Piecing - Round 1

[Denver_2010]

It takes two to tango

the OM was not the only one in the situation

I feel as though he is receiving the blunt of the blame here

I think your wife may have led him to believe that there were things happening in your relationship with her (like that your relationship with her was over) that led him to believe that he had a relationship with her

now his livlihood is affected

if I were him

I have to say

I would be beyond a little pissed too

I understand what you are saying in that your wife needed to not be on any gigs with him
but
to be on the receiving end of having my significant other leave and then losing my livlihood would pretty much suck too

to revel in that is poor form

(it's too bad they both couldn't have been adults and managed to work it out in an adult way without either one having to lose a job over it)

Fig!? Fig?! Seriously??? LOL! I'm teasing... but I don't agree with you here.

First, I realize that it takes two to tango. I've dealt with, and resolved for myself, my W's own actions and decisions.

Many call this justification, but my W was in a very different position than OM when all of this began. She was leaving her H because he had treated her like sh!t for years. She had just gathered all of the strength and courage that she had to make that decision. We can debate whether there were other options, obviously we here on this board know that there are. But she didn't. She only saw one way left to survive. And that was to leave me. Regardless, that was not easy for her. And she was scared.

OM, on the other hand, was a single guy who she worked with. He saw an opportunity and he took it. I have no doubt that W told him that it was over between she and I. In her mind, it was. But he was in a position to be clear headed. He didn't need my W to survive emotionally. My W needed him for that. In my view, he took advantage of that.

I think that this is true with many, if not most, WAW's.

Don't get me wrong. There is anger and hurt about my W's choices. I have always been clear that I did not, and do not, condone her choice to bring OM into her life. I will NEVER be okay with that, nor will I ever tell her that I was/am okay with it.

I've always felt like in these situations you have two positions (unless both parties are married). One is a predator and the other is susceptible. Susceptible to being drawn in to being wooed. Susceptible to crossing moral boundaries. Susceptible to breaking vows.

Both parties are wrong. But for different reasons. IMO.

I believe that one can be explained by emotional weakness/depression/MLC/sadness/unhappiness... while the other demonstrates no moral compass whatsoever.

OM was not in my W's life for our entire S. In fact, she was trying to distance herself from him for more time than she was actually seeing him. He knew that she was confused. He knew that she was not DONE with her M. He knew that she was trying to work on things with me. Hell! I told him when I found the f'er hiding on the toilet over a year before W and I finally did R.

He knew the situation Fig.

I will NEVER let him off of the hook for that. And if losing his job over it is his consequence, then too bad. If he is ever homeless on the side of the road begging me for a dollar, I would probably be more likely to run him over.

Am I focusing on it as Harrier suggests? No. But I am still in the aftermath period. And stuff IS still happening that I have to hear about and talk to my W about. Someday soon, it will all be behind me/us and I will hope to never hear his name again.

My focus is on my W and my M.

And BTW, I do not say these things to my W. She knows how I feel. I listen to her and validate her decisions on how she is dealing with it because she is doing a nice job.

Not mad Fig. You have always been a great support to me. But I think that it would be disingenuous for me to not be honest about my feelings on this subject. Hell, I've been honest about much worse here on these boards! LOL

Lastly, I think that if most people, at least men, were honest, they'd agree with me.