How should I try to handle him? Should I go out of my way to avoid him or should I act as if and go about doing my normal stuff?
The short answer, he has removed himself from the role of H, he is still the father of your children. My advice: Don't contact him unless it's an emergency about your children.
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How can I verbalize my boundary of not fighting? Do I just say that like I did before? I am not fighting or arguing with you? It worked well but really enraged him.
I'm not sure you need to verbalize it again if you already have. Just don't engage with him. When/if he starts say in an even tone, Your yelling (whatever it is he does)at me is unacceptable. If it continues I will walk away.
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Anyone got tips for helping me keep my cool when all I want to do is scratch his eyes out and beat him with a pan? Throw shoes at him. Hit with a broom, Throw rocks. Hurl insults. In a nutshell, hurt him back. You get the idea. Make him bleed. Why am I like that? It feels so primal and inhumane. I dunno. Suggestions are welcome.
We all still have our primal brain, it's learning to recognize when it kicks in and quieting it that's the problem. The above is all about you, and will follow you into all your R if you choose not to take responsibility for it and fix it.
Why are you like that? What do you think?
Hang in there, you can do this. You may not save your M but you can save you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Frankly because I have years of resentment from being left alone- more importantly lonely. I feel used. Discounted. Unworthy. Ugly. Hated. Disrespected. In a nutshell I need to forgive him for all of that. I don't know how at this point. Or even if I can. I've never had closure or even a chance to say that at a time when he could listen and hear. That is part of the problem. Likely I never will get that chance.
MKB, I'm catching up on your sitch. Wow. I wish I could do something to ease your anger and pain. You do need to express your feelings, so I suggest writing them all down in a letter addressed to him. BUT do not give this letter to him. Keep it for yourself, and maybe someday you will have a chance to express this to him. For now, though, I agree with labug that only urgent matters should prompt you contacting him. Remember, only urgent matters. After the dust settles, some form of communication can happen--that has nothing to do with your R.
I know how you feel. I felt the same last year and early this year. The man you married, the person you trusted the most and who you thought would be with you for the rest of your life seems to have morphed into an alien. I remember the anger just wouldn't go away. I couldn't sleep. I remember being angry at anyone who seemed happy: couples, families. It was a generalized anger. It was bad. It happens to all LBS and to all WAS.
We're here for you. Vent through your posts, and write that letter. Just remember to not give the letter to him now.
I had pretty much come to the same conclusion. As expected he did basically everything he could to try to pick a fight. Over and over. Finally I did address it. I started to get a little upset at one point but was able to back off. It was exactly what I said. As soon as I started to get upset he said see we can't even have a conversation. I think he NEEDS these fights to help justify his leaving and guilt. He did take s14. But otherwise I have no intention of talking to him. No way in the world am I going to do another thing that would even remotely give him justification. Time for him to put on his big girl panties and wear that blame himself. One thing he did say which was bs but I didn't rise to - I asked when he was going to get the girls. He said I don't know maybe tomorrow if Dan doesn't work. Dan he works with part time just cleaning up for him. Anyway I said oh he works Saturdays and Sunday's now? ( never ever ever has he in the past) he said well I don't know. I know full well he has every single intention of ditching them for xw1 if the opportunity arises. I did feel a little glad though that it is Friday evening and as of yet there were no plans. Maybe I am too optimistic. I dunno. I have thought about their R quite a bit. I can only hope neither of them DB and will shortly be back in their old habits. Also, I can remember some of his complaints and likely he will remember too. So here's hoping. Also, of course I am sure he is not the great big barrel of fun to be around. So feeling a little better anyway.
I think he is just depressed and grieving and blaming me. However, I am tired of being blamed. Tired of settling for this angry nasty hateful person who seems so completely self absorbed.
Hi MKB! Yours is one a only a few thread I have found were the spouse has depression. I have skimmed over your first and last page to see that you h acts a lot like my depressed h.
In the begging you wrote the words above...yes he is grieving! He is in pain and h is blaming you, I'm sure to the point of unbelievable anger. Anger that your going to hurt yourself with more than him.
I speak from a lot of experience. My anger, and yes h still can pull it out of my with one word, was/is so intense that it became something h used to quicken himself, to draw from for a blast of ego drive energy.
You have been at this for a long time...try to let this time be/end the way that is ultimately best for you. Not h, not the kids, you are most important and the kids will follow. A happy mommy is all they want even if h is not there it's you they draw from.
My kids are old enough to verbalize there opinons and they say "leave him alone, it's his problem, GAL mom''!
They are self absorbed, and it's not going away any time soon. My h is peering out of the tunnel, but hell we can spend hours still talking all about him.
Bored to death, on the computer, peeing, eating all while he's rambling about his interests. Granted it gets worse when he's on his crutch, marijuana, but it's all him even sober.
I hope you can find some clarity, I am only on the very beginnings of doing that for myself and its crazy how a little bit goes a long way. My silence or disappearance has turned the tables on him leaving him wondering and seeking me out.
I hope you find some peace, were are on our own roads as well, you/we matter too!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Thanks DawnMarie! I looked over your sitch the other day but haven't caught up. I agree they sound very similar but then so many of the WAS have tons in common.
Updating- I am pretty calm today except for anxiety over the children. H has not called yet and it is almost noon. So basically, they want to go visit and he has so far made no plans. I feel like I should call and see what is going on and if he is going to get them today. But then the other part of my thinks that is trying to "fix" both for him and them and I should just let it go. Let him be a big boy and deal with it as it comes. However, they are hurting. Want to see him.
One thing last night that upset me. We were heading into town to trick or treat and we passed H on the road. I thought maybe he would turn around or something so he could see the girls in their costumes but no. It was weird because we literally passed him and then turned into the gas station.
I could tell he had been to the store as there were bags all over the seat. I dunno. I guess he was in a hurry to get home though. There is always the possibility he didn't see us I guess but I doubt it.
What do you guys think? Should I call or just let it go?
I should point out at this point he is spending one evening a week with them. So last time they actually spent any time with him was last Sat when I went to the concert. He left when I got home about 12.
Then the week before was his birthday and they spent about 4 hours with him.
So this is really becoming a huge problem for them. He is unavailable. Basically he will say I will take them anytime, see them whenever they want but in truth he never seeks them out or contacts. He has also told them he will call and never does. In a nutshell he is turning into a deadbeat dad very very quickly.
Mk: I have been told by people here that it is not our responsibility to maintain their real relationships with the kids. He's a big boy, and has to be accountable for his actions today, and always.
What you could do is never expect him to do what he should...and you won't get let down. We all should be sick off receiving zero of what we want!
Good Luck!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I know you are right! Thanks for reinforcing what I know. I guess too you are right that I am let down as well. I have to remember no expectations. I hope you have a great day! Now I am getting ready and the kids and I are going to head out!
