Keep breathing...

[Wendylon]

Hi Regretful,

You express yourself and describe your sitch so clearly. It's a pleasure to read your posts because you sound so self-aware.

I know exactly what you mean about not feeling love from your H towards you. When H stayed put years ago after his A, he quite openly said it was for the kids' sake and not for mine. I remember my DB coach saying that it often happens like that and to let it ride and keep DBing. I kept wanting to take the temperature and see whether it was partly for me. She advised me not to go there.

For a while, I had no expectations of H pulling his weight around the house or being involved in the kids. He was depressed for months and slept his way through it. I just gave him a very wide berth. Things definitely improved, albeit very slowly (until I became complacent again).

I think it's great that your H says it was his best birthday yet. That's huge. It shows that you're getting good at his LL. I don't think someone who says that and if very family-oriented is on their way out.

I'm taking it you sleep on the pull-out. Could he sleep on the pull-out and you sleep in the bed and then he'd have the hassle of setting up every night? What happens if you fall asleep in your bed? Would he wake you up to send you out? Maybe you could start alternating who sleeps on the pull-out and it would become such a hassle that the default position is that you're both in bed. I wouldn't expect cuddles in bed at first though.

In terms of what you do for him, I'd just make sure that you do things in such a way that you don't build up too much resentment. Also, make sure you also look as if you have a life that will carry on happily with or without him.

Your H may never love you the way you want but if you think of it as a package deal (H + kids in one family), does it make it worth it? That's sort of how I feel in my sitch. Maybe because I've now witnessed my mother split up from my father and then from her next husband. Although she is remarried (and had 10 years of being madly in love with H3) it really doesn't appeal. She can't see any of grandchildren or her children without having to make sure that her current H isn't feeling left out. I really think she's missing out on parenting and grand-parenting with the fathers/grandfathers of her children and grandchildren. At this point, there is no way out for her because she's had children with her 2 xHs. She's completely out of love with H3 by now anyway. I reckon she should have stayed with H1 or at least with H2.

Have a good weekend, Regretful and I look forward to your next update.