There'll be no white flag above my door-not yet La

[labug]

Last thread: I want to go camping

Not much to say-I've been commiserating with Tumbling as I so closely identify with what she's going through. How do you guard against becoming involved with an emotionally unavailable man?

It's a concern because I'm sure at some point (when I'm finally done with this R) I'll be attracted to someone and I don't want to wash, rinse, repeat. My H is such a nice guy, I don't think he has any enemies but he also has no close R. It would be very easy to fall for another Nice Guy.

Maybe I should make a list:
-Does he have close friends who are stable?
-Does he come up with interesting, fun things to do?
-Financially secure-not that I want his money but would like a level playing field.
-Married before? What happened?
-Able to state his feelings when he disagrees with something

Feel free to add to this list, friends.

I'm going to a fundraiser tonight for one of my favorite causes, Mother’s Oasis which serves the women of my city who have mood and emotional health issues during pregnancy and the postpartum period.

I'm going to bid on something in the silent auction in honor of several of my friends here.

And it's a Mini Chimi and Nacho bar, which will call for a Margarita!

[MKB23]

I have definitely got a list in my mind.
For starters if he is D what is his take on it? Did he learn from it? Will he discuss it?
A lot of questions I would like to ask. lol Probably run screaming from me. How do you feel really about cheating? Leaving? Anyone in your family do it? Parents?
How will we resolve disagreements. Will you tell me if something bothers you?

Then the normal stuff. Job. friends, interests. I agree with money. It is hard when things are not even. One might feel inferior. That's no bueno.

[2chiquitos]

I agree with MKB23's ques. I would want to know if they were the LBS or WAS? If they were the WAS, why? What did they do to try to turn the M around?

[labug]

Thanks MKB, who else has a list?

[labug]

So I googled and found this:

"It's not always easy to see who is and who isn't emotionally unavailable. At first glance, many men appear to be passionate men filled with solid career goals and have an impressive track record. They shower you with attention and you think you've finally found Mr. Right, but he could be Mr. Wrong if he allows you to rescue him from responsibility.

Mr. Wrong relates to you in a way that places all responsibility on your shoulders. You will drive the relationship, because he isn't able to provide input from his detached position. Unavailable means he isn't there for you when the conflicts and issues arise in the relationship. You rescue him by being ultra responsible for the relationship to continue or fail."

Now I know there are 2 sides to everything and I'm not denying my role in the R but when you tend to be an overachiever this just kicks that into gear and the Control Monster is born.

Add to the list, avoid someone who "lets" you make all the decisions.

[Sweetbriar]

Labug...this ^^^^^ really hit me. My H "let" me make most decisions and honestly, I think that he was an emotionally unavailable man when I met him:(

Now, OW will have to deal with that...I guess when the infatuation wears off...

[afa75]

Can we apply "Mrs. Right / Wrong" for us gents?

Does make a lot of sense Labug, good Googling; and hope you have fun at the silent auction.

[Breakdown]

Unavailable means he isn't there for you when the conflicts and issues arise in the relationship. You rescue him by being ultra responsible for the relationship to continue or fail.

In some ways this really hits home with me. My W is great at all the fun stuff and the day to day stuff, but as soon as there's even a hint of conflict, it's " I'll just D you."

[Accuray]

Labug that's such a tough question. Anyone here is probably going to offer you their own learnings. In general, I think you want to find someone mature enough to recognize when they are causing or participating in dysfunctional dynamics with you and have the wherewithal to put the brakes on without being consumed by their pride. To me, that would be #1 -- maturity including the ability to admit when they are wrong.

Secondly I would look for shared interests -- not because they are critical or because divergent interests cannot be overcome, but because similar interests will help to unite you while divergent interests are something that will require compromise. If you can enjoy the things you love the most with the person you love the most, that much better.

Third, I would look for someone interested in making their relationship work. A prior divorce wouldn't be a strike against them unless they view that as the easy way out in the future. If they've read "The Five Love Languages" that would be a good thing. You have to dig deep here, because while you're dating, they're going to want to make things work and will act differently than they will for the long haul.

Finally, it's important to find someone who either has the same level of sexual desire as you do, or if you are the higher desire partner, they will respect that and step up for you. Conversely, if you're the lower desire partner, you feel you'll be willing to step up for them without resentment and "pay it forward". Sex unfortunately can become such a source of pent up frustration, resentment, and ill will that people are so hesitant to (1) give voice to and (2) be willing to discuss rationally without getting emotional. Better to have that conversation up-front.

I think for you, based on all you've been through, there's very little chance that you'll end up with another emotionally unavailable man. As a matter of fact, I'd bet on you to make it successful next time around hands down. It's one thing to get married when you're young and don't know anything, it's quite another to do so with the gift of experience.

Accuray

[labug]

afa, certainly, I don't think this is a male only thing, anyone can be emotionally unavailable.

breakdown, as I've said before, we married very similar people.

Acc. you brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for your honesty and for the vote of confidence. You've been with me from the beginning as I remember your first post to me and the hard question: "Why do you want to be married to him?"