I still don't know how the W can tell our 3 kids, that she is leaving the family.
Don't be so sure she will. Many WAS's never say a word to their kids. They just create a trail of damage and expect others to pick up the pieces. My W and I decided to talk to the kids "together" which ended up being me talking 100% and her sitting like a statue even when I asked her if she wanted to add anything.
Quote:
She told me a few days ago, she was confused about her love for me. Like maybe it was family love not "love" but how can you be with someone for 15 years with 3 boys and confused about love?
Just another variant of ILYBINILWY. Don't try to figure it out. You can't. Neither can she.
Originally Posted By: lostsoul13
My W finallly told her parents about our decision. Of course they don't necessary agree with it, but I am kind of mad that they suggested, I move out and it would be easier for W.
Of course it would be easier on W. But she is the one leaving the M, why in the world would you want to make it any easier for her? DO NOT LEAVE. If you've read other threads on here, you'll see us say over and over again DO NOT LEAVE. You need to hold your ground. The person leaving is going to suffer the hardships of finding another place, moving stuff out of the home, setting up bills, getting used to a new place, etc. etc. This needs to be the WAS. Also the kids will always view the home as "home base", a place of comfort. And regardless of how you explain this to them, they will always view the spouse who left the home as the one that's at fault for breaking up the M. That needs to be the WAS. Remember that your W's parents, friends and other relatives will ALWAYS side with her no matter how dirty her hands are. You should not tell them ANYTHING because it WILL be used against you.
Quote:
However she also proposed to alternate weekends. Which I then replied "no, I will not alternate weekends because I get them M-F and I want the mom to spend as much time as possible with the kids. She says she needs some weekends to get out.
Personally I think it's a bit odd that you only want them during the week. Maybe they're too young to have much homework yet or be involved in scouts, sports, etc. but I can tell you that with S9 and D15 my weekday evenings are 100% occupied with driving them around, feeding them, getting their homework done and getting them to bed. The weekends are the only time we have for fun stuff like going to movies, hanging out at the park, etc. If I were you I'd definitely want some weekends. If you think you can block W from seeing OM by tying up her weekends, well that won't work. She'll just have OM over when the kids are there, which IMO is worse.
Quote:
I have to tell you, even though it seems like things are getting better, I have to keep telling myself "Hope without expectations".
I wouldn't gauge a single evening as indicating that "things are getting better". You need to see a trend over weeks or months before you know if that's the case. Like you said, drop all expectations.
The above is speeding up the D process. Quit helping her. D may be what she wants NOW, but will she in 6 months? A year? Is it what YOU want? Consider talking to a lawyer to learn how the D process works in your state, and how you can stall it. Again, you need TIME.
Try, when i said I helped her, I mean i gave her some information. I didn't actually file it myself. I refuse to do that. I am not being proactive on it. I plan on contesting (not signing it) it so it takes the full 2 years.
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
How long do you think she'll be happy with this new guy? What's the chance they will marry and grow old together? How happy will she be years from now when she realizes what she did to her kids and family, and the Husband who loves her?
Long distance relationship, not really knowing him after 16 years....I assuming this won't last unless the guy moves up (he is 1000 miles away). If she comes back to our relationship, then i need to deal with the aftermath of "Can i live with this pain"
I don't plan on leaving the house at all. As for the weekends, its not that I don't want the weekends. But i don't want her to avoid being a mom for 3 kids. Right now, her fantasy with the OM is distracting her from reality (3 kids need her time).
Plus the OM lives 1000 miles away, he doesn't have the money to visit. Her work, doesn't give her alot of vacation days, so the only times she could visit is on long weekends or Holidays (which we agree, we will spend holiday's together)
Basically if she or I want a new relationship, we need to work around the schedule with our kids to make it happen. I refuse to be the "Enabler" and she needs to realize at some point, the weekends will be her scheduled rights to see the kids. I will not let her avoid being a mom and at the same time, I won't be an "Enabler" of the affair.
The above is speeding up the D process. Quit helping her. D may be what she wants NOW, but will she in 6 months? A year? Is it what YOU want? Consider talking to a lawyer to learn how the D process works in your state, and how you can stall it. Again, you need TIME.
Try, when i said I helped her, I mean i gave her some information. I didn't actually file it myself. I refuse to do that. I am not being proactive on it. I plan on contesting (not signing it) it so it takes the full 2 years.
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
How long do you think she'll be happy with this new guy? What's the chance they will marry and grow old together? How happy will she be years from now when she realizes what she did to her kids and family, and the Husband who loves her?
Long distance relationship, not really knowing him after 16 years....I assuming this won't last unless the guy moves up (he is 1000 miles away). If she comes back to our relationship, then i need to deal with the aftermath of "Can i live with this pain"
Sorry LS13, if you were offended in any way by my comments. I just get the feeling you've already given up and resided yourself to the fact that she's leaving the marriage, when she's still there and you should be concentrating on DB instead of talking about who gets what after a D. Have you read DR or DB yet?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Sorry LS13, if you were offended in any way by my comments. I just get the feeling you've already given up and resided yourself to the fact that she's leaving the marriage, when she's still there and you should be concentrating on DB instead of talking about who gets what after a D. Have you read DR or DB yet?
Hi FY, I am not offended at all.
I haven't given up, just detaching and GAL. I haven't lost hope but i also can't setup up myself for failure. So I rather think she is truly leaving (all her actions make it seem like it anyway). She telling me she wants to see the OM today, is another sign that last night was false hope.
I have read the DB and DR books and I am still practicing it. I still believe but today when she said she was going to see the OM in Dec.....that was a gut punch.
Tighten up because there's plenty more coming! That doesn't mean you and your marriage can't prevail though. The trick is to not allow the small positive signs to get you too excited, or the negative ones to get you too down. You just entered a marathon, not a sprint. You'll be monitoring actual progress in weeks or months, not days.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I guess maybe my question is FY, if your wife told you this, what would you do?
I calmly told her, I don't agree with this, but this is your life, your decision. I will be there for the kids.
What you posted above is fine, now just stay on your DB plan and avoid all relationship talks. It's not your job to help her leave if that's not what you want. If she asks about post D logistics I'd just say I'm really not sure right now, I need some time to figure things out. Don't help her finalize things is my point.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Last night, we talked again about R. She is sending mixed signals, or i think its mixed signals.
Today we have a date, she asked me why are we going on a date, i said to reconnect. She doesn't say she doesn't want to go, so i am assuming we are going still. Which is a good sign.
However she also tells me, she wants to date other guys (which i assume is that Other man). She tells me not to wait for her.
But she is hell bent on testing the waters...
She also asked me, why is it everytime I am around her, i stumble like a fool. I told her because when I am around you, you make me a fool because of how i feel about you. I know that wasn't the greatest thing to say but I was being honest with my answer.
Emotional, I really want to be with her. But at the same time, I know i am getting the short end of this stick.
I am now officially in the marathon stage.
But i did get one good tip from her, she says she likes the attention of being needed. So I am assuming, I need to try and focus on this and not necessary ignore her and focus on trying to get a life. I know this my backfire on me.
But i don't want her to avoid being a mom for 3 kids. Right now, her fantasy with the OM is distracting her from reality (3 kids need her time).
That is such a strange response! You don't want her to avoid being a mom? LOL! How do you propose doing that, by forcing her to take the kids more? What makes you think she'll be a mom to them just because they're around more? Drunks drink in front of their kids, drug abusers do drugs in front of their kids, prostitutes have sex in front of their kids. I'm not saying your W is any of those things, but they're examples of how just because kids are present does not make people step up to their parental roles.
Quote:
Plus the OM lives 1000 miles away, he doesn't have the money to visit.
She's leaving you, so clearly she's not a loyal person. Why do you think she'd limit herself to one OM, or that she won't ditch that OM and find another OM locally?
Quote:
Basically if she or I want a new relationship, we need to work around the schedule with our kids to make it happen.
That's rational thought. Do you really think she is thinking and behaving rationally right now?
Quote:
I refuse to be the "Enabler" and she needs to realize at some point, the weekends will be her scheduled rights to see the kids. I will not let her avoid being a mom and at the same time, I won't be an "Enabler" of the affair.
We're talking about what's right for your kids, it has nothing to do with enabling. Your W told you she only wants them every other weekend. You cannot force her to see them more than she wants, and even if you do, it's probably not going to play out like you think.
