W was never into the "standard" signs or gifts of romanticism... it's one of the things she always told me she loved about me... how I put a ton of thought into my gifts or romantic overtures rather than just the "cut and paste" roses, chocolates and stuffed animals...
Also for the tweet, if it's cryptic and meant for her to see, don't do it. If you're doing something for yourself, to make you feel better, then it's fine.
Skip the birthday wishes as well. You know my thoughts on it.
And look at the energy your spending on it already. Where as if you say. Nope. Thats the end of it. This is not the arrow to the heart your looking for. Move along.
If you need to weight the thoughts.
Birthday wishes versus the weight of active affair....
That is the perception you should have.
Reality.
If your thoughts mattered she would not be doing this to you.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Thanks Chatter... In all honesty, I can't simply say "Nope" and magically turn off thinking about it... I only wish it was that easy... And even if I'm putting some thought into it (it's honestly not that much, despite the posts) it's not really affecting my mood, and I'm not letting it dominate my mind in any way.
BUT, that being said, your post rings very true, and I always appreciate having your voice on this board!
AT you never will turn off those thoughts. You loved your wife. There is no shame in that. But you still cannot control those thoughts. When someone is treating your poorly. Doing actions that they know hurts you.
Well....
You do not reward those actions.
What ends up happening is that.
1. You go on with your life. Knowing you made a few mistakes in a partner. So you make sure you do not repeat those mistakes. 2. You have a wife that comes back and works on her issues and you work on your issues. And together you work hard and make your marriage work. 3. You have a wife that comes back and you work on your issues and in a few years. Your in the same place.
Options 1 and 2
Plan for option 1
For they come into play for option 2
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Had a really rough pitch-meeting this morning that didn't go ANYTHING like I'd expected it to... but I think I pulled it around at the last moment and may have saved a very lucrative opportunity in the future.
But before that happened, I found myself awake in a cold sweat once again about an hour before my alarm was set to go off. A quick examination revealed that I'd, once again, had one of those "too close to reality" dreams where I'd awoke to an email from W, telling me she'd had an epiphany at the concert she was at and wanted to let me know that she was ready to start working on herself and see what might come of us...
I miss dreaming about dragons.
Anyway, I woke up and went about my morning routine, purposely avoiding the computer for as long as I could... But eventually I had to check a few things online before work... and I found my heart skipping beats as I opened my email...
Of course nothing from W was there... and it was weird to feel disappointed by that... as if I somehow believed that my dream was a premonition rather than a random firing of synapses while I slept.
I was able to shake that feeling pretty quickly as I prepared for the above-mentioned meeting. And now that the hustle of the morning is done and the slow drive to the end of the week is almost complete, I can reflect a little bit on it... not the dream itself, but the emotions that came in the morning.
It's helpful to remind myself that although my love for W is not waning in any way, my hopes for the future have taken on a much different light.
No longer am I dreaming or thinking about W coming back by any means necessary... Now there are important caveats to that imagined reconciliation... ones that I'm proud are there now... I know that no matter how lonely I feel some days or how much an unrealized future stings, I can't and I won't compromise myself and my happiness for a dream...
I KNOW how much effort I've put into myself over these last few months, and I KNOW I have a HUGE amount more work to do before I'm ready for ANY relationship... but if that relationship is with W, I need to know that she's also putting in the work to fix the things she can about herself and our R...
My greatest fear now is no longer one of loneliness or never finding someone like W... now it's a fear that W will want to come back at some point in the future simply because she misses me... but she hasn't put the work in...
I call it a "Fear" but it takes up little residence in my mind... I don't have time to think about a million options of what might happen tomorrow or a week from now or a month from now... There's too much work to be done in this head-space today!
And I REALLY need to figure out something to do this weekend, as I'm balancing on an edge of GALing and hellish introspective nightmares! Too bad most of my friends took off for the weekend!
Concentrate on today and for the short term plans for this upcoming weekend.
I read all 30 pages of this thread and i empathize with you and your thoughts and feelings, but i see much growth and less turmoil from the beginning to the current status of your well being.
I appreciate very much that you dropped in on my thread and felt it was time to attempt to give back to you.
Ed
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
