Riding the Bull

[Arsene]

Yes Denver. I agree. I guess I got carried away with what I saw as progress and reading (or misreading) the "signs". I tried to rush things and now I'm feeling it. In the end, W still isn't here, she is still with OM and she still won't reconsider so I guess in a sense I'm no worse than yesterday but I felt horrible and extremely anxious all day.

On the up side, I've got a bit of new intel re: why she fell in love with me and based on what she told me, it might be something that would still work in my favor.

Other intel also about the fact that she sees my standing as an act of control. Like I'm trying to manipulate her in doing what I want her to do.

She also said that she was tired of trying to please everyone, that she felt that even now she was still trying to please me. I asked her if she was trying to please OM. She said she didn't.

I know I'm probably torturing myself for nothing but I keep rehashing the convo in my head and there are still so many things that she says that don't make sense and don't fit with her statement that she's happy and that she is doing what she wants. Besides, if someone repeats they are happy every other sentence, you feel like they are trying to convince themselves.

It looks like her entire band (including OM) abandoned her with her Saturday gig where the owners left the country for a month. That's why she had to rehearse with another guitarist. She's going to do it as a duet. That's always been a problem around here. Musicians are mercenary. They are only loyal to the pay check. She's also been told that if she wanted a certain gig, she had to get a second singer and that they might have to change the style of music they do. Another sign that there is no such thing as total freedom.

On top of that, another bar where she used to play won't give her work with her present band. They want her to sing with their own musicians. This might have to do with OM as that's where she was playing when she started her EA 2 years ago. That type of stuff is frowned upon in these parts.

She's having to take on more and more teaching hours (which pays very little) and she has less and less time to work on her music. She wanted to work on her own songs but now all of that is on hold because of time and money.

She also said a lot of conflicting stuff about "us". For example, I had mentioned possibly taking D8 to Vietnam for the Christmas holiday. We can get cheap flights from here and we have a few friends living there. D8 was excited and told W about it. W then suggested we could also go to another neighbouring country where her sister lives in a very touristic area so D8 could spend time with her cousin. D8 really liked that idea. So last night, I just mentioned in passing if it really would be ok for me and D8 to go there. W replied that she might be working and might not be able to come with us but that if she does we could still go on our own. She spoke as if we were planning a family holiday. I didn't ask what she meant.

She seems to want to push me to see other women. No matter what I say to her, she keeps telling me to do so. I'm sure part of it is to alleviate the guilt she feels and to perhaps lessen my pain but I was wondering today if it wasn't a ploy to see how she feels about it.

I don't know, a lot about the convo tells me she's done, but I feel that there is still some love in her. Afterall, we managed to have a bit of a laugh throughout this otherwise serious convo and she often smiled while looking in my eyes.

Also, the way she seems to evade questions which would reveal too much about how unsure she is about things and the way she goes back to her Buddhist mantra that none of it matters and that we are all one, when ever a tough question was asked tells me that there is also lots of confusion and uncertainty.

I know exactly what I need to do but I'm not sure if I can. As many of you have mentioned I need to switch my focus on myself and D8 and put some distance between W and I. I need to detach and step up on GAL. It's too bad because since I had to cancel my gig last week because of the accident, it looks like I might now have lost it all together. That was one thing that helped me GAL. I'll see if I can get something elsewhere. It feels like so many of the projects I had on the go just stopped moving for some reasons. I'll look at my options and see if I can find ways to get them to pick up again. I really need to find something positive to focus on.

Beardown, thanks for dropping by. I agree with you that our sitches kind of follow one another although I had a first bout in 2010 when W met her OM and had an EA. Your W also seems to be showing interest in you while still seeing OM. Like Denver says, it all depends on your pain threshold. I though I could do this for a long time but I think I'm reaching mine now. I have to be careful though, because W is also the sponsor for the Visa I need to be here and we have many "immigration dates" together. I don't think she would do it but she could still tell me that I'm on my own and then I'd need to find another way to stay here or I'd have to leave.

I'll keep an eye on you mate.

Cheers