First Post #2

[sandi2]

I didn't send the original post I had written the other night. I decided it might sound as if I was putting some of the LBH's down....and that is never my intention. But it does concern me what I read from time to time. A lot of catch phrases get passed down through the years here, and that's usually okay. But sometimes a newcomer may use it, or receive it, and it's not really beneficial in the way it was originally meant way back when. (I don't know exactly how to word it.) For example, I've seen hundreds of LBH's tell others to be the best friend to the WAW. If that WAW is involved with anyone else...I don't agree that you should try to be her best friend.

The WAW, especially one in an A, does not like you and she sure as heck don't respect you. She has demonstrated that pretty clearly. So why on earth would you try to be her best friend? Maybe MWD even said that in one of her book, I don't remember, but as a former WAW....I just can't agree with that part. The WAW is going to feel disgusted toward a man who is trying to be her best friend when she doesn't even like him. Maybe sometime down the road when feelings aren't as raw as they are now, you might learn to be "friends" of some sort, but best friends? Really? I do agree with trying to be friend--ly. There is a big difference in acting friendly and being best friends.

When I was growing up, you didn't hear people referring to their S as their best friend, like you hear these days. Then one day I get a wedding invitation that said, "Today I Marry My Best Friend". I thought I would throw up. (Just kidding.)

You see, I think married love is in a different category than any other loves (family, friends, etc.), so I don't think of my H as my "friend".....he's my husband! He fills a category that no other person shares. My parents shared my love between them, my kids share my love between them, and my relatives & friends share....but nobody on earth gets my romantic love except for one person...my H. That's why it is such a betrayal when there is an A. Think about it. That type of love is not to be shared and I don't believe you can classify it as friends. That's what most of the WAW's today are telling their LBH whenever he discovers communication with OM. She says, "Oh, we're just friends". Well, that's where so many mess up. It's not appropriate for a woman to have intimate conversations with another man. And, I realize that the workforce places a lot of men & women together, but if you don't have your moral compass working....then it can easily get you into trouble. Am I making sense?

When I was about ready to walk out, I made the statement to my H that if I left I hoped we could be friends. He told me we would never be friends. You see, I reduced him......or was trying to reduce him to the category of friends. He didn't want to be my friend, he wanted to be my husband. And let me tell you, his words got my attention! But this is my thinking about it and I'm sure others have their own opinions.

I also believe that you cannot be "soft" with a WAW. And be careful about how or what you validate, b/c it will quickly cause her to see you as nothing more than kissing up to get her back. You listen with both ears while you look into her eyes, but you don't have to agree or say something somebody on the board said....that totally doesn't sound like something you'd say (and she knows it).

Listen, if you feel wimpy then you can rest assured that's how she thinks of you! If you feel like she treating you like a doormat, it's b/c she is. If she's calling all the shots and you feel like she's your boss, that's b/c you've let her have her way so long that she thinks she is! Letting her have her way is not the way to have peace. Being a man who makes decisions and the leader of the home and having the respect of your W and kids is what gets you peace. Sometimes, it really concerns me how the younger men on here talk about their place in the M and the home. I guess my father's generation really was the greatest generation to live. I don't mean that to be insulting, but it worries me how things have changed in society, marriage, and home. Nobody knows who's suppose to be in charge anymore. I wonder sometimes if after the women's lib movement if everything swung too far the other direction and now men are scared to be men. I hope not b/c that would be disastrous! Maybe that's what has happen in some cases. But here I go venting.

A woman has to respect a man before she can love him romantically. Now, I just given you young men a lost secret, apparently, that should be top of the list on how to get your W's loving feelings back. If you have a WAW, and you do....then it goes double. If she's in an A......more than double. That's why she's where she is today is b/c she doesn't respect you. That's how she's wired. It's different with men. But I believe God made woman the way He did for a reason. It's her nature to be the responder and the man's nature to pursue. That's why you have the natural instincts to pursue your WAW and when we tell you not to chase her......you cry that it's too hard. Why do we tell you not to pursue? Because everything is out of order now. You can't do what was originally designed b/c she no longer respects you and she will reject you for another man. There is no way she'll go back to desiring a man she doesn't respect.

So, instead of trying to be her best friend, I'd suggest you work on being a man she can respect. I dare say that all of you let down on the job somewhere along the way and when she could no longer deal with not feeling anything in her soul....she started looking for something to fill that void.
That is when a monster is created.

She's not the girl you married.