It's accepting the unknown. I have ALWAYS been a planner, organizer. This is something that has completely changed since all of this mess started. I do have faith in my husband. I know and our girls know that he is in there somewhere. But, like you said, it's going to happen on his timeframe. He probably doesn't even know when that will be. We have absolutely no contact with him. I got an email yesterday. One sentence. It was about money. No Hi or Bye. Nothing else. I dream about our future and I always see us together. Even when I start thinking about being without him, I always end up seeing us together. I cry almost everyday worrying about him and the pain he's going thru. I worry the same thing about my Ds. I feel so alone at times. I cry because I miss the love of my life.
I feel your pain TJ all I can tell you that you MUST listen to the advice here I came here in March and did not really start to DB the right way till Sept. These people know so listen to them.
My wife has been in Florida for 3 weeks now with my son I talk to my son but she wont talk to me I tried to control her from going out and it blew up in my face. Unfortunately we still live together so she tends to use me so she can stay out al night I also know she is seeking other men. But if I ever want her back I have to let her go.
Search for Recipe For Success this is a good list to follow. Also The 37 rules.
Also its important to remember that a lot of marraiges end because the LBS decides to leave the spouse in the MLC . Most MLCs last 3-5 years sometimes longer and most people get fed up. So I stay Stand as long as you can or as long as you want to.
You REALLY have a lot of control. Just know you can walk away when you want whenever you want. Don't forget that it might not be what you want but u have the freedom to walk as well.
I still love my wife as well at this point it maybe a one in a million chance but i think she is worth it. Check out some 180s you want to do FOR YOU and get to them once u work hard on making you feel good about you you will feel much better.
Remember to be strong, ignore them, their behaviorand build a great life without them.
Post here often these peeps are wonderful.
Sunny
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
So, am I doing the right thing at this point? The last time I saw him was a little over three weeks ago. He left the country. The last time I emailed him was about two weeks ago. I was upset with how he was making my YD feel. She was so upset and resentful towards him because of a missed senior year moment (actually a whole season).
. In the email I said maybe there would come a day that he would come back from wherever and whoever he is. I said hopefully we'll still be here, we can only endure so much. I did tell him if he was in love with someone else, to just say it so I could move on with my life. I also told him there is forgiveness but, I didn't think it would extended forever. I told him I know we all ALL are in pain and I wish he wanted to heal with us.
If any of the is wrong, too late because its already out there. He never emailed me back. He wasn't emailing me anyway. He did email YD and asked her how her last performance went and how is she. This performance is one that he flew home for the weekend last year to see. This was her last one ever! She was so mad and disappointed that she never emailed him back.
Now there is no communication between the girls and him. None between me and him either. Should I continue to stay silent? I just don't know what I should be doing.
Any advice? I have read DR. Other books are being delivered Sat.
TJP, Do not contact your h unless it is an emergency. If your h does contact you, wait a while before responding so that it does not look like you've been sitting there waiting for an email/text. When you do respond, keep your response short and no more talk about him coming back, etc. Their attention span to length emails is very short and most likely will not be read completely.
He's off in another world and most likely will not email your YD very much. His attention span is that of a gnat. His attention right now is to have fun and more fun and the life he left behind will remain in the shoebox in his mind until something clicks and draws his attention back to that life.
Keep the focus on you and your children. Go on w/your life as if he is never coming back and do not "expect" him to do the things he use to do as you will not be able to rely on him for anything. Keep your expectations at zero at all times. The man you knew and loved has been stuffed down inside of his soul for the duration. The man you see now is the reflection in the mirror, the exact opposite of the real man. Learn to accept him for who he is right now, not who he was.
TJP, I'm so sorry you are traveling this path w/us, but there are many here who will assist you along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It's so hard for us to accept that he chooses to miss things that never can be repeated. We know this is not him. We understand he doesn't have control over some of the things he's thinking. But, that doesn't make it hurt less. I don't know what will happen if he misses the entire school year, I don't know if my Ds will be able to forgive him. It will be a very sad situation for all of us.
My older daughter is away at college. She is having a very difficult time as well. She is so stressed. My H just complicates and makes everything worse for them. I think they both fell horrible about the thoughts they have about their Dad.
I hope for all of us, you and your family included, see an end to this soon, with our Hs returning home realizing what huge mistakes they've made.
But, it would be nice to hear some success stories.
There is a list of stories pinned to the top of the board. Those are the people reconciled. There are many more who are a success, and have survived this portion of their life.
Have you read all the homework that I give out or do you need me to repost it on your thread?
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice. You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of link
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
So, am I doing the right thing at this point? The last time I saw him was a little over three weeks ago. He left the country. The last time I emailed him was about two weeks ago. I was upset with how he was making my YD feel. She was so upset and resentful towards him because of a missed senior year moment (actually a whole season).
. In the email I said maybe there would come a day that he would come back from wherever and whoever he is. I said hopefully we'll still be here, we can only endure so much. I did tell him if he was in love with someone else, to just say it so I could move on with my life. I also told him there is forgiveness but, I didn't think it would extended forever. I told him I know we all ALL are in pain and I wish he wanted to heal with us.
If any of the is wrong, too late because its already out there. He never emailed me back. He wasn't emailing me anyway. He did email YD and asked her how her last performance went and how is she. This performance is one that he flew home for the weekend last year to see. This was her last one ever! She was so mad and disappointed that she never emailed him back.
Now there is no communication between the girls and him. None between me and him either. Should I continue to stay silent? I just don't know what I should be doing.
Any advice? I have read DR. Other books are being delivered Sat.
There are no mistakes really you're in a lot of pain and turmoil - unfortuantely REASON has no place in the MLCers mind - so anything you do or say that trys to move them out of there space will just drive their heels deeper into the mud so to speak.
The best advice is to treat him like he is a business associate – someone you know at work and don’t feel strongly about one way or the other. As hard as it is try to show no emotion or feeling – I am TERRIBLE at this – I miss my wife’s communication and companionship terrible – she has been away for 3 weeks and is coming home tomorrow – it will be a challenge for me to have to see her again – I think you’re kinda lucky he is not around after almost 3 weeks I think it’s easier if they are out of your face.
Be strong – one of the greatest things I have heard here is – YOU ARE THE PRIZE – don’t forget it – they wouldn’t have married you if you weren’t. They are in a place where they are BLAMING all there lives misery on you – don’t accept that it is true – everyone in a marriage makes a mistakes – understand that – bottom line is he wants to run and play now – so let him if you want to save your marriage the more you let him go the better right now.
This isn’t your fault – it isn’t his fault – just pray and take care of yourself and kids. They will see what is going on and they will have there own relationship with him – don’t lie to them but don’t make him out to be a monster either they will know the truth he can’t hide that from them.
Breathe, eat and try doing things that are fun – this is one hell of a ride and it doesn’t go fast !!!
Great to have you here – and know you are gonna be ok no matter what happens !!!
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
mrsrjd...things are ok. YD and I are not sleeping well, so everyday lately we have crashed after school. She had a moment at dinner last night. She is still angry and disappointed in her Dad. She is so scared that he is going to miss everything her senior year. I feel helpless. I, of course can't promise her anything when it comes to him. It's hard to see her upset.
OD was having a stressful day. She called from college and said her washing machine had flooded her apartment. Also, the school had been put into a lock down because of a near by robbery. It was thought the man had a gun and ran onto campus. Luckily that turned out ok. She doesn't handle stress too well. She has always held her Dad so high, that this has hit hard everything she believed in him.
I wish things were not so stressful for the girls. I try to stay positive for them. I talk to them whenever they come to me. There's not anything I would deny them to get off their minds. We have really become our own little family.
YD and I have a three day weekend. So, hopefully we can catch up on some rest. I scheduled massages and pedicures for Saturday. We always love a good massage!
Hope all is going well in your world. Thanks so much for checking in on me. :o)
