O yes Wendylon - get your own moustache! It might help you get "into" the party spirit. I like the idea of making your whole face right for the moustache w sideburns perhaps and wearing your hair different. Maybe you can find some images on the 'net to get some ideas. And wear a shirt so you look more masculine too perhaps? Kind of Julie Andrews - Victor Victoria? I wish I was coming too!
Wendylon- My thoughts on your last comment about what all you do. When do you go for YOUR next visit with your family? Perhaps, let him do it all on his own! lol Consider it. ;-)
Wendylon, your 180's are very specific. Great job! The one about being too detailed about the house stuff is especially important. I think if you focus on this all the time, you assume the role of caretaker/house manager, and put aside your W role (at least in his eyes.)
Think of more 180s to implement, and write them down.
Thank you so much, Tumbling, MKB and Tori, for dropping by.
I'm getting more into the spirit of the party, Tumbling. I really like your ideas.
As for when I go away, MKB, the house goes to pot in my eyes, but it's all gone very well as far as H is concerned. I'd have to be away for longer than I would want to be for H to realise that things weren't running smoothly. I know from one of S13's carers that things are very different when I'm not here. I'm usually horrified when I get back and can't believe they are happy living the way they do (blinds down in the daytime, takeaway food, unflushed toilets, bath with cold water in it, unmade beds...) They claim it's a bit of a holiday from the 'regimented life' they lead when I'm around! As for as I'm concerned, the house looks like a squatters' house when I get back.
Tori, that's a really good point about how I become house manager/caretaker, instead of W. I do feel that that house manager one of my main roles. I don't want to stop since the house would not run the way that suits me but I can do it without drawing attention to it. I've realised that I do it for myself anyway. Apart from D15, the others could live for a long time in a very messy/dirty house.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
He was recounting a conversation he had at D15's parents' breakfast yesterday. He'd been talking with the father of a friend of D15 that H took on holiday this summer with D15 and a third girl. H said to the dad that he'd not once felt irritated with D15 and her two friends and that the holiday had gone really well. The friend's dad said, "God, my wife would never be able to say that of me when we're on holiday. She's always feeling irritated with me". H and I laughed and then I said, "What did you say back?" Here's the exchange:
-H: I said to him, "God, yes, my W gets irritated with me several times on a daily basis"... but actually it's not so true of you anymore. Or maybe you're just covertly irritated and don't show it.
-Me: no, your'e right; I am feeling less irritated [only semi-true!]
-H: Why is that? Am I less irritating?
-Me: I'm not sure. Maybe.
Convo was interrupted by him taking D15 to sit an entrance exam for Sixth Form.
I wasn't sure what to say because it's not that he's being less irritating. I made a decision to get back into DBing since our R was going so pear-shaped but I couldn't say that!
At any rate, I take it to be a positive.
I've heard about the meal that he went to yesterday (but not the company). He thinks I'd really like it so at least he wants to share it with me, or at least, I got a detailed description of the food. I took his enthusiasm to mean that we should go together some time. I asked zilch about who he was with and he hasn't said anything either.
I'd stayed at home with S13 (since they are on different half-terms) while H was at D15's parents' breakfast yesterday. H was beaming when he got back because several teachers and the headmistress came up to him to say how wonderful D15 is. H was very keen to share all the details of that with me. He wrote me an email about it and told me. I keep thinking that it just wouldn't be as nice for him telling an OW how wonderful D15 is. While I know he has a crush on POW, I can't believe he'd really want her to be his W. OW is about twenty years younger than he is and thinks of him as the autism expert. She admires him and she's attractive. Obviously, H is sensitive to both of those factors but she can never be the mother of his children. She'd probably want her own children and I know that H is pleased we're past the baby period. Also, S13 is sort of like having a toddler who never grows up.
S13 is away with one of his carers this weekend, so we won't have any difficulties with deciding which one of us is on duty or with me feeling that H isn't doing the job of caring for S13 properly. That should make things a lot easier. H is back from dropping D15 off.
By the way, I'm amazed at how frequently people seem to be able to update and comment on the board. I'm always keen to get on here but have trouble finding windows of time. Maybe I need to learn how to do it on the fly more. I also have the problem of not wanting H, D15 or S17 to ask me what I'm doing since I didn't use to be on my laptop as much.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Mostly I'm on my iPhone lol. So I'm on here if I'm waiting for an appointment etc. plus my H isn't here so I could use the laptop but I usually can't be bothered getting it out.
It sounds like he is noticing you DBing and is having some positive changes!! Keep it up and Good luck.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Positive changes yes! He's taking notice that you're not so irritated and commenting on it. Great signs!
It's so funny to hear you say the house goes to pot when you're not around. When I used to travel for work (London actually) I'd come back after being gone for a week and there would be rotting fruit on the counter, garbage overflowing from the trash cans.
Sounds like we are living parallel lives on opposite sides of the pond.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
I suspect my H lived in a mess when I was away too BUT he knew I'd go ballistic if I came home to an untidy house so it was always spotless on my return or maybe he did it cos he liked the positive response he got
It took me a very long time to accept that just because someone doesn't do things my way doesn't mean it is necessarily wrong. I do things the way I do because it makes it easier for me. Someone else may be different. In particular, this is hard with my kids and their chores. I have OCD like tendencies but one thing I could care less about it making a bed. Perfect example- I can climb into a wad of blankets and quilts and be just fine. H needs to have the bed made and it be smooth. Neither is really right or wrong just a preference. ;-)
-H: I said to him, "God, yes, my W gets irritated with me several times on a daily basis"... but actually it's not so true of you anymore. Or maybe you're just covertly irritated and don't show it.
-Me: no, your'e right; I am feeling less irritated [only semi-true!]
-H: Why is that? Am I less irritating?
-Me: I'm not sure. Maybe.
Convo was interrupted by him taking D15 to sit an entrance exam for Sixth Form.
I wasn't sure what to say because it's not that he's being less irritating. I made a decision to get back into DBing since our R was going so pear-shaped but I couldn't say that!
At any rate, I take it to be a positive.
Yes, I take this to be a positive too. Good job!
Everyone wants to feel accepted for who they are. When we feel accepted and loved we are more likely to return those feelings. I suspect your husband knows how to please you, and if you keep this up you may be in for some surprises.
Remember also to reward positive behavior. Break your old negative cycle and start a new, positive one!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
