure. Still trying to find my groove. I volunteered to coordinate and ride in a 400 mile bike ride this summer to raise money for the national network I work for. Definitely outside my comfort zone

My S is doing good... we had a fun Halloween. I was bothered by the fact that STBX chose to switch shifts so she could party instead of trick or treating with S, but her choice and her loss. S wanted to trick or treat with his cousin so I ended up going around with my STBX MIL, FIL, two SILs, a BIL, a niece and a nephew. It was interesting as usual with that crowd, but now when I'm with them I feel much freer. Like judge me or not I don't really care...