Thought I would provide an update on my situation. It has been almost a year since I last posted on this site. November 8 will be the 3rd Anniversary of when the bomb was dropped on me. At the start of this post is a recap of where I was one year ago. Hard to believe that I have been at this for three years now. I have been checking in on the site off and on over the last year and am amazed at the number of new people that come to this site for help and advice. Lots of people have also come and gone over the past year as well.
At this time my "wife" and I are still living together. Our relationship is still pretty much that of two people with 3 kids living as roommates. There are some days when I think there is progress and then this is followed by days of when she retreats back. I continue to work on being a better person and father and trying to always be that person that she initially fell in love with. I think that I have made tremendous strides in terms of no longer being that inpatient, angry, money conscious and controlling person that drove her away from me. I have given her space and time and we have not had a relationship discussion since January of this year. This came about only as a result of me finding out through a friend that she had been to the OM's house one morning on the way to work.
The challenge for me is that the OM is still a factor in her life. She has not changed jobs and they continue to work in the same department. Whether they go for lunch, coffee or other is not something that I am aware of. I have long since given up snooping, but have not seen any obvious signs that their affair is still on-going. Still, my feeling though is that as long as he is still in the picture and presenting this fantasy world option to her, she will not make an effort to try and rebuild our relationship. He is divorced and has been pursuing her from the moment that he hired her. Not sure if any one has any advice on this, but in my mind this seems to be a sticking point or barrier to us trying to work on things.
After 3 years of this, I am not sure how much longer I want to continue to give her time and space to decide what she wants to do. Do I need to engage her in a relationship discussion, indicate that I would like her to change jobs and start to work towards either a plan of reconciliation or a plan to separate and move on? I tried all of the approaches recommended in DR and nothing has any significant affect on how the relationship that I have with my wife. One minute we are picking out new Quartz Counter Tops for our vacation home and the next day she is on the Internet looking at houses that she could buy and live in.
I am in a good place emotionally at this time. Thoughts of losing my wife and the pain of finding out about her affair have gone away. My self-confidence has returned, I was recently promoted to Vice-president Finance for the $2.5 billion healthcare company that I work for. I continue to work out 5 times a week and I feel that regardless of which way things fall, I will be able to move on a find a better life.
I am not planning on doing anything until after the New Year, so maybe 2013 will be the year of a new direction and approach.
