Lost and confused

[Soul.Searching]

I have always loved roller coasters but this one is horrific. I want to get off already U Have Had had minimal contact with H these last few days. He video called the children lastnight but I gave it straight to D9 then he hung up as soon as he finished talking to S8
I'm finding my highs are high but my lows are low. Nights and weekends are the hardest.

I forgive him and I forgive me, I don't have any anger towards him. What he done hurts like hell and I know it has to have hurt him a lot to do this.
He knows what it's like and yet he done it to our children too.

I just miss him so much. I miss who he used to be, the past couple of years he has been so ago and moody. I think the increase in his anger, moodiness and irrational behaviour was so gradual, I didn't even notice. He has always had these traits but they became pretty much a everyday occurrence.

I don't like the fact that I didn't notice.


I'd really like input on something's here. This is mainly what we fought about, that has to do with me. I'd like some other people's views on how I should have handled these things. I don't know if H and I will ever reconcile. I have high doubts but maybe this could help in any other possible R down the track, be it H or someone else.

#1 money: So I would get annoyed at H for going to the pub when we had bills that needed to be paid. (H got us in to a lot of debt about 5 years ago, so we have been living week to week. He decided to up and leave now, when most of it is finally paid off. Just one bill left that is nearly done too.)
A lot of the time I would say to him that we really couldn't afford him to do that.
I just don't know what else I could have done, except ignore it?
I did try getting him to pay the bills once, so he could see for himself but he just paid huge amounts to the less important bills and left no money for the ones that HAD to be paid. He got the shits with me telling him, so he quit paying.


# 2 was his lying, mostly over tiny things but a lie is a lie and it slowly killed my trust. How do you handle that? I guess not marrying a compulsive lier?

# 3 he said he was tired of feeling like a little boy in trouble all the time. The examples I can think of are

A: him posting comments on work colleague Facebook that I found inappropriate EG on a half naked pic he wrote " Wow, that hot I need to see more pics of that night." I don't find that appropriate. Is that something that would concern you?

B: we took the kids out of school early had H filled in the early leave form, his reason was "because I can" I was horrified lol that is a legal note that needs robe filled for the protection of our children. I didn't get angry but told him he shouldn't have wrote that.

C: me not wanting him to buy new boats, motorbikes, camper trailers on credit. We got really messed up by that already. I never said he couldn't get them, only that we saved up for them and not went through high interest loans etc

D: I did get frustrated when he used to drop everything to go out with a friend if they called. I guess I could have let that slide but I feel if we have planned to spend the day together, he should not just drop me and the kids because a mate wants him to go fishing.

E: I do admit I did get frustrated about him going out drinking after he had been away for work. I thought that he should be spending time with us before going out drinking.

So what could I have done differently there ?

#4 he would get frustrated because he expected me to rub his head every night, give him back scratches and massages. He never did any of that for me except a rare occasional massage, that always quickly lead to something else. He couldn't get why it frustrated me that I never really got a proper massage.
I don't see why it should always be me doing it for him. Even when I had a very physical job, it was almost guarrenteed that if my back was killing me, so was his.
It didn't matter that u had a physical job that was mostly done by males, My hours were no where near as long as his, so I had no right to complain.

This is not about him, I want to know how I could have handled things better, I'd like total honest opinions, please.

[Soul.Searching]

I'd really like brutal honesty on the above post if anyone responds. I'm really trying to own my mistakes. Im struggling to see many I made (in general, regular occurrences) I need this for me.

[theUF]

# 2 was his lying, mostly over tiny things but a lie is a lie and it slowly killed my trust. How do you handle that? I guess not marrying a compulsive lier?

Tough one.
How did you handle it?
By constantly trying to catch him in a lie?
By asking "smart" questions he really sees through even though he might not say it?

I have a close friend who dated a compulsive liar. He got hurt, had a lot of resentment and tried changing her by catching her in her lies and constantly telling her how wrong and damaging her lying was. It only made it worse, A LOT.

Every time he caught a lie he would get more upset and she would get more defensive(by lying more).

I also had a close friend who turned out to be a compulsive liar. I cut him off completely. It's not that easy with someone you love.

I don't know what works, but have a certain idea of what does not. Hoping someone else has some good advice about dealing with lying?

A: him posting comments on work colleague Facebook that I found inappropriate EG on a half naked pic he wrote " Wow, that hot I need to see more pics of that night." I don't find that appropriate. Is that something that would concern you?

I'm not an overly jealous guy, but yes, that would concern me. It's just inappropriate and sends out the wrong signals.

D: I did get frustrated when he used to drop everything to go out with a friend if they called. I guess I could have let that slide but I feel if we have planned to spend the day together, he should not just drop me and the kids because a mate wants him to go fishing.

I've done the same thing. I felt I was around X every day, but not my mates. So if the opportunity arised I would sometimes leave at short notice. I guess I knew it was not the right thing to do, but I didn't want to always say no.

Maybe instead of "nagging" you could've suggested a better way to do it. He should have planned with his mates in advance so you could get a notice. He probably did the same as me, not planning but just jumping when an opportunity arised. If the friends see him coming on short notice, will they bother to plan in advance?

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks UF, I really appreciate the reply.

# 2 was his lying, mostly over tiny things but a lie is a lie and it slowly killed my trust. How do you handle that? I guess not marrying a compulsive lier?

Tough one.
How did you handle it?
By constantly trying to catch him in a lie?
By asking "smart" questions he really sees through even though he might not say it?

I have a close friend who dated a compulsive liar. He got hurt, had a lot of resentment and tried changing her by catching her in her lies and constantly telling her how wrong and damaging her lying was. It only made it worse, A LOT.

Every time he caught a lie he would get more upset and she would get more defensive(by lying more).

I also had a close friend who turned out to be a compulsive liar. I cut him off completely. It's not that easy with someone you love.

I don't know what works, but have a certain idea of what does not. Hoping someone else has some good advice about dealing with lying?

See that The thing about me, something can happen now and then something can happen a week, even month later and the two things will just suddenly click. It sounds stupid but it's like things just come to me.
The past year or so I guess I did look for the lies though. H said once that I was like a detective, asking the same questions in different formats.
I had tried ignoring it. I had tried talking to him
Politely and telling him how it made me feel. I know the past year I handled it badly, I just had no idea how to handle it.

A: him posting comments on work colleague Facebook that I found inappropriate EG on a half naked pic he wrote " Wow, that hot I need to see more pics of that night." I don't find that appropriate. Is that something that would concern you?

I'm not an overly jealous guy, but yes, that would concern me. It's just inappropriate and sends out the wrong signals.

I'm not either. Though towards the end he did have me feeling very insecure and lost my trust. If he commented on a random naked picture, I wouldn't like it but I would let it slide. Posting a direct comment to someone, especially someone he knew really felt like he was over stepping a boundary.

D: I did get frustrated when he used to drop everything to go out with a friend if they called. I guess I could have let that slide but I feel if we have planned to spend the day together, he should not just drop me and the kids because a mate wants him to go fishing.

I've done the same thing. I felt I was around X every day, but not my mates. So if the opportunity arised I would sometimes leave at short notice. I guess I knew it was not the right thing to do, but I didn't want to always say no.

Maybe instead of "nagging" you could've suggested a better way to do it. He should have planned with his mates in advance so you could get a notice. He probably did the same as me, not planning but just jumping when an opportunity arised. If the friends see him coming on short notice, will they bother to plan in advance?

I tried that one. Apparently me politely Telling him how that made me feel and asking if he could plan in advance was me being controlling and he shouldn't have to. How would you have reacted if you X had had that convo with you? How could it be worded to have actually gotten a positive response?

[Tumbling]

Hello Soul.Searching
I've just read your entire thread. Welcome to the ride of your life. I'm sorry you find your Self here but in a way am glad you are as the DB community is so good for preventing giddiness on this roller coaster.

That poem you wrote at 15 moved me.
That young Lisa was very wise, she knows what you need to do now.

The responses you had to some of your H's behaviours - mentioned above - sound reasonable to me, but maybe how you reacted to the behaviours might have made him feel bad. My take is it's all cause and effect so we (being the aware ones) can ensure the effect is different in all relationships.

Money - this is often a major issue in relationships. Not everyone is responsible w money - some just can't get their head round delaying gratification - but there are ways to manage money so everyone's a winner. Not to sound flippant but did the pair of you sit down and talk about how to achieve both things - bills get paid and H gets to go out. If H can be responsible. It did come across that you vetoed him - don't worry I did this too!

Lying - i hate lies. I would not understand why someone would lie about things that don't seem to matter. What do you think makes him lie - does he feel inferior to others? does he feel he can't tell you the truth because he feels bad about something - my H doesn't lie, he just doesn't tell. Once again i think it's about responsibility to another. I don't know how to handle lies or not telling something. They both frustrate me

Feeling bad - i realised after H left that I was the queen of making him feel badly about him Self. When you've read the other books - you might want to take a look at How to fix your marriage without talking about it. It explains how making a man feel bad can really wreck their self esteem. I have learned that there are ways to talk to people that don't make them feel badly but show how you feel about something. However some of the things you mention - once again point to his own responsibility.

But as we are all learning here - its not our business to change/control them - our business is changing what we can and knowing whether we want those behaviours in our lives.

All good things for your weekend


PS Thank you for posting on my thread a few days ago. Sorry I missed it til now.

[Tumbling]

Apparently me politely Telling him how that made me feel and asking if he could plan in advance was me being controlling and he shouldn't have to. How would you have reacted if you X had had that convo with you? How could it be worded to have actually gotten a positive response?

"H, I feel weird bringing this up but it really frustrates me when x happens. I know you don't mean to upset me but that's how I feel. Is there something we might try so that in future i can be kept in the picture?"

^^^^^ that might open a discussion with him leading re how to fix it in future and you recognise he's not doing it on purpose so he doesnt get defensive

also what is the feeling you got when it happened?
Or did you just think that he shouldn't act irresponsibily

Just my thoughts

[theUF]

Soul.Searching Hard to say really as I am in another state of mind now than before the break up. If she talked to me calmly and sincerely and conveyed her hurt feelings without "attacking" I think I would take it upon me. At least I would try to change it. People differ though.

It's a hard thing to balance. You don't want your mates seeing you as "that guy", and you don't want to hurt your W. Suddenly you feel caught in between, and W is nagging while your friends may not.

I started changing a bit, but sadly like many others, things had to go apart completely before I woke up and saw things more clearly.

[Tumbling]

I think this is a really tough thing to resolve/balance.
My H works w the navy so the guys go out a lot.
I don't mind at all, as long as I have notice so that I can make plans for my Self that night.
H seems to think me needing to know is about permission but it isn't. I will not be caged so I won't cage him but a little bit of courtesy helps grease the wheels.
Maybe there are other guys whose wives have them on a short rein and H doesn't want to be viewed as under the thumb, like UF says.
Perhaps it makes guys feel like children again?
On the other hand, do guys respect the guy who doesn't consider his gf/W?

Sorry for hijacking your thread but this subject is what caused us to end piecing in July

[labug]

My H said something similar in our talk. He likes being able to do what he wants, when he wants now that he's alone. He also said that at the beginning of this. I had to say I thought I had done the opposite and encouraged him to do things he enjoyed, with or without me.

His reply, "Then maybe it was just my feelings about it."

I should have asked the question "Help me understand how I kept you from doing what you wanted to do?"

Maybe what he really wanted to do was nothing.

[theUF]

Maybe there are other guys whose wives have them on a short rein and H doesn't want to be viewed as under the thumb, like UF says.
On the other hand, do guys respect the guy who doesn't consider his gf/W?

Yep this is were my balance went of, I got to far to one side. It felt like me standing up for me, but then I realized I wasn't showing her enough respect. The last years I still did some of my own things but also encouraged her/supported her in doing hers.

Your last sentence in the quote is so true.