Listen to the advice you are given and then PUT it in motion for YOU. We have stood where you stand - and I can tell you it is stressful, hurtful, upsetting, your world is crashing around you but you still need to function 'normally' somehow... Even when there are unanswered questions (accept that they will NOT be answered), when things don't make sense. When it's hard and upsetting. When you feel abandoned. Focus on YOU and your sons only. Not H, what he is doing, and not some imaginary or perceived future.
How are you handling your winter blues months this year?
I can only tell you that after 'fighting' for 8 months, here is what I learned the hard way in doing everything 'my way':
Don't follow the OW situation. Do not acknowledge her - do not look her up. Nothing. You will not gain anything from it. It will eat at you. She is bug, an annoying mosquito to you. Swat any thought of her away before 'SHE' eats away at 'YOU' and you forget the real you.
What is it about YOU that drew your husband to you? What is it about YOU that you like?
Read the 37 rules. Again. and again. Memorize them. (It's taken me 8 months to get them fully in play.
You'll hear people say drop expectations, have no expectations. To me - that means drop the timelines. Don't expect H to be home. Don't expect him to 'see the light'. The only timelines I care about now are ones that affect ME and ones to meet MY goals only! H is on his own
Whether or not your H goes right into her arms could happen, could not. It really doesn't change where you are right now. When the thought comes up - do the stop thought immediately and get busy with something else that distracts you. My experience is that my anxiety and uncontrolled thoughts fuel the fire, until I make a big bonfire out of a little match. A little match I could've squashed out.
A big one I learned that I see you are doing: don't talk about your situation with family, friends. It's uncomfortable for H, it will be uncomfortable for you at some point, makes reconciliation harder, and it puts them in a position where they will feel like they need to choose OR they will mention that 'when' you get divorced, or 'cant you see that your H is...' which if you are trying to R with your H, doesn't help you stay positive. Keep your R's with your friends/family as a source of positivity, come here and journal more instead. Your family/friends won't have any more insight into your H's behavior either - and he WILL turn resentful and internal if this continues.
This ^^^^^^ sounds solid to me.
Originally Posted By: turtlegirl
After the conversation my H cried and said "nobody who says they love me or is part of my family can support me for who I am and my decisions, unless I make the "right decisions". Meaning that he wants someone to tell him that what he is doing is okay & that as long as he is happy then that's the most important thing.
He doesn't understand that his selfish actions are impacting SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE's LIVES WHO LOVE HIM! ESP me and the BOYS!
I think this is typical. My wife is also losing touch with her circle of friends and family because she says no one understands her, and she can't understand why.
I guess, when the fog lifts, they'll see why.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
After the conversation my H cried and said "nobody who says they love me or is part of my family can support me for who I am and my decisions, unless I make the "right decisions". Meaning that he wants someone to tell him that what he is doing is okay & that as long as he is happy then that's the most important thing.
Please, won't someone queue the violins, LOL! Oh poor H! The world just doesn't understand! Why don't they understand? Well it's nice that someone gave him a truth dart, probably won't wake him up but I'm so sick and tired of all the enablers out there. My W's friends all tell her "well you need to search your heart and do what's right for you." Really? Personally I would crawl through broken glass for my W and kids long before I would "do what's right for me". But we live in a selfish world filled with selfish people enabling each other's selfish behavior. And those who hold a mirror up to them are considered bullies.
"Meaning that he wants someone to tell him that what he is doing is okay & that as long as he is happy then that's the most important thing."
No. He wants someone to tell him that his feelings matter. That's why one of the first rules of DB is to validate their feelings.
Your H has a right to feel what he feels. What you should tell him is that you understand that he is unhappy and that while you feel his ACTIONS are wrong, you understand and support why he feels the way he does and hope that one day he can do be same for you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
After the conversation my H cried and said "nobody who says they love me or is part of my family can support me for who I am and my decisions, unless I make the "right decisions". Meaning that he wants someone to tell him that what he is doing is okay & that as long as he is happy then that's the most important thing.
Please, won't someone queue the violins, LOL! Oh poor H! The world just doesn't understand! Why don't they understand? Well it's nice that someone gave him a truth dart, probably won't wake him up but I'm so sick and tired of all the enablers out there. My W's friends all tell her "well you need to search your heart and do what's right for you." Really? Personally I would crawl through broken glass for my W and kids long before I would "do what's right for me". But we live in a selfish world filled with selfish people enabling each other's selfish behavior. And those who hold a mirror up to them are considered bullies.
Today I am feeling quite down b/c it is only 2 days until H moves out.
It is on his mind constantly and he TALKS about it to me like I am a good friend wanting to know the details of his move. (Should I get a long couch, HD-TV? Should I take all of my clothes now or just what I need for now....on & on!!!) I try to listen w/o judgement but inside I am upset he is SO focused on himself and BLIND to what he's doing to ME and OUR FAMILY!
Not that I've put a ton of time into thinking about the holidays yet, but I'm sure this topic will come up A LOT soon on this forum.
Now that H has moved out but we have no real "rules" for celebrating w our boys. I feel strange that he wouldn't be here, but I think I will feel strange if he is too.
Any thoughts!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I am in the same predicament as far as the holidays go. Just going to have to see how it is going by then.
As far as his furniture is concerned, maybe you should suggest empty beer cases for a entertainment center, and decorate with empty pizza boxes. Throw some smelly socks around and light some incense to mask the smell of his actions. Oh and maybe a strobe light, it would look really cool in the fog that he is surrounded in. Hope you are smiling after that!
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
It is on his mind constantly and he TALKS about it to me like I am a good friend wanting to know the details of his move. (Should I get a long couch, HD-TV? Should I take all of my clothes now or just what I need for now....on & on!!!) I try to listen w/o judgement but inside I am upset he is SO focused on himself and BLIND to what he's doing to ME and OUR FAMILY!
I went through this with W as well. The thing is, the WAS is totally convinced that moving out is going to usher in a new era of incredible prosperity, unlimited happiness, abundant spare time and awesome new relationships for them. They just can't wait to get started, they're positively giddy with anticipation. Then move day comes and...
Wow this is a lot more work than I thought. I have to mow already? Where am I going to put all this crap? This place sure looked bigger with nothing in it. I've got to work tomorrow and can't find my stinking hair dryer, what box is that in? What the heck, I'm ALREADY getting bills in the mail? I hope W gets my laundry done soon, oh wait, I have to do that now don't I. When am I going to have time to unpack the rest of the boxes? Maybe I can just stack them against the wall for now. I've got the kids already? Dang, now I have to go grocery shopping, get them to do their homework, bathe, brush their teeth, go to bed, how am I going to have time for all this???
Reality check time! So don't let it bother you, if he's like my wife then the incredible thrill of moving will be short-lived indeed.
