The crack in my perfect life...

[Sweetbriar]

Woke up this morning in deep despair. Im feeling really sad today...We are supposed to get sep docs finalized today also.

Tomorrow is H's birthday and I assume correct way to go about it is to NOT wish him happy birthday, correct? He has always been sensitive to his birthday because of his lack of friends. I know that not acknowledging it will give the OW great kudos for doing something for him and I can hear in my future that I didnt even recognize his day. What should I do?

There may even be a chance he sees the kids tomorrow, so he would have to come here to get them...

Somtimes I just dont see how I will endure this road...it just seems so long ahead of me:( Where is that magic crystal ball when you need it?

[Grateful]

I have a piggybank question to this as well. Next week is our wedding anniversary. Do I send a card, call, etc?

[job]

Sweetbriar,
I'm sorry you are feelilng sad today, but it's understandable. You are getting ready to finalize the separation documents today. Your emotions will be all over the place, but the bottom line is that once they are done, you may be able to rest a little better knowing that you have everything in black and white. The only problem is that in some cases, even though you have it in black and white, the mlcer tends to play games w/the funds, etc. I hope your h doesn't do that.

I would get a nonpersonal card and a small gift and give it to him, but make sure he understands that they are from the children. If you want to give him a card, you can do so, but make sure it's not "mushy", i.e., a card like you would send a friend from the library.

Take each minute, hour and day as it comes. Do not try to look too far into the future.

Good luck today!

[labug]

Sweetbriar, you'll get through this, it just feels horrible a lot of the time. We've all felt it.

Try not to worry so much about what OW may or may not do in relation to your H. This is not a competition, don't feel that you have to "beat" her at being H's partner.

Stand strong.

[Sweetbriar]

Thanks for the encouragement! I know that I might feel better afer paperwork is done, but it also feels more final than ever:( He also feels like once paperwork is done that its okay to have this relationship with OW...so his guilt may cease a bit.

I know that its going to get better but I just cannot see any light right now. I do feel like Im competing because but he chose her and that has broken me. The betrayal and rejection is unreal. Then on top of the awful things he has said to me, it hurts even worse. I think that is why Im constantly comparing me to her. I just keep thinking that he is thinking how great she is compared to how I was. I just keep thinking of all the things she is doing to make him happy and I dont have the chance anymore. I always made his bday special with the kids and I.

I cannot help but feel like she IS beating me with H. She has him, his love, and his time. She claims to love him unselfishly and unconditionally. Her exact words.

H did ask kids to come to dinner with him and his family tomorrow and they declined. I had NOTHING to do with this decline,but Im sure that it will come back to haunt me that they said no. I wish he would just realize that the kids are so hurt too and they really dont approve of anything he is doing and they dont have a huge desire to see him. I guess I will continue to be the "monster" as he called me in front of my kids on Tuesday.

[labug]

I wish he would just realize that the kids are so hurt too and they really dont approve of anything he is doing and they dont have a huge desire to see him.

Let go of that. He won't, at least not anytime soon because that would mean he's wrong and his brain won't let him go there right now. Be there for your kids; love them and support them. They need lots of that right now.

I guess I will continue to be the "monster" as he called me in front of my kids on Tuesday.

You may not be able to control your H's mind but you can control yours. This is victim thinking and it will keep you stuck.

You can choose to allow others to define you or you can choose to define yourself.

[AnotherStander]

Tomorrow is H's birthday and I assume correct way to go about it is to NOT wish him happy birthday, correct?

The general consensus is not to make a big deal out of it, but it's OK to call or text to tell him HBD. No cards or gifts though.

I have a piggybank question to this as well. Next week is our wedding anniversary. Do I send a card, call, etc?

This is different than bdays, because what do you do about an anniversary for a dead marriage? A lot of people say to do nothing. Don't call, text, give a card or give a gift. That was what I planned on doing, but I wasn't so sure it was the right thing to do, so the day before the anniversary (our 20th) I saw W when she was picking up the kids and asked her what she thought. She said "I don't know, it's all so weird right now." So I suggested we go to dinner, not as a celebration, but more of just an acknowledgement of the date. So that's what we did. I did end up giving her a flower arrangement in a pumpkin, very cute and I told her just to consider it a house gift rather than for the anniversary. Personally this all worked for me, it was done in a way that didn't apply any pressure, and we both enjoyed it.

[Sweetbriar]

Thanks for the answer about Birthday. Our 15 year anniversary is on the 21st of this month too...but I have no intention of getting any gift, card or asking for dinner. He is actively with OW, and to my, that means I need to stay far away.

Received random text today that said "just checking in to see if you're feeling ok?"

I didnt respond...maybe I should have...but I just dont understand why he even cares how Im feeling. Honestly, I feel like crap, but Im not saying that and I dont want to say how great I am feeling so I just chose to say nothing. Was this right? I think "lovingly detaching" would have been to answer, right? Is not answering being cold? Since when did a simple question from my H bring so many questions?

If you yell and scream at someone one day, and tell them how awful they are...why do you care if they are feeling ok? I guess maybe because of the baby???

[job]

Sweetbriar,
There is no ryme or reason to his madness right now...try not to over analyze his every move or comment.

If you don't feel like responding back today, maybe sometime over the week you could respond and just say "I'm okay" and leave it at that. Nothing says you are ready your text messages at this time.

I certainly wouldn't acknowledge the anniversary. I would do something nice for myself that day.

For now, just let all of your messages go to voice mail or leave them in the inbox. Tomorrow is another day and who knows what it will bring. I do hope you will feel better soon.

[2chiquitos]

Woke up this morning in deep despair. Im feeling really sad today...We are supposed to get sep docs finalized today also.

Tomorrow is H's birthday and I assume correct way to go about it is to NOT wish him happy birthday, correct? He has always been sensitive to his birthday because of his lack of friends. I know that not acknowledging it will give the OW great kudos for doing something for him and I can hear in my future that I didnt even recognize his day. What should I do?

There may even be a chance he sees the kids tomorrow, so he would have to come here to get them...

Somtimes I just dont see how I will endure this road...it just seems so long ahead of me:( Where is that magic crystal ball when you need it?

Last year for Hs Bday (Aug '11-1mos after BD) he came over unexpectedly and I asked him if he wanted to go to lunch. He was really down. I later found out that OW had gone over his place later that night and they made dinner together. I found a letter to OW saying, "it was his best bday ever." I recently asked him about it and he said it wasn't true. H: "Instead, you should be asking me why I never sent her the letter."

Right now he is LOST. Imagine he's on that island in the show LOST. Don't bother trying to save him. (giving him another special bday) just let him be.