Thanks all for keeping an eye on me! But when you weren't looking i talked to him last night and he got dropped here at 0830hrs while car was being fxd.
We had a bit of a chat over coffee and toast Then he said - just pretend i'm not here - because i was supposed to be working. So i sat on my laptop in the LR whilst he fiddled with the music system - it was like old times cept i couldnt really get into my work as i knew he would be going at some point. The car should have been finished by 1100hrs so he called at 1130 and they said they hadn't started it blah blah and H got cross w them because he had a meeting to be at 1300hrs. I said - why don't you go to work in my car? i dont need it today and we can go get your car later. He hesitated so i said - really it's ok. you can't stay here all day and i don't need it. He said - thanks and i said - i'm glad to be of help.
I got up to give him the key and see him out and he said "see you later about 1800hrs" and then kissed me on the lips. I gave him a quizzical look and he just carried on out the door.
Now what? See, i think he thinks we are "on" and i don't think we are "on" unless i have said the following and we have talked about what we want:
"I'm not sure how I feel about reconciling anymore. We would both have to agree what a new relationship wld look like, commit to prioritising it and talk about what triggers us for me to consider starting over with you. I'm in a really good place right now and as much as I dont want to divorce, i dont want to return to what we had nor the emotional rollercoaster we've been on over the past 2 yrs"
Views?
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Hey Labug thanks for the questions well, i have 180'd the things I wrote above that I was sorry for; i understand that he is NOT me and I accept the differences i still have my abandonment button to deal w but it is alot quieter when i have words with my idq (inner drama queen) - i think i will always have that due to my early days but i understand it more.
him? well the MLCtype-WAS doesn't naturally realise that wherever they go, there they are nor go through the growth we go through when we are left behind.
unless we get to talk about our LLs then i guess he won't change
i remember when we were piecing in 2011 he said people can't change and altho i agree fundamentally we might have auto thoughts, we can change our response to them.
maybe when the time is right and he does this kiss thing (on arrival rather than leaving - and NOT today as he is only coming to get his car) i can ask "H, do you want to be in an exclusive relationship w me cos kissing like this suggests you want to be more than friends"...then maybe we can have a talk about that...
what do you think?
on another note - i read this last night on "have the relationship you want":
Many women who are financially successful (or at least stable and can take care of themselves for the rest of their lives), have a great social life, great personal interests, friends, and enjoy their lives on a spiritual and fun level have simply chosen NOT to marry.
They actually prefer the idea of having “lovers” – live-in and not, male travelling companions, a man who shares a house and travel – all kinds of other circumstances that don’t include marriage. The reason being – they don’t want the RESPONSIBILITY of “taking care” of a man late in life.
And they’re not worried about being “taken care of” – and so the trade off seems like a bad deal.
What about you? Does it matter what “age” you’re “over”? Is marriage really the be-all-and-end-all of relationship and love?
What exactly do you expect it to do for you, in particular?
Are you really, internally, in your heart and mind, fighting relationship because you really, deep inside, don’t want the “responsibility”?
And it got me thinking. I never saw my Self married when I was younger. I was happy being free and hanging with a particular guy but I didn't want the settled element. I've talked about this previously how it damages CanadaGirl - all those "wifely" expectations I put on my Self.
And I thought maybe that's why it worked well living separately in our early days and now (when we get on), seeing each other when we can but knowing we are there for each other.
I'm fiercely independent and don't want to be caged. I know the right relationship doesn't do that and I thought H and I had that but then we got into a horrible mess w me making emotional demands when he was in my space but just wanted to chill. I accept him far more for who he is when I don't live w him. But I want him to be mine, I won't share him w another so he has to be my partner/boyfriend however, he does have to respect the relationship and can't just book 3wks holiday w mates without considering me.
In May, I was just hanging out w him w no q about him moving home and it was only when friends questioned the "norm" of living together that I started questioning the sitch myself
Maybe boyfriend/girlfriend is better for me or do I sound like someone who wants her cake and eat it too?
I don't know - am I making any sense?
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Boy that was close. I had this site open on my laptop in the conservatory and was talking to the gardener and when I turned round H was in the living room!
So we had a chat about me having a gardener. He didn't remember I'd started that and I said - We should have done it ages ago. We were both struggling with maintaining the house - me w the housework and you w the garden - when we were so busy. And I kept vetoing your suggestions because i had all these expectations of what we should do as husband and wife when we really can afford it... He looked at me in amazement at my self recognition
Then we were off to get his car and he said - your car is becoming a heap, it's getting like your old one w hubcaps missing... I said - i guess i need a man to look after me. I couldn't even do the music system. i really didn't appreciate what you did around the house. i'm sorry. maybe we can sort my car sometime... he said - one day
so i dropped him off and he said - thanks again, i'll call you tonight - and kissed my cheek.
Labug - I AM confused by what's society wants and what I want - doing the norm versus being me
Thanks for giving me permission to have cake and eat it if the other person wants the same thing - never thought of it that way
I will try and make time to figure out what a Tumbling relationship would look like on the w/e What i do know is 1) being an only child means I need a lot of space 2) being an extrovert means I need to recharge around other folk and not always w a partner 3) being a planner means I like things organised 4) being self-orientated does not equate happiness when other people are involved 5) having unspoken expectations is damaging 6) compromise and communication is key to any relationship
I also know my main LLs are quality time, possibly acts of service - as i got cross when H didnt lift a finger and gifts (which reminds me last w/e H said he had some presents for me from his sailing trip (aug) and his washington business trip (sep - we werent even talking then?!)
I have no idea what h's are...i can't figure him out
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Tumbling - regardless what society wants you need to do what is best for YOU! Now I know you know this! The whole point of DB is finding what you want, how you react, and what makes you be your best you!! Why would you even consider starting a new R with anyone and not be true to you?
I'm just coming to realise that MKB. There's something about living w s.one that really mixed me up We discussed this in an earlier thread of mine - how "wifey" expectations that i didn't even realise i had until i lived with H - screwed me up.
I so don't want to lose CG ever again that I need to really sort out what I want and not feel i have to fit w others' expectations.
And that as long as I am happy then that's all that matters Thanks for popping in.
Tumbling, how many things have happened! I'd been so busy with the whole missing passport/SS card thing.
Anyway, what I have to say is that you should not press for any commitment until you are both ready. He isn't. If you put pressure on him, all this progress (I know, it's small, but it's still progress) will be wasted.
I'm also an only child, and my dad passed away when I was only 8. I spent all my time after school alone. So, I have a hard time living with anyone. I like to have my "me" time and to keep my stuff organized the way I like it, etc. But I realized that all that stuff doesn't really matter as much as having real love in my life. It took me a while to realize this, and I admit I did take my H for granted in the past. I thought he'd be there forever, for better or for worse.
Think about what you want and all, but remember that your emotions will change often, and sometimes your emotions will guide what you think you want. I get a sense you are in love with your H, you miss him, but you're afraid that if he comes back to the M, you'll be unhappy. Ask yourself why. Ask yourself what would need to happen for you to be happy, and keep this info in a safe place for when it's time for you and your H to have that talk.
I don't think you should be texting him or asking him why he didn't reply. But it's your call. I'm sure that if you pull away a little, he'll start initiating contact. You'll see.
