What should I do? Which technique to use?

[MrBond]

"I'm sorry you feel like I'm treating you like a kid"

This statement indicates that you do treat her like a child and are sorry she feels bad about it.

"I just wanted to talk to you about plans as adults"

Never say something like this. It again implies you're the "adult".

"I'm sorry they got moved like that."

You moved the bags because you were cleaning. You don't apologize for that action. You didn't do it intentionally. I think you're overthinking things so much that you don't realize the obvious.

[jzoom]

Oh, yes, I apologized for moving the stuff...didn't want it turning into, "you touched my stuff again, did you go through my bags again too?!?!"

She was in a pissy mood when she picked me. Said I was at her all day and other ppl where at her all day and she's stressed. She asked if I could find a different ride next Wed and I asked why she said b/c she wants to do another towns trick or treat. I said maybe, depends on the weather. She said that she didn't want anymore attitude from me tonight and I just looked at her. We went about our business of dropping her and the kids off and me going home and unloading the car. When I went back out to pick them up she's been nice to me the rest of the night. I helped get the kids their shower and to bed while she worked on her homework and I helped with the baby too. Now she's getting ready for bed with nothing else negative.

She just said goodnight and thanks again for everything.

[jzoom]

I'm not even going to try and give a transcript of this morning but after she got the kids to school it was time to open up on me about yesterday. How I "jumped" her right away and how I mentally abuse her by treating her like a child. I didn't do a very good job of validating her feelings but I also didn't argue her feelings. I didn't really argue her feelings but we both did attack actions of the other. I refused to apologize for stuff b/c I'm sick of the B.S.

At first she was attacking me and I wasn't going to keep letting her lie so I did interrupt some and then she started yelling and cussing so I told her I wasn't talking to her that way and walked away. She kept yelling at me so I went and took a shower and when I came down it was a little calmer but still heated.

She finally brought up the pushing claim directly to me. I told her I didn't and she said to keep telling myself that and she'll tell herself that I did b/c she knows what really happened. I told her if she's going to keep lying to herself and anybody else then we have much bigger issues.

Most of this was about the use of the car and I told her that she has been dictating to me how it will be used. I told her that I'm trying to make it "our house" and "our car" but she just dictates to me rather than talking to me and planning. She denied it of course and one of the issues was about me being near her dads place tonight due to all sorts of stuff about the ride situation. I finally said very firmly (and unfortunately a little loudly), "if it's that incredibly important that I not be near your fathers house then you drop me off tonight and then go pick up the kids." She started to say something but I had already turned and walked away. After that everything was civil again in the house and all the way to dropping me off at work.

Also, I've been trying to cheerlead and told her one night that I had a nice day. She said that's part of treating her like a child and mental abuse, that I can't let it go and just let it be what it is. She said me doing that is like praising a child who is potty training.

[jzoom]

I see what you mean about how the way I said some of those things could still imply that I'm treating her like a child and such. I'm just not sure what to do. I've gotten those tips from other communication books and stuff.

I got a call from the mutual friend b/c GF called her throwing a fit. Saying I'm being a dick about the car and she just can't wait to move out. Told the mutual friend how I treat her like a child and mentally abuse her. GF said that as long as she tells me where she is going with the car it shouldn't be a problem; that I'm just trying to control her.

GF also indicated that she doesn't like that I'm going to be going out when she goes to the bday party.

[AnotherStander]

JZ, what the heck is her hold on you? Her behavior sounds like bipolarism and Schizophrenia combined. She seriously sounds mental. I don't care how attractive she is, nothing is worth the kind of abuse and confusion she's putting you through. I think that once you get away from her, in retrospect you are going to wonder why in the world you put up with it. If the two of you had been married for 10+ happy years then it would be worth working on, but you got together in May which was less than 6 months ago and you're not married. Sounds like none of that 6 months has been a field of daisies, maybe you need to just accept that the two of you are not compatible.

[jzoom]

I think part of it is that I just didn't want another failed R and I wanted to be "that guy", the one that didn't give up on her no matter how bad things got.

She wants to see a doctor for depression and thinks she needs meds, it's quite possible she has some other issues as well.

After a morning like this and the call I got from my friend I'm rather depressed at the prospect of continuing to DB. In a way, I'm trying to hold onto some of the feelings of "you should just go" b/c it could help me detach.

This morning I was about ready to tell her to "f*** off and find her own way around" and that feeling grew after the phone call. I didn't b/c I may not have handled this morning the best but I was trying to be alpha without being an a-hole and just going, "get the f*** out and don't come back" kind of behavior. Like I said though, I may still not have really done it well.

I find it funny that she's upset about me going out for a night.

[jzoom]

How do I make her feel like I'm NOT treating her like a child?

I'll stop telling her I had a good day, goodnight will be enough. I'll just say "thanks" when she does something nice.

The being treated like a child issue seems to be stemming a lot from the use of the car but it's getting cold here and I can't keep using the motorcycle. I'm trying to coordinate stuff with her but she's so in those mode of "I don't have to report to you" that she doesn't share much info with me until the last min, expecting to leave me stranded at home while she goes and does whatever. When I step up and say that from a pratical standpoint I need to know in advance so we can figure out rides I get the "you're treating me like a child" attitude. If I take the car away I'm going to get the "I knew you'd do this, you're a dick and don't care about me or the kids".

[MrBond]

"How do I make her feel like I'm NOT treating her like a child?"

By watching your tone. Talk to her like your equal.

"I'll stop telling her I had a good day, goodnight will be enough. I'll just say "thanks" when she does something nice."

Why? You don't need to be a d*ck. Just watch what you say.

"The being treated like a child issue seems to be stemming a lot from the use of the car"

No I can tell it's probably how you talked about other things as well.

"she's so in those mode of "I don't have to report to you" that she doesn't share much info with me until the last min,"

Then talk to her about it. Just tell her that you would appreciate it if she could tell you things ahead of time so that she or you are not inconvenienced.

"If I take the car away I'm going to get the "I knew you'd do this, you're a dick and don't care about me or the kids"."

Mindreading. And in any event, this latest issue of the car would've been handled better if you would have told her instead (after she says what she was going to do)..."that's a great idea. Either that or we could (your suggestion), which would shave off time from your commute. What do you think?"

That's how you talk. You validate what she says (DB skill), offer your suggestion and ask for her opinion so that it doesn't seem like you're just wanting to do what YOU want to do.

Get it?

[NickB]

That's how you talk. You validate what she says (DB skill), offer your suggestion and ask for her opinion so that it doesn't seem like you're just wanting to do what YOU want to do.

Get it?

Great advice. I need to remember this for my own sitch.

[jzoom]

Alright, I think I will be re-reading your post to really get it to sink in.

Not saying "I had a nice day" is a direct request from her. She told me it makes her feel like I'm praising a potty-training child. What I'm saying is that since she told me that I want to really listen and not do it, if she cooks dinner, "thanks, that was good." Not being a dick and not talking down to her.

In the text about the party I guess it was the way I said I would drop her off and pick her up. She brought up that and that's where I was talking to her like a child. I should have just said, "I can still give you a ride unless you can catch one with somebody at the party."

I see how your way of saying the latest issue about the car could have made a big difference. I admit, I was upset b/c it was last min and my first impression was that she was lying about stuff b/c it changed from being late to the car being too full. So I was more thinking of how I needed to put my foot down about all of the lying and make a decision and stick with it.

Since she had brought up about next Wed night I went ahead and checked the weather. I sent her a text that tomorrow and next Wed look clear right now so I should be able to use the bike.