ANGER THREAD - How do YOU deal with it???

[bustingout]

KG thank you for starting this thread. I have been reading and thinking.

I think I have started, since i began DB, to recognize what makes me angry and i am starting to understand what emotion is behind the anger.

I carried a lot of anger with me in my teens and into my adult/M life. And that stemmed from (previously documented) my dad leaving us, my R with my dad and my own parents M and D.

That anger was masking up hurt, feelings of abandonment and injustice. That it wasn't fair that i didn't have a 'normal' family growing up. I felt different from other children and I had a deep longing to feel complete. So i covered it up in anger and defiance. I HAD to be right in my Rs because I had to feel CONTROL so that I wouldn't be left again.

I had to have the last word and I had to convince people why I was right. I guess I needed to feel validation for my feelings but because I masked it in anger and self righteousness, i got very little validation for those deep seated feelings.

So of course when I entered my M I had visions of what was SUPPOSED to be. I knew my H had emotional trauma (his mum passed away with aggressive cancer when he was 14- and his life changed dramatically afterwards). He was emotionally distant, and while there were times when he expressed his emotions to me, I knew there was a lot more underneath. I, of course, thought I would be able to fix him and make him feel better. I expected that with time, he would be able to open up with me.

I thought that was SUPPOSED to happen.

Yet, I was still carrying on with my anger. I responded in angry, i acted in anger, i thought in anger. All stemming from fear that I was not good enough,, that I will be abandoned again, that I was not creating the perfect M. And I also expected my H to take care of me and treasure me. And do ANYTHING to make me feel better.

ugh...so much anger. So many expectations on both sides. So much emotional distance under the illusion that we were both emotionally healthy and of course, RIGHT.


Fast forward to today. Now that I have begun to understand more, I recognize that when I start to feel anger by stomach actually turns. My breath goes short and i begin to 'freeze' mentally and emotionally. I cannot see past my nose.

So when i recognize that i can pull myself back and widen my vision and begin to see more of what things are really about. e.g. the anger is because i have visions of H and OW. but really that makes me feel hurt and sad and betrayed. and i feel injustice. But its not in my hands to CONTROL. So i can let it go.

I now recognize that and I try to apply it to all aspects of my current sitch in addition to my work Rs and my children and even my friendships.

I have less need to rant and rave, and more desire to find my inner calm. I have more desire to be happy (thanks 25). I have much more desire to be positive. I realized that even in the past when i thought i was being 'mature' emotionally i was really just being passive aggressive. snide comments. Always trying to trump my opponent.

My anger led me to nag and complain a lot in my M. I blamed anyone else but me. And even when i would apologize, it wasn't a learning experience that I moved forward from, i repeated the same patterns because I had to be right. Still needed some sort of validation for all of the feelings underlying the anger.

I really just wanted to know that I could be loved and that it was going to be ok.

And that meant i was not being the partner my H needed as well.

I focus now on what really matters to me. And that is my family and me being a better person. When i can accept the emotions i feel at the time i can process them, instead of deny them while masking them in a self righteous anger.

So much to think about KG. Thank you ((((( )))))