Chasing Ghosts

[Beardown]

W just called and asked if I wanted to meet her and S at a restaurant before we go trick or treating! WTF! I said I would go but seriously, why 4 out of the last days has she invited me to dinner? I may need to figure out if something happened with the OM before I give her my boundaries, what do you guys think? I could really use some help from a WAW if you are reading my sitch!

[DaddyLongShanks]

W just called and asked if I wanted to meet her and S at a restaurant before we go trick or treating! WTF! I said I would go but seriously, why 4 out of the last days has she invited me to dinner? I may need to figure out if something happened with the OM before I give her my boundaries, what do you guys think? I could really use some help from a WAW if you are reading my sitch!

Just a seasoned LBS speaking. It sounds like you got your mind back and you are feeling yourself for the right reasons. She may be trying to patch things up. But if OM is still in the picture, not sure how that's good!

I guess enjoy it if you want to and don't expect anything. You I read the post at 4:05PM and it's a great attitude to have. If you can keep that attitude you can't really lose.

If she is going to keep pursuing the thing with the OM at some point you are going to have to let him take on the FULL responsibilities of being with her. That means you are done with your emotional, financial, physical, time and other means of support.

[Arsene]

I totally understand where you're coming from my friend. Hope things go well.

With regards to the delivery, I like the idea of a letter as she is likely to keep it and read it over and over again. Not that she would forget the words but I know if I was a WAS the letter would hit me more than the spoken word. There's a certain formality about it that makes it kind of official. JMO.

Besides, in my case she dumped me through email so... . (and I did read it over and over again)

[Beardown]

Harsh, how could someone use email to say they are done with a marriage?

[Beardown]

Thought I would share my goals for 180's...

I want my wife to stay married to me - Check
She will start contacting me - Check
She will start asking me how I'm doing - Nope
We will get together for dinner - Check
She will start spending time with me - Check

As you can see this is why I go back and forth with the boundaries. I know it will need to be done but as you can see my short term goals have been met. Do I need a little more patience before I set my boundaries? 4 Weeks ago we weren't talking, presently we seem to have contact initiated by her everyday. Too bad the OM is such a strong presence because I would feel much better about all this contact.

Do I show her a little more patience or wait till I know they are together again before I give her the letter?

[Beardown]

Now that contact seems almost everyday, my new short term goals need to be updated...

She will show interest in what I'm doing
She will say hello when she sees me and goodbye when I leave
She will have any time of physical contact with me
She will continue pursuing dinner with me

Obviously this will change if I give her the letter.

[Beardown]

Thanks DaddyLongShanks

If she is going to keep pursuing the thing with the OM at some point you are going to have to let him take on the FULL responsibilities of being with her. That means you are done with your emotional, financial, physical, time and other means of support.

I couldn't agree more. That's what the letter is for. I am just trying to figure out when to give it to her. I am enjoying the time spent with her but it's fake right now. Only when the OM is gone and we begin seeing each other will it be real.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Thanks DaddyLongShanks

If she is going to keep pursuing the thing with the OM at some point you are going to have to let him take on the FULL responsibilities of being with her. That means you are done with your emotional, financial, physical, time and other means of support.

I couldn't agree more. That's what the letter is for. I am just trying to figure out when to give it to her. I am enjoying the time spent with her but it's fake right now. Only when the OM is gone and we begin seeing each other will it be real.

It might not be fake. You might be happy and she wants a piece of it. Just like you are another date. Your the date that she feels safe with, but your always backburnered while she's doing her real thing with the bad boys.

[Denver_2010]

Thought I would share my goals for 180's...

I want my wife to stay married to me - Check
She will start contacting me - Check
She will start asking me how I'm doing - Nope
We will get together for dinner - Check
She will start spending time with me - Check

As you can see this is why I go back and forth with the boundaries. I know it will need to be done but as you can see my short term goals have been met. Do I need a little more patience before I set my boundaries? 4 Weeks ago we weren't talking, presently we seem to have contact initiated by her everyday. Too bad the OM is such a strong presence because I would feel much better about all this contact.

Do I show her a little more patience or wait till I know they are together again before I give her the letter?

I don't think that it is necessary for you to rush into anything. You will have to set the boundary EVEN IF she is done with OM. This should be any married person's boundary.

However, if you think that you should continue to monitor the situation as it is now, then hold off on doing anything drastic. The question is, what is your pain threshold? You can continue doing what you are doing now, with OM in the picture, forever if it isn't hurting you and if you think that you're making progress...

[Beardown]

The question is, what is your pain threshold? You can continue doing what you are doing now, with OM in the picture, forever if it isn't hurting you and if you think that you're making progress...

Forever is the key word, If I don't set a boundary and act like this situation is not bothering me W will continue doing the fun things with OM and I will get the leftovers. Thanks for saying it like it is. Time to man up.