I guess I can be here now 2

[KenF]

How are you May?

[Eryam]

F@ck DB.

You heard me right, f@ck it.

The last few months have been miserable. I found more pictures that yes, there was in fact a OW. I want to murder that b!tch.

H still swears they never slept together, and while there's no photographic evidence showing a penis in a vagina, you can make inferences.

If I knew then what I know now, I would not have DB.

I am f@cking miserable. My therapists (yes, multiple) are treating me like I have f@cking PTSD.

PTSD. That's how f@cked up I am.

So f@ck this sh!t. I wish I didn't have a child with this a$$hole. I could have just left him. And now I'm stuck in the position of being the bad guy and choosing whether or not to stay.

At this point, I just want to end it all.

So f@ck DB. F@ck it.

[MrBond]

So your H is messing around but you get mad at the people helping you to try to get through this.

Real classy. Good luck to you and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Oh and by the way, just a guess, but I don't think you're the only one who has had to deal with a cheating spouse.

[Eryam]

Right, because I made the claim that I'm the only one going through this.

Oh, and I've never taken any advice from anyone here either.

Ridiculous.

I'm just saying, for me, sleeping with her was crossing the line. It always was. That has never waivered.

And for those that think that they can forgive as long as certain things didn't happen (and I'm pretty sure we all have those boundaries), DB has now just made me more angry because I put so much time, faith and energy into a program that if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have invested in.

Not to say it didn't work. It worked. Beautifully. He came home, we reconciled, which was my goal.

But now I have more evidence of what happened. And had I known that at the time, I wouldn't have wasted my time.

But thanks for being judgmental. Bc you know me so well and all.

[MrBond]

Actually I do know you very well. Your story isn't that unique.

So you got your H back, which was your wish, why curse DB? It gave you what you wanted.

You must've known that there was a possibility he was sleeping around. The problem with dealing with this lies with you. You're not going to want to hear this, but even in your situation, YOU can be saved as well as your H.

So go ahead and vent, but don't go cursing the program because it got you your H back which is what you asked for. You don't have anyone else to blame but yourself. Take responsibility for a change. If you don't, it doesn't matter what relationship you're in. The exact thing will happen again.

[MrBond]

By the way, you had a lot of good hearted people helping you along the way. Plenty of honest people who are STILL hurting and helped you along because that's what we in DB do.

So your f@ck to DB also flies in their faces. They helped you when you needed it because they saw you were in pain. If you need to vent about your H, don't do it at the expense of those who helped you in your darkest time.

[Eryam]

You're right on that, and I don't deny it. This is my issue.

So, I apologize for saying to f@ck DB. As I stated in my reply, it did work beautifully for my intended goal. Beautiful.

But because I chose to follow this program, I'm now in a very blurred area of life where I have "saved" my marriage, but now that I have (almost) all of the pieces to the puzzle, I'm beyond torn.

And this isn't about future relationships. You assume I want a future relationship. If this relationship were to really end, I'm probably going to end with it. I'm tired of the pain.

And I take full responsibility for the pain. I don't know how to get over it. I'm tired of paying for therapy, and pills, and books, and forcing it.

I should have just taken my life when I found the receipt for those condoms. Then I wouldn't have a daughter to feel guilty for leaving, and I wouldn't have a marriage to feel guilty for abandoning.

I'm infuriated by the area of grey I am now in because of my accomplished goals from DB. That I implemented. And I pushed.

So yeah, I'm sorry, I'll take responsibility. I didn't mean to sound like I was trying to get out of that.

And yes, I know I sound like a martyr. But I'm so f@cking tired of it all.

[MrBond]

You know even considering to take your life is the most selfish thing you could ever do. Yeah that'll take away the pain. Too bad it'll mess up your D and your family forever, but hey, you wouldn't care right?

Look, I get the pain you're going through. In the end you pushed through all that. That makes you strong and not weak. You're in the exact place where many DBer's find themselves once they get their spouses back after not having your needs met for so long.

Bottom line is that's what it comes down to. You can't alter the past. All you can do is state what you want from here on out. And saying you want death isn't an option. You want to feel wanted, to feel like you can trust again, to not feel insecure and afraid. I get it. Right now your H has to be the one to comfort you and to show that he's trustworthy. He needs to be kissing your @$$. It starts with you talking to him about it.

Next time you wonder if it's all worth it, look into they eyes of your D. Really look. And then tell me if she's not worth it.

[KenF]

May, i'm so sorry youre in this mess and in this pain.

if you're sure, and if your boundary has been crossed, then you have 2 choices: stay and forgive - which doesnt sound like an option and thats fine, OR leave - if he crossed the line, then yes, you're absolutely within your right to make the decision to walk away.

neither choice is wrong, you just need to figure out which one is right for you.

and yes its going to hurt like a b@tch for a long time. but it does get better.

my x cheated, i had proof from the beginning, but i made the mistake of trying to save the marriage. and even if i saved it, i would have ended it eventually because i can never forgive her for what she did.

to me cheating is unforgivable, initially i had thought i could forgive her and get past it, the fear of being alone made me believe it, but when that fear passed it would have always eaten away at my mind. to others, they can work past it. i cannot.

and i too thought about ending it all, those thoughts have always been a part of me, but ultimately the x wasnt worth it. and my daughter most absolutely needs me. as yours does.

[KenF]

May, Gabbysmom is right, at this point you dont want to let this define your life. its horrible, he's an @ss, but dont let him change you for the worse. this stuff can mess you up, its up to you to prevent that.