I Cheated. She's Pissed!

[too trusting]

How can I guarantee to her that I will never do it again? I know in my heart that I won't. I know exactly why I did it, and the conditions that set the whole dynamics up will NEVER happen again, yet how do I convince her that I will NEVER do it again? My words are crap to her. The only thing I have left are my actions. I am not out bar-hopping, looking to date, or trying to pick anyone up. I'm absolutely not interested in anyone but her.

how to guarantee it?
1) by eliminating the conditions that led to the incident - and you say you are doing this. that is important.
2) transparency
3) showing her that you care enough about her to not do it again
4) also, see "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass, regarding "walls and windows".

Now, about the second child. There are two schools of thought of being selfish. She was very adamant to me from the very beginning that all she wanted was just one child, that's it. All she asked is that I love and support it when he/she comes along. I have done that much much more. I spend every waking moment that I can with my son. He is an absolute JOY and I cherish my time with him (feeding, bath time, play time, lunch / dinner etc).

so before your son was born, when he was just an abstract theory, you weren't really in favor of having a child. but now that you have your wonderful son, can you imagine life without him? for your wife also, before your son was born, "having a child" was just a theoretical possibility, but now that she sees how wonderful your son is - this special human being that was created by combination of YOUR and her genes - she wants another one. I don't see where the problem is.

our maid that does ALL cleaning and ALL laundry. W does not need to work for $, but she does work when she's w/ our little boy. She only cooked dinner for me/us an average of twice a per week (sometimes more sometimes less as I travel) grocery shops when she wants.

taking care of a toddler is a lot of work and you shouldn't look down on it. especially when the husband/father is away a lot. cleaning and laundry is only a small part of running a home. so it is good that you provide paid help in doing this, but don't think that your wife is "not working" as a result. being a full time mom is a full time job, even if someone else sweeps the floor!

Because life is good, she started weighing in on me for a second child. I asked if it might affect our relationship if we only had one, she looked me square in the face and said, "I don't know." She has emotionally pulled away from me ever since, and really even before.

just "because life is good"? how about because she saw how wonderful your son is? and when she gave you this compliment that she wants another child with your genes, you rejected her. and you even *ask* if this rejection of her and her natural desire would affect your relationship? you wonder why she has "emotionally pulled away" from you after you rejected her and her natural desire like this?

Somebody who knows my sitch put it to me this way, He said that I married "a trophy wife" and she married "a trophy wallet."

what a mean thing to say!!!! I don't believe it at all. the problem is that *you* believe it. *that* is what is coming between you and your wife.

Sadly I really love her, but looking back I see how emotionally distant she's been from me. There' was nothing I could do or can do to change that, and having a second child would only put me further down the rabbit hole to a wife who loves me as a provider and father, but who "likes" me as a husband.

what about the emotional distance that *you* have created by rejecting her and her natural desire for another wonderful child with your genes?

I guess I'm clinging on the hope that she might love me for who I am, and not for what I provide.

she wants another child with your genes and you ask if she "might" love you for who you are???

Now that I strayed, what love she had for me is gone. She gave me the ILYBNILWY speech shortly after I cheated. Heck, she didn't have to tell me, I knew that during our marriage.

so you need to work on *you* and show her that the cheating was a one-time incident that will never happen again.

My problem is, I'm still IN love with her. I shake my head ruefully.

you're say you're "in love" with her but refuse to give her the one thing that she wants more than anything in the world - another wonderful child with your genes.

still, I agree that first you have to win her back before conceiving another child, so that child will have two loving parents who are married to each other. what 180's can you do to show her that you care about her and what she wants, that you don't just consider her a "trophy wife", and don't think that she considers you a "trophy wallet"?