hey bug, i've heard the same words from my H over the past 11 months. "i'm not in love with you anymore", "i didn't want to hurt your feelings", "i didn't want to give you false hope".
i also got the memories that were devoid of all the good times we had and filled with exaggerated misery and outright falsehoods.
i kept trying to reason with H about all of this because it just didn't ring true.
nothing that i said or did worked. it came to a point where i was feeling better about myself and really knew i would be ok. i gave H a kind of deadline for deciding to move home or not. when that "deadline" came and he told me he was returning to his mother's (after i had been on a trip and he had stayed in our house), i KNEW i was done.
i knew i needed to move forward with MY life (vs. OURS) and start a new chapter that i really felt would be exciting. i was hopeful again. i did what you're doing; i told H not to contact me except for business or financial reasons. i went into my fb account and defriended him and anyone who was connetected to him (his sister, his friends) so he could not see my life. i put away all pictures of him in the house (LOL) so i did not see his face daily and could get over him.
i think he finally knew i was finished being TOYED with and punished.
two days later, i received a huge bouquet of flowers for our anniversary. i did not acknowledge. however, on that same day, our anniversary, he received from me a box with all the cards and notes he and his kids had given me over the past 15 years that said what a wonderful person i was. i was going to throw them all out because i was deadly serious about purging him from my life but i figured sending them to him would accomplish two objectives: it would show him he was lying about how awful i was and it would also show him i was not holding onto anything from my life with him.
now, he wants me back. plain and simple. he saw my "back" and he decided to give us a try at R.
it was not a ploy. it was real. i'm still not totally confident that we can be married but each hurdle i put before him (the most recent is to nicely tell him i'm finished raising his adult children and being overly involved with his family), he's managing to get over. (these hurdles are really "boundaries" which i should have had from the beginning and their absence contributed greatly to the breakup of our M, IMO)
i hope you're at the point i was. i hope you're ready to move on. whatever happens, if you are, you'll get what you want in life. i hope you're ready to look forward.
((((((((((Bug))))))))))
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Hi bug, hope your feeling better today. I'm kinda in the same situation just about 15 months behind you. It hurts when someone says they no longer love you and basically your at fault. Remember those are feelings that they need to own, not you. I cannot make you happy or unhappy, that comes from within. Be strong, you will come out the other side a better YOU!!!
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
My H said all that crap to me too. You know he actually managed to make me feel guilty at one point, that he had kissed a girl! He played on it until one day while on the phone, I started crying. I told him that he had actually managed to make me feel guilty etc, he actually ended up owning his own crap,... Or so I thought. Another thing was he sleeping with me the night before BD I said something about him doing that, knowing he was going to leave, he apologized and owned his mistake,.., then a few days later I get a text saying that he was really sorry about doing that to me but it was a really good f**k though. Seriously? That's what he sent while trying to get me to keep sleeping with him.
They are all nuts! Crazy, insane, insensitive jerks.
While my H verbally owned his mistakes, I don't think he really does but i know that I don't own them.
I often wonder if most crisis WAS are the ones who had it too good.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
i hope you're at the point i was. i hope you're ready to move on. whatever happens, if you are, you'll get what you want in life. i hope you're ready to look forward.
I believe I am, close anyway and I've been looking forward for a while now. I'll be 56 in a month and I want more. As I said if I'm going to be married i want someone who can actually be in the same room with me, who I can share things with.
I'm sad, but today is a new day, the sun is up, the birds are singing, life goes on.
jks-yes similar women marry similar men. All we can do is learn from it.
What I learned last night is was he is a man filled with fear. When he told me 3 years ago (BD#1) how bad things were and that he was done, I high-tailed it into counseling and have been working hard for almost since that time. He has done nothing.
I hope he is happy with his life, I want him to be.
It's so hard to see the life that we'd planned for years just go up in smoke. We were almost to the gravy.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Maybe a little. This was hard for me and I knew I would get a variety of reactions but I posted it just for that reason. I want to hear from every corner. That's what pushes me to grow in new directions.
Quote:
You did what you had to do, and you said what you needed to say...
Right ?
Yes.
Quote:
Were you authentic to yourself ?
Good question and I'm thinking through what I said.
Yes, I was authentic and I went a bit off the DB reservation in doing that. But I needed to say some things from me, from my heart.
I spoke my truth without anger.
And if he was paying attention he saw a ME that he's never seen before.
Quote:
Did you cross any personal boundaries by saying what you did ?
There was no blaming or shaming, no name calling (we NEVER did that anyway). I found myself stopping a few times when I was thinking "Yeah, I may have done x but you did y!" I didn't say it.
I didn't bring the sons into it.
I didn't touch him.
It was a very different conversation than we've had in the past because I didn't cry.
Quote:
Did you try to change his decision in any way for selfish reasons ?
Probably.
Quote:
Where you trying to wake him up in any way ?
No, because as I said I've known since March 15th 2011 exactly where this would end up, just didn't know it would take this long. And, the fat lady hasn't sung yet.
Quote:
Or did you merely just say some things that just had to be said....
Sometimes, after having zero talks in a long time, things have to be said.
Take it easy on yourself, your emotions can run high right after these kinds of encounters.
That's what I tried to do but I know I said too much, stayed too long. He was uncomfortable.
Quote:
Apply the 48 hour rule for yourself and take the time to process your thoughts.
No wood applied here, just making sure your perspective was tuned up
Thanks, Mach I appreciate you looking over my shoulder.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
This was hard for me and I knew I would get a variety of reactions but I posted it just for that reason. I want to hear from every corner. That's what pushes me to grow in new directions.