Mixed Signals From Walk-Away-Husband

[FierceHope]

Thanks Grateful... I'm trying to think of today as just another day... It's not easy. While we've never been big on celebrations, it has always been a little important to me.

And thank you, Chatterbug. I looked up Pearlharbr and am reading her threads right now. While there are some significant differences, I definitely see many similarities, too! Sometimes she'll say something, and it'll be like someone was reading my mind.

As for being friends with him... We were always friends! From the first day we met there was an instant connection between us. Both as someone we found mentally interesting and intriguing, as well as being physically attracted to each other. (Although, I inadvertently made him chase me for MONTHS before we started going out. I didn't know that's what was going on, but in hindsight? Yeah, he had to work for me!)

Right now, I want to maintain GOOD feelings around him. I want him to associate happy things with me, rather than negative ones. But, I don't think I can do it once a divorce is final. That's what I meant...

But the "cake eating" has been through my mind, too! I want him to start pursuing me again, because people tend to value what they have to work for! The first time was me just being ignorant and young, thinking we were really just friends! So, I don't know how to implement tough love and set new boundaries. I hope I can learn something from PearlHarbr and anyone else here.

Anyway, I asked my husband on Tuesday (during our R talk) if he would be okay with me initiating hugs sometimes. He's been giving me regular, nightly hugs since I told him about the "ball of hate". Sometimes in the mornings, too. I know part of the reason is to keep us on good terms; I told him I was scared of being vindictive if it grew... And he wants things to be as amicable as possible and keep the cost low. I'm trying to be realistic about our situation. But, I'm also hoping that there is a part of him that WANTS hugs, too!

He wanted a hug, for himself, when we were wrapping up our talk. I didn't notice immediately because I was still crying and blowing my nose. But, it seemed like he felt rejected when I didn't hug him immediately... just a feeling I got... Maybe THAT is part of our problem?

I know hugging him a lot would NOT be a 180, not entirely, anyway. I've always hugged him... But, releasing first IS a 180. And not expecting and craving HIM to initiate a majority of our hugs would also be a 180 - for me.

But, is it a good idea? I don't know. If he avoided touching me, I might think more hugs would be a bad idea - pressure! But, while he doesn't go out of his way to touch me (NOT his primary Love Language!), there are times lately when it seems like he finds excuses to do just that! The other day when I was washing the dishes, he was petting the cats and talking cute to them, and then he "patted" / stroked my head, acting like I was one of the cats, too! All in fun, but a part of me was thrilled! He touched me! Because HE wanted to, not because he thought *I* needed it.

And yesterday, I needed help with my costume, and he would spin me around, pinning various areas. But his hands! They were *definitely* in places that no "friend" would put them! At least not without an "oops!" I glanced at him, and his face was all business, so I didn't mention it.

What do you all think? I KNOW I'm probably reading too much into these tiny details, but that's all I seem to have sometimes.

How do I do "Tough Love?" Should I give HIM hugs? I know I don't want to overdo it, and create pressure...