Where to start? I’m not sure how much background to provide. I’ll just start here, this past summer my H began an affair. I believe it started out as an emotional affair, but has since become physical. He denied it, but I don't believe him. The other person is a 26 year old girl with a 5 year old daughter. My H will be 41 soon. I know that the relationship with her is all about him, his needing the validation and admiration he wasn't getting from me, and that it says more about him than me.
Earlier in the summer I was having “bad feelings,” things not right and felt him pulling away. So in September I hired a PI to do a reverse look-up on a phone number that constantly popped up, all texting, on the phone bill. Before I confronted him, we had a fight about how I invalidate him all the time. This is his usual complaint of me. BTW, I have this same complaint of him and I should point out that I know I do this, but I also believe a lot of it is done in response to how I am treated. He can be mean. In this argument, I felt "set up." He plays mind games and says that I don't even know when I do it. I asked for specifics, but he had none. It was stressful for a few days. One morning he said he wanted to talk. He said, "the conversation the other night, it's over." Basically telling me our marriage was over because he feels that I invalidate him and emasculate him. I confronted him about the girl he is seeing. I think I took the wind out of his sails. He did admit he was "hanging out" with someone. I told him it was over and that I would file after the holidays. I ignored him and we didn't speak for several days, hello and goodbye only. A few days later I did tell him that I didn't want any of this, meaning for our relationship to end, but I don't know where he stands. I think he wants out sometimes, but other times I think he isn't 100% sure.
We still live together, with our 7 year old daughter, but have been sleeping in separate rooms for about a month, my decision. He hasn’t given any indication that he is moving out (I asked him during the argument above if he was moving out) and I don’t think he can, because of money.
I am currently reading Divorce Remedy (haven't read the original DB yet) and other materials. I have been putting in place the 180s and The Last Resort and I feel 100% better than I did earlier in October. However, I am finding it hard to deal with him staying over at her house and having to field questions by my daughter, “where is daddy?”, to which I reply, “I don’t know.” I won’t lie for him, but I won’t drag her into this any further. There are little things as well. He gave me money to get groceries, but my thought is I should tell him to buy his own food. Why should I continue to do things like this? I am confused by the “pull back”, not question where he goes, etc., and feeling like a doormat. It makes me lose faith in wanting my marriage to succeed. I know it is very early on in this process, but I also feel like it’s giving him permission to come and go as he pleases. I do believe he feels guilty on some level and he has been responding to my pulling back and getting my own life, but I also feel stuck. We had a great time with neighbors last night, trick or treating with our kids, but then he left at 10 pm, I assume to go to her house, and never came home.
Any thoughts, advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
