ANGER THREAD - How do YOU deal with it???

[keep_going]

MK - Thanks for being so open and sharing such personal things. Your posts resonate so much with me...

For me, identifying my physical response has been helpful. I clench my hands, my breathing increases, I clench my jaw.
I also have identified things in my environment that bother me. Noise is the biggest one. Also, just clutter and disorganization bothers me.

I have had a hard time identifying my immediate physical response. I have read a ton about it and know it happens, but I usually realize it after the fact. For instance - I know my heart rate goes up, but realize it after I am already mad. Obviously it started before, I just need to find that precise moment. As for triggers in the environment, I had never even thought about that one. I will have to look into this, thanks!

For the most part when I am angry I lash out verbally. I really say some of the most horrible things.

Same for me... it's all verbal. My H says that when I am angry I can be unbelievably vicious and it gets in the way of resolving misunderstandings and disagreements.
It's hard to admit it, but he is right. I call it verbal diarreah. I often times find myself regretting things I have said, because I really don't mean them. I just say them because I feel hurt and attacked and want to attack back. So primal, irrational and not helpful in any way.

H would sometimes intentionally push my buttons to get me going. Then I would lash out and he could sit back and say, "See there. Your anger is the problem." So really the biggest benefit for me is not giving him that. It then makes it hard for him to justify some of the things he does.

I could have written this ^^^^^ exactly. As a matter of fact, I just had a big argument with my H yesterday. It had been a while since we last had a fight and when we finally talked calmly today, he said "I can see that you are trying, but you still get angry and I just don't believe you can change so our R will never be good." I replied "Thanks for being honest. I want to change for me, but you are giving me more motivation to do so. I still love you and I will prove you wrong. So I will now go back and continue working on myself and time will tell."

And I do really feel more motivated. Everyone can change, everyone.

Maybe I am going about things wrong. Maybe if I were to say it is really hurting my feelings that you are disrespecting me and continuing to act that way? Maybe I will try that next time and see how it goes. My kids really push my buttons.

What has really helped me with my kids is something I copied from my H. He gets down to their eye level and uses a lower than normal, but firm tone of voice either to talk to them about the issue or to give them a warning. I have found it to be a lot more effective than yelling. My kids are also younger, but I also ask them "Would you like it if I treated you that way? Then please don't do that because I don't like it either and it hurts me."

I am a people pleaser. Constantly. I will say yes to things even when it creates problems for me. I will do more work even when overwhelmed to help someone else.

Yep, me too... I am definitely learning to set healthy boundaries there as well and it helps a lot to know and respect my own limitations.

However, one of my other issues is I am a perfectionist. My H thinks it is control. Maybe it is. Example-Say he has done a chore. Whatever, I will redo it. Or I will go behind him.

I am a perfectionist and so is my H. Yet he was the one who would get really controlling about it. He grew up with an alcoholic father and I understand it's quite common for children of alcoholics to have these tendencies. So H would go and re-do things I had done that were not according to his standards. And that would drive me NUTS!! I felt so disrespected and inadequate and would of course get angry back at him. I am now recognizing that his behavior was due to his own issues and am more likely to let it go if he does things like that.

He also says I always have to be right. He is correct in that. I can be a jerk about it. I don't really mean to be.

Both my H and I do this. Imagine how bad our arguments get... Yes, neither of us have good conflict-resolution skills. I can see that now and am working on it. H doesn't even acknowledge he has an issue with it, because "he is right" lol...

Thanks again for posting!