Lost and confused

[Soul.Searching]

I have always loved roller coasters but this one is horrific. I want to get off already U Have Had had minimal contact with H these last few days. He video called the children lastnight but I gave it straight to D9 then he hung up as soon as he finished talking to S8
I'm finding my highs are high but my lows are low. Nights and weekends are the hardest.

I forgive him and I forgive me, I don't have any anger towards him. What he done hurts like hell and I know it has to have hurt him a lot to do this.
He knows what it's like and yet he done it to our children too.

I just miss him so much. I miss who he used to be, the past couple of years he has been so ago and moody. I think the increase in his anger, moodiness and irrational behaviour was so gradual, I didn't even notice. He has always had these traits but they became pretty much a everyday occurrence.

I don't like the fact that I didn't notice.


I'd really like input on something's here. This is mainly what we fought about, that has to do with me. I'd like some other people's views on how I should have handled these things. I don't know if H and I will ever reconcile. I have high doubts but maybe this could help in any other possible R down the track, be it H or someone else.

#1 money: So I would get annoyed at H for going to the pub when we had bills that needed to be paid. (H got us in to a lot of debt about 5 years ago, so we have been living week to week. He decided to up and leave now, when most of it is finally paid off. Just one bill left that is nearly done too.)
A lot of the time I would say to him that we really couldn't afford him to do that.
I just don't know what else I could have done, except ignore it?
I did try getting him to pay the bills once, so he could see for himself but he just paid huge amounts to the less important bills and left no money for the ones that HAD to be paid. He got the shits with me telling him, so he quit paying.


# 2 was his lying, mostly over tiny things but a lie is a lie and it slowly killed my trust. How do you handle that? I guess not marrying a compulsive lier?

# 3 he said he was tired of feeling like a little boy in trouble all the time. The examples I can think of are

A: him posting comments on work colleague Facebook that I found inappropriate EG on a half naked pic he wrote " Wow, that hot I need to see more pics of that night." I don't find that appropriate. Is that something that would concern you?

B: we took the kids out of school early had H filled in the early leave form, his reason was "because I can" I was horrified lol that is a legal note that needs robe filled for the protection of our children. I didn't get angry but told him he shouldn't have wrote that.

C: me not wanting him to buy new boats, motorbikes, camper trailers on credit. We got really messed up by that already. I never said he couldn't get them, only that we saved up for them and not went through high interest loans etc

D: I did get frustrated when he used to drop everything to go out with a friend if they called. I guess I could have let that slide but I feel if we have planned to spend the day together, he should not just drop me and the kids because a mate wants him to go fishing.

E: I do admit I did get frustrated about him going out drinking after he had been away for work. I thought that he should be spending time with us before going out drinking.

So what could I have done differently there ?

#4 he would get frustrated because he expected me to rub his head every night, give him back scratches and massages. He never did any of that for me except a rare occasional massage, that always quickly lead to something else. He couldn't get why it frustrated me that I never really got a proper massage.
I don't see why it should always be me doing it for him. Even when I had a very physical job, it was almost guarrenteed that if my back was killing me, so was his.
It didn't matter that u had a physical job that was mostly done by males, My hours were no where near as long as his, so I had no right to complain.

This is not about him, I want to know how I could have handled things better, I'd like total honest opinions, please.