good morning A-Gal - hope you are feeling better today - I am not going to use that 2x4 that livin used but I agree with her - Giving him space will create an emotional vaccuum that will pull him in. pursuing creates and emotional preasure that will push him away. Might put a photo of him next to the keyboard of your computer with a small note - "will sending him this email push him away or pull him closer?" as a reminder.
I found it very diffucult to not call C or IM her after the bomb and when she called I made sure there was nothing but positive frendly upbeat conversation. That way she has learned that there will be no presure on her if she calls or IMs and that it will be an uplifting contact. as a result she has started calling and IMing more and more. I have not innitiated any R talks and try to stay away from them as much as possible but when we do I try to validate her feelings and what ever she said I did I would respond with "you know, You are right." or something like that. they can not argue with you if you agree with everything they say. I figure that years from now when my M is back rock solid we can talk about it (but then if it is then rock solid, there would be no need to talk about our past R)
I like your goals for today and early tomorrow - keep busy and have fun. When he comes tomorrow night, you know what he likes about you. Well, you have a fun first date with your new boyfriend.
Quote: I am happy for you! These WAs can get all angry and determined it's over, one day and then the next be willing to work at it. Thank God for miracles is right!
Hoping this happens for me
Don't pursue, it's hard, but you must do it! Wish I could send you some patience, but I need all of it for myself, LOL
Livnlearn summed it up, you are trying to hard, I know this is rough and you want to share your insights with him, but don't. That is what we are for, share, vent, comment here. You seemed to get a positive response from him when you began to back off and then you jumped on top of it and started doing what you have been doing.
Take your goals, write them down and put them somewhere where you will read them first thing every morning.
Also, all the energy you are taking to please him, change the focus of it and do things to please you. What made you happy today? What made S happy today? What did you like doing, what made a smile cross your face, even briefly. Take those activities or moments and expand on them. For every time you push H is going to pull away. You ask him what he wants, he says he doesn't know, leave it at that, don't find another way to ask the same question. Play the game of being the first to end the phone call with a cheery bye!
Also, it struck me that he was keen to go bowling until he found out others were involved. Possibly he doesn't want to be around outsiders right now? Don't force him, maybe plan a bowling date for just the three of you.
You can do this! It is hard, but it is for you as much as him.
Well, good morning all. I have decided that when he comes home I am just going to say hello, give him a kiss, offer him a snack, then take son and go downstairs and play a game. We will leave him alone so he can have his peace and quiet..but we will do so nicely. Inside I may be thinking a bit differently, but I am working on that. I want it to be authentic, loving detachment.
The conversation that you had with your h is him disrespecting you. I suspect you've had many a conversation like that with him over the years. Ones where you put your heart out there and he rejects you then is vague refusing to give you any helpful, meaningful reply.
MC told me that when my h starts to become vague, giving lots of I don't know answers that I should just end the conversation. You have conditioned each other to give these responses over the years. Your h knows that he can make you beg by giving those type responses. You have to condition him NOT to by stopping them right away.
And you can't tell h what the rules are....he doesn't play by the same rules as you. So you are just wasting your time just telling him about opposites, asking him what he wants. Respect your man by treating him like one...keep it simple...food, affection, gratefulness, and sex. Read the book "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" for insight.
Keep it simple. He says he doesn't know well then you say ok I'll see you when you get home then. Bye.
Recondition that man of yours don't trade him in for another model!
You are (with the best intentions) overloading your H who is NOT receptive to these actions/words at this time.
DO NOT say ILY...just stop it...can you not tell that he is only reluctantly returning this phrase? How do you suppose that makes him feel?
I'll bet he feels CONTROLLED...like he has to respond in kind or there will be some sort of hell to pay...ditto with the expected phone calls.
He seems to be telling you quite clearly that he needs space right now...he sounds stressed from work, pushed into "knowing what he wants" while driving home.
Pressure....that's NOT what you want to create for him, is it?
Someone else put it well: HAVE the meal there...if he's not hungry fine, no problem. Let him unwind some, hold off on suggestions, drop this rope for a bit...see what happens.
I just got caught up on your thread. Wow lots happening here.
You have been in good hands. I add my vote to LNL. Such good intentions and yet to H it is like a tidal wave. Make the water calm and inviting. Offer a suggestion and leave it. Sometimes just a simple "OK". Like when he said he just wanted quiet. Smile, OK and maybe a small peck on the cheek and go downstairs. Don't spend so much time explaining how when why. Just calmly go do it.
Well, he has not read my email. So, I guess it was just a huge mistake to bear my soul again and tell him how handsome and attractive I still find him. I WILL NOT CALL HIM TONIGHT. I WILL NOT EMAIL HIM AGAIN OR BEEP HIM OR CONTACT HIM. I MAY NOT EVEN BE HOME WHEN HE GETS HERE.
I may just leave a note saying enjoy the peace and quiet am at a girlfriends...love, Col and not be here tomorrow when he gets here.
Hey, JJ...wish I'd been online, we could've chatted.
Well, he called last night. He is really pushing buttons. I tried not to let him get to me but he did...I let him. We had discussed him NOT stopping to go shopping in the city, and planned a day trip shopping together after he got home. This way he could be home earlier...cut and hour or so off of his day.... Well, he called and I mentioned I was looking forward to seeing him around 9...he said no, I am going shopping for my folks..so it will be later.
HIS FOLKS...HIS FOLKS...HIS FOLKS....I AM SO SICK OF THEM COMING BEFORE ME AND S.
Feel better now. Was venting. We argued. I told him since he was shopping for them, he might as well shop for us...I would zip him off a list...he said he thought we were going to town to do our shopping..and I was making his trip longer by adding another grocery list!
He always shops for us...so I had suggested he not to be able to get home earlier..then what does he do? Call and see if his folks need him to shop for them!
I eventually said..fine don't shop for us. I guess I have to decide if I am willing to live being third in your life...always coming after your family and your job. I don't know that I am.
I am no longer looking forward to seeing him tonight at all. He knows his folks are an issue with us and I swear he did this on purpose to piss me off.
I am so very close to just going back to the attitude of getting a D. I am afraid that my tolerance for being treated like sh*t is no longer there.
I swear, I love the man he used to be, but this alien jerk who blames everything on me is NOT loveable. He is cruel, mean, and self righteous. He does things on purpose to p*ss me off.
I am definitely not in the mood to make . Maybe he can do that with his folks, too. Then his life would be complete.
I have not said much about how they interfere...but it is like he is still attached to them and will never grow up and be a man with his own family...he needs them and their approval and has no friends except his daddy and mommy. It is sickening.
Whooo...it felt good to get that out. I know how my SIL feels now. They blame her for everything that goes wrong in her marriage to BIL...and he is perfect (sarcastic). It is their way...they are perfect...everyone else is wrong...they must win everything....they are competitive and self righteous and cold...the most non-affectionate people I have ever met in my life.
And they wonder why their sons' wives are always so upset? Give me a break.
. Maybe he can do that with his folks, too.