2) your desire to argue your point with her. To be "right"
I struggle greatest here. I've read so many books and forum threads and websites and everything she does is right in line with MLC. Knowing what she's doing, what she's saying, doesn't make it easier to hear or see. I feel as though if I were wrong, then hearts wouldn't come out for me, that my kids wouldn't be upset with their mom. So I believe I'm right in most of my actions and that belief is probably veiled in my speech towards my W and I know that it doesn't help anybody. I guess I feel as though it's all I have to keep me from dropping into despair.
I'm not watching my W, but I do let her dictate more of my life than I want her too. I don't talk about her much at all except for here, but my input comes from my observations based on my interactions with her. She accuses me where she once believed in me. I get that, but the accusations are not far off from my past observations of interactions with others. She knows I love my kids, but accused me of leaving S12 outside her house without a key and just driving off. She accused me of not dropping the kids off with their coats when they were going to go outside. Those are just two examples of where she's grossly wrong, but never gave me the benefit of the doubt. She chose to spit fire at me in front of the kids, only to find out the truth. I could tell by her voice she still felt justified in her frustration towards me even though she was wrong.
AJ - You ask what she has to gain at this point from being angry with me. Nothing, but the for the sake of being angry with me. My W has swallowed a "bitter" pill some time ago and I am the outlet, the reminder of what life has handed her. I seem to be the one she can unleash on for therapy sake or whatever. I'm getting tired of it. My time is coming, where I will no longer hear her wrath or care what and where she is. I know this, so I suffer quietly.
Yes - I had what I would call an MLC moment that lasted a few weeks about a year before my W went all in. I still remember the feelings I had, how easy it was to be angry or upset. The difference between my W and I is as simple as Yin and Yang. I seek internally for conflict resolution and my W seeks resolution through the acceptance of others. I've pondered those thoughts over the past few years and I don't believe I'm far off. I can see how I personally played a role in perpetuating my situation.
Now as for coincidence...... You disagree with me on my belief that my W is the end of the line for me. Call it strange or whatever you want, but I'm of the mind that I'm being watched. I don't know by whom or what, but I acknowledge it. I look through my past as well as current situations and there's too much at play for it not to be more than mere coincidence.
Within a few months of my W and I dating I knew I'd never felt about anyone the way I felt about her. I still recall the night I was driving home and I asked the Big Guy upstairs -> "Please let her be the one. I'm tired of the race and she makes me happy as no one ever has. I don't want there to ever be anyone else."
Sounds very Hollywood of me, but please do follow me. Fast forward......
I drove my old car over 600 miles over this past weekend. I spent all the money I had left between my checking account and 2 credit cards. I have bills waiting.....patiently. I'm not stressing over it, it's just my life right now. Payday comes on 10/31 and my tuition reimbursement is included. I'm able to pay some bills and have plans to pay more. On this very same day, I drop my kids off at the meeting point where the OM is waiting to take them (GRRRR!!!!) and I drive away. 5 miles up the road, the car Kraps out. It's dead. It's 5:45PM and all the local car rental places close at 6PM. I have no car and I have to get a PET Scan the next day as part of the whole cancer thing I got going. All of my friends went with my W so I'm left with little to no one.
I called a coworker to give me a lift home and made a reservation for a rental car. I walked 4 miles to the rental office to pick it up. On the way to my PET Scan appt the shop called and told me what happened to my car. The sum total to fix is $882.00. Just like that, my entire paycheck is wiped out. I will bounce some checks, but I needed a car.
That same evening I received a text from my W --> "I don't treat you like a villain. I don't say bad things about you. I do tell people that you are a good guy. The one thing I do get angry about is that everything you do is a priority. Work and school seems to be the only thing on your agenda. Sometimes the kids functions need to be a priority. They say all you do is work and study. I'm sorry you feel the way you do about me.".....
She sent me that within 10 minutes of getting this text from me---> "you want to be friends & that's great, but it's impossible right now because I feel like the villain. I spent the last few years trying to prove the bottomless depth of my L for you & my determination to prove I can grow up. I'm very mad at you - yes, but I'm so darn furious at my self for getting so lazy & boring. This is all extremly hard on me, but I choose not to bother you with my concerns & I don't bother the kids with them either."
So in comes "coincidence"......
When I read my W's text to me and saw that she was replying to a text she received minutes prior, I noted immedietly that that was a text I sent her 4 days prior on Saturday. I had not sent her any texts since. Strange indeed that she would receive all my texts on Saturday, but this one and out of nowhere it shows on my phone as being sent just recently - again. I replied to her as such ---> "I sent that text on Saturday. Not sure why it popped through a second time. Please don't lecture me about priorities."
The text I sent on Saturday among others that she replied too, got sent again 4 days later -> coincidence? No.
Back to the car.
The car broke down right on payday. It broke down right after I dropped my kids off. It broke down right as I pulled off the highway in front of a large mall parking lot after having crossed a bridge with no emergency lanes. Coincidence? No. I don't believe in coincidence anymore.
So if I feel in my heart of hearts that if I were to call out and ask that I never love my W again, I believe that I will be granted that request. In doing so, I feel as though I will have given up on my kids. Their happiness is as important to me as my own. They want us back together, they've told me so, but if I ask for my heart back, I will have failed them.
I'm not angry about it. I'm just very afraid of it and it's beyond my comprehension.
