There'll be no white flag above my door-not yet La

[labug]

Journaling: It happened, I had the R talk...the first in what 18mos? And it turned out much like my heart and mind had been telling me it would. It was time and I'm glad I did it. He has not moved one centimeter closer since he left. What did I have to lose?

I haven't cried yet but I will.

Just hope I can sleep tonight.

This won't be in exact order of how it happened but you'll get the gist of it.

Why did I do it? I've been really strong and good these past weeks and have felt even more sure that if I'm going to be married I would like it to be to someone who I see more than 10 times in 18 months.

Some was good DB, some not. I told him I loved him and missed him everyday and wondered if we could create a new R. He said he wished I didn't still love him and he really didn't want to try anything. He couldn't see it working, he couldn't see him wanting it to work cause he's happy with his life. I said I am also happy with my life but I couldn't see throwing away a R of 30+ years. He responded that he didn't see it as discarding it all, that a lot of it was good. (or something close to that)

A bit later he talked about not being home much and I asked what kept him busy-his answer, work, he's gone hunting a couple of times (in 18mos)and he sees his Mom on Sundays.

He also told me he never really liked being married, I said that confused me because earlier he said a lot of it was good. But I validated his feelings and agreed when he said that when he tried to express his feelings I "put him in his place." I have no idea what I said back then and I don't remember it that way, but said that I knew I didn't listen and respond as I should have. I reiterated that I knew all my faults.

I asked in light of all this, why are we still married and at first he said he didn't know. I kept silent and then he said he had figured I just wasn't ready to talk about it and he didn't want to hurt my feelings by bringing it up-or something close to that. His not wanting to hurt my feelings came up several times in the conversation.

At this point I said that he knew I had hope that he would change his mind and he agreed. But again he didn't want to hurt my feelings by talking about "it" but that he would like to get things settled and I think here he asked me what I wanted to do about "it." I said "I don't want to be divorced, that's not what I want." I asked if he had spoken to an attorney-"No, do you think we need one?" I said something like, that's for you to decide. He did say the house would be mine, which I agreed to because it's been my responsibility since he moved. He then asked about the trailer and his truck. I replied that I wasn't making any decisions as I was still trying to come to terms with all this. He brought up his tools, which I told him when he asked in Jan that he could collect. I've been free storage as he'll have to pay for a storage space for them.


At one point he told me things had been bad since S19 was born (I now know it was PPD-undiagnosed). But I was incredulous and said "You were that unhappy for 20 years" "Well, no, things got better but then it got bad again."

I also truth darted him a bit about his years of unhappiness which included some great vacations and other times with the kids, buying the trailer and taking the vacations we did without the kids and making plans for our future after the kids were grown. He was then back to "it wasn't all bad."

But in the end he doesn't miss seeing me, he doesn't miss talking to me. His words.(here come the tears)

There was more and some of it might have sounded a bit like pleading to reconsider.

So I finished up by saying "Good luck, I guess I'll hear from you. I won't contact you. I love you." It's the truth and realistically, I may never see him again, at least not for a long time. Again, what did I have to lose.

And those words aren't going to doom any chances for Reconciliation because there was never a chance.

I did call him on something tho. I used to sometimes roll my eyes when I was in disagreement. P/A, I know. But he did that several times tonight and I realized he has always done it, I was just used to it. I reminded him how much he hated it and asked him not to do it.

Somewhere in the conversation he said "I hoped we could be friends." I was feeling like everything he told me for the last 15 years had been a lie and he wants to be my friend.

I politely declined. That may change in time but not now. I have plenty of friends.

I'm not sorry I did this.