Thanks Labug You're right it's my emotions driving me tonight It is best to do nothing when in panic mode or any other emotional state. H wouldn't see my best self if I called him. A girlfriend is calling at 2000hrs - not looking forward to it - not feeling bouncy and she is SO strong I always feel weak around her. She told me to bin H the moment he left in Oct 2010....
I don’t want to go on like before – directionless. I’ve given my best for two years of my life; I’ve stood for our marriage, I’ve worked on my selfish behaviours (tho admit I still get insecure) and I love and accept you more now than I did before. I don’t want to divorce but while our marriage is no more than an option, I am not interested in reconciliation. Either we agree to make things right or we organise our separation. Before you went sailing we talked about making things right. I did some thinking when you were away and thought a good place to start our healing was to take responsibility for how we got here and apologise. Whatever happens, I would like to say I take 100% responsibility for the damage I did to our relationship for which I am truly sorry.
I am sorry that I wasn’t always a good wife and partner to you. I am sorry that I criticised you a lot - no doubt made you feel that nothing you did was good enough. I am sorry that I didn’t support you in the way I should have – I was often selfish and didn’t ask what you needed I am sorry that I interpreted all your choices related to me – e.g I know playing xbox games doesn’t mean you don’t love me, it just triggered me I am sorry that I didn’t respect your need for downtime when you came back from working away – I was demanding instead I am sorry that I didn’t understand the demands of your job – that it is different to mine I am sorry that I didn’t appreciate that we are different in the way we handle things I am sorry that I vetoed your spending joint account money I am sorry that I didn’t appreciate all the little things you did for us and our home. I am sorry that I made you feel you were not enough for me. I am sorry that I made it difficult for you to love me. I am sorry that I made you want to leave. I am sorry that I wrecked our marriage.
I guess what I really want to say is that you are all I ever wanted in a husband and that I am so sorry for what has happened to us. I continue to work on my Self to understand this constant need for proof that someone loves me and I am committed to being better person.
I have a letter/email saved on my iPad as well. It will never be seen by anyone but me. It's awful that we have to spend one moment of our life thinking so much about being sorry towards the person we love more than anything.
I wrote that email a month or so back. I think one day I will send/share the apologies. I think it will be freeing to say this to H. It will show that I owned my part in this disaster.
I'm over 100 posts - it may be time for a new chapter - but for now I am staying here
Hang in there, Tumbling. I know how hard it is. Don't call or write to H while in this mood. It will pass and you'll feel stronger again. Maybe you shouldn't stay home tomorrow morning so that you're not thinking that your H could be hanging out with you.
I'm thinking of you and send you strength. ((((Tumbling))))
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Recent text convo Me - hello? H - hello x Me - fancy a chat? H - 2130hrs? Me - perfect
Result from phone convo H sounded and said he was v tired. I said but it's nearly the w/e and that means big sleeps and that I'd slept 10hrs on Monday H asked about whale conference, who i'd seen I told him and then told him about the qs I'd asked at the end of one of the talks and how I didnt like the twisted use of stats by the NGOs Then we discussed that Then I asked about the cost of the car as he hadnt ans'd text He said he hadnt ansa'd cos he hadnt paid anything and was cross with garage and that he was having to come over my way tom I said if he wanted to hang in the house he could and that I would be around as I was wah. So he said he'd like to see me so if it was ok, he would get dropped here. So we are going to have breakfast together....
So I did pursue - in need of a H fix?... but I was in a good place when I did it (after phonecall from friend) but realise that I didn't stick to my do not text first!
I think H needs positive signals from me to know what to do?
