So my I'm spending the night trying to figure out in my head how I am going to react to H leaving. I honestly don't even want to be here (if he does go) while he goes through his things.
Right now I say I don't want him back here, there's no good reason. Be his lighthouse, I can't even imagine that right now. I have been a saint giving him space and taking shi! quietly.
If he leaves I'm going to find my strong character I had when we met and not be afraid to challenge him at all!
So I'm back after an hour phone call from H. He opened up a lot like I mentioned in my last thread post. This is all fear...he admitted to being afraid of turning into his mother, alone in life not having achieved anything.
Boy, I hope she doesn't hear him say that she would smack his silly. She is strong and vibrant with lots of project in her life, and her church. The women walks faster than I do.
Anyways, I told him he could go, but I'm done tolerating ea than, so be prepared. I'm going to turn off the nice guy routine I've been on because now I won't have to take it any longer.
I don't know if that was right or wrong but I needed to lay some things out. He took it very well...again not trying to leave me...but I said I don't care, if you make ea an A, than the gloves are off. I have nothing to loose!
He actually said he would try to just come back to the family than...I said I don't know what that means, but you just better make sure your not trading one for another.
I'm going to tell him in the morning he's not ready and I don't want desperateness that brings empty promises. I am not in his way of finding himself, I am just making him aware of my boundaries I'm placing for me!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Journaling: At 3am h called to check up on me, he's never done that, even if he's crazy bored he reserved those calls for ea (it a n side attitude he says).
I was awake...he asked me how I was and said he was worried about me. I said I have no answer to sooth your conscience, he said he should have known the trouble he was bring me, that i was going to be affected by his actions.
Then he caught himself trying to give some kind of justification, he stopped and said this call is not about me, again asking me how I was.
I said I was done...sick of ea...sick of his threats and to go, I would handle it, but I'm not open to the idea (right now) to an open house arrangement.
I laid it out told him what I want and its up to him to figure his way through. I'm starting to turn the tables on him a little being ready to have him leave and finally seeing some benifits I would like to explore thanks to some great input here.
Thank God my 3 S's are over 21 and all out of college. With them still home and working, shopping, cooking and even picking up some of the carpentry left behind by dad, they say let him go. Mostly they say that out of him not wanting to put forth any effort for himself, but also because they see it would be better for me maybe.
My d18, my youngest , is very understanding while she starts college locally and picked up job at the mall. Anything has to be better than what we have all been going through.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
DM, I really like the tone of these last two posts, it sounds like you're building up your strength and preparing to drop the rope. Good for you! Like you said, this will be a great opportunity for you to explore that person you used to be and get in touch with her again. Let your H storm on his own while you rebuild your foundations.
You've been dealing with your sitch much longer than I have mine, but I will say that after my W moved out I have become more stronger and independent than I would have thought possible a few months back. It's been over 2 decades since I was on my own, but it turns out that guy that enjoyed life even though he was on his own with no W or kids was still in there and I found him and brought him back into the sun again. I'm discovering that I really am going to not only survive but THRIVE whether my W returns or not, and whether I bring another woman into my life or not. I suspect I will, but I don't NEED to. I will do it if and when I WANT to.
Good luck on your journey, what I'm reading in your posts is the same attitude adjustment that I went through and I think you're going to find yourself in a stronger, more content place very soon
AnotherStander Thank you, see its encouragement and realating to the sitch just like you have that is helping me get through this.
My h said I don't have to be polite to him about this, I said no, I have to be adult and true to my character. You want to be yelled at and abused, that's the punishment you put yourself through, not me.
AS: If by chance he doesn't leave I am going to continue to speak up more and place my boundaries appropriately. I'm done!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
More one on one talking here this afternoon. I am not loosening my new grip on the little corner of our sitch.
He asked me what do I want in a perfect world...I said no you don't, you don't get to set me up like that!
He has no hope in life...laziness is beginning to creep into his depression turning him almost sloth like.
I go dressed, put on make up, and am making stir fry with my S. H has retired to the couch. I don't know about the whole leaving spew...time will tell.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
hey hi- reading your posts. it's scary- but you sure sound like you're keeping it all together thru this wierd phase. wonder what will eventually happen.
i'm getting strength thru you - vicarious - fortification. liked your grip on small corner of sitch comment- it's like that, isn't it? i think in the crunch we can sometimes have a surprising font of strength in there to draw on. (sometimes i fold later- when it's okay to fold- but manage somehow to pull thru and "man up" for the giant challenge ) (well, things like someone's hospitalization or death- scary life and death stuff. time will tell about this love and d stuff). good luck and i think you have it in you to take control of it all. might begin by being forced to- i think you'll maybe be surprised at y0ur guts & gumption.
Mk: thanks, I am making an effort every moment to stay at this pace. Today I just wanted to curl up with my h in a big blanket, warm cup of tea, and watch a movie.
Maybe he'll be here (mentally) one day to do that again. Or, maybe I just have to find a new cuddle buddy.
Yea, I am letting my mind go there! Sh1t I'm not getting any younger and the loneliness makes me feel so old and washed up. It's not a goal, but I think I may have to realize that it just might not work out.
I will heal the day I let myself live again! Hope you find some inner peace and then share your secret with me
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
