New to DB and Clearly Oblivious to My "Horrible" M

[NickB]

I have been reading many posts and have read DR already but wanted to post some information on here as much of this sitch is new to me and I am still learning as I go. I am hoping I can get some clarity on my sitch and try to improve what I am doing for the best possible outcome.

Wife (40) and I (44) have been married for 12 years – together for 14. We have three children (S-4, D-3, S-1). We focused heavily on careers of the first part of our marriage and started a family later. Wife became a SAHM once we had children which changed her life dramatically.

As with many on here, if I was receiving signs the marriage was in trouble I was blind and deaf as I was surprised to learn of an EA a few months ago which started in March 2012 and when I found out, my W countered with the ILYBNILWY speech in July.

As with many on here I also did all the wrong things. Begged, cried, demonized the OM, etc. I started seeking guidance and eventually found DR which I read and started to put into action in September 2012.

Current State:

EA ended in late September as the OM’s wife is filing for divorce and has made my W’s life miserable. In short, the EA ended but not with full closure in my opinion. My W has allowed me to access email and phone records so I remain cautiously optimistic but know this will crop up a few more times if not resume into a full PA.

We remain in the same house (rented), and the kids remain oblivious. We share the same bed but show no affect—which has been dead for a while. Yes, I know – major warning signed missed much earlier on.

I have been careful not to discuss EA outside MC which we started in October. Four sessions thus far and not much progress being made. W has confided in two friends and her Sister all of whom have told her to break off the EA and start to work on the M. Many know that is both good and bad as it only offers her pressure I am not offering directly. She remains in a heavy fog.

We are on general speaking terms but I am following DR as closely as I can and never bring up R. She has mentioned D two or three times back in September but never since. She still dreams of a separation which will “solve all of her problems.” I validate her feelings and have done my best to “open the cage door” as it were.

When she does bring up R in any discussion she gets very angry – a blind rage almost which has been strange to watch. I do not react and again validate where I am able and try to be a really good listener. It is hard. Very hard.

Through MC she knows I am willing to work on the M, but outside of MC I do not bring it up so most discussions are about the kids.

I am doing 180’s I think I need to do although I lack any real feedback on where she is unhappy. I am willing to work on myself and do GAL, but I am not confident I know the right 180s yet as the anger R discussions are just usually the “I wasted my life in this bad marriage and could be so much happier if you weren’t here.” Ouch.

In order to help with the 180s, how do I learn more about what was missing from the M or what voids she was choosing to have the OM fill? I am not focusing on the OM here, but trying to learn what I need to change and improve in myself.

I have a great exercise regimen, and have found plenty of ways to GAL with and without the kids, but the 180s are my struggle right now.

Any help in decipher what you don’t know and need to know in a sitch like this?