Thanks, A. I think you're absolutely right. That's exactly how it's supposed to work. Thing is, that's where I started our M. I used to use phrases like "I would like..." or "I love.." or "I don't want..." whenever I spoke with him, because I trusted him to value me. The exchanges that I posted (which are equally frustrating for me) is what our communications have developed into because what I "want" or "feel" doesn't carry any weight. I have to have 57 reasons for thinking/feeling what I do. I also have to have outside sources to back me up in order to warrant any credibility with H.
It's exhausting. And I'm just tired of it.
Like the car. I told him I didn't think he should sell it. He kept drilling me for my "reasons." I simply wouldn't engage. He sold it anyway. He tried to engage me in a discussion about a new car he found. I wouldn't even offer my opinion. I found out last night that he bought it. I'm glad I saved myself the effort. And honestly, with the state of things, it was actually pretty easy. It seemed almost like if the neighbor bought a car, which wouldn't have involved me anyway.
I'm still wanting to stick it out for S12, but the relationship is causing me some real social anxiety. I used to be pretty confident. I'm actually quite capable, but I've started to question everything I do and think. I've become almost paralyzed. It's like I'm playing a game of chess but every move I consider puts me in check. Technically, it's checkmate but I don't want to admit it because of the cost of the consequences. And I can't focus on anything else. I have an IC session scheduled for Monday to address this because it's gotten bad enough I feel I need help. Here's hoping...
Just curious, to both of your suggestions of what I should say to H, what sort of response should that elicit him? Assuming he was healthy/invested/etc.
