No one is around to share my good news? I'm so frustrated! I want you all to know what is going on with me today and to know how much I appreciate your strength and support....Yes, he said I love you, too....it's a miracle...and I believe in miracles... Thank God for small miracles and large miracles alike.... Thank God for my belief that my marriage is not supposed to end... He comes home in just a little over 48 hours...I hope to ML and hold him close...Tuesday night.
He generally doesn't like to eat dinner when he gets home...so I want to think of a nice relaxing evening plan..for when he gets here..no alcohol involved....
Seems that several members of the board hare having an upswing in their situations. I am happy to hear yours is one of them. Tuesday nite we will all be pulling for you, I know you will do fine. As to what to do? I would suggest that you look back to what you did when you first started dating him that got him interested in you and do that again. Also no pursuing but be confident in yourself. Be the person we all on the BB have seen you become and you will do fine.
Do you feel like a school girl again? This will be fun.
I think I am going to ask him what he would like to do...that would be a 180 for me... I usually try to make dinner or bake a cake or do something for him and he shies away from my efforts...perhaps sees them as too controlling? But if I ask...what could I do to make your evening relaxing when you come home Tuesday night? Perhaps he will respond with something more than ..."nothing, I just want to come home and get off the road after driving..." Maybe he will open up and give me a clue as to what would be an enjoyable relaxing evening together with me...his wife. And even if he just wants to watch tv...or read the paper...if he tells me what he wants...then I can give it to him... Thanks for responding...Bob, I do feel like a school girl.
Hi Akgal, I am happy for you! These WAs can get all angry and determined it's over, one day and then the next be willing to work at it. Thank God for miracles is right!
If asking his opinion is a 180, it can't hurt to try. Good luck and I can't wait to hear how it goes! God bless and take care! Debi
Trying desperately hard to be nice to H...asked him what he would like when he got home...said I know you don't want a meal ...as you usually have already eaten...what could I do to make you feel welcomed home? His response a very sarcastic...I don't know.
When I persisted...he said I know what I don't want...you've been doing a lot of yelling at son over homework..don't want to hear it... told him son had gotten grades back up so that was no longer an issue...
asked him if he would like a movie perhaps...NO..I wouldn't make it through a whole movie...I am tired when I get home from driving home four hours... asked if he wanted a bath drawn for him so he could take a bath and relax in the jacuzzi...NO RESPONSE
I say..I am just trying to find a way to make you feel welcome when you come home without me being controlling and doing what I think you would like...that is why I am asking you what you would like...but since you don't know..I guess I just won't do anything... I said that very calmly and quietly.
Then he says You have been thinking about this all day. I don't know. I don't know what I want... maybe just some peace and quiet. This is said in a very nasty tone of voice.
I said...Fine. (calmly not reacting) I will have S stay up until you get home and then he will say good night and go downstairs...I will leave you alone and you can have the house to yourself. You can have peace and quiet if that is what you want.
He says..S should be in bed it will be after ten anyway...I say S doesn't go to bed until ten thirty or eleven..he is twelve almost thirteen...not five...but he can go downstairs and watch tv in his room and I will find something to do and you can have your space.
Explained that I had been looking into the five love languages and explained that I now knew his language was different from mine and that I would like some help speaking it...said I thought he was acts of service and words of affirmation...he seems to need to be told how good the lawn looks or how nice a job he's done on the driveway, etc. and I am not so good at that and I know that it's hurt him and I want to change that...I know that he likes me being "domestic" so I had tried food as an indication of the fact that I loved him...but on the nights he first gets home he is not usually hungry.. Told him my languages were affection and gifts...I love to be touched and I love presents...small, big, etc.
His response? SEE...WE ARE OPPOSITES...JUST LIKE I'VE BEEN SAYING. Nasty tone, nasty attitude.
I didn't rise to the bait for the fight. I said...yes, most men and women according to what I have been reading are very opposite..so understanding that and accepting that is key to getting along better.
I didn't bite for the fight each time he tried to push my buttons.
I said...would you like to go bowling with us when you are home? He says yes. I joke ...are you going to kick our butts? Who's us? he asks...I tell him girlfriend and son, me and son. He says I don't know.
He yawns. I ask about his day, the weather, his dinner. He yawns again. I tell him to have a good day tomorrow...suggest it would be nice if he called me instead of me having to call him...he says yeah, ok, (but I get the sense that he will not call) I tell him I love him...there's a pause...he says I love you too..good night.
Aliens. Button pushing Aliens. ARGGGGGGGGH.
I think he is playing mind games with me again. Why? What is the use? What is the purpose? Why? I am not going to be the one who starts fighting again. He can start the fight if he wants it and fight by himself. I am dropping the rope. I am not going to play his game anymore. He is looking for an excuse not to come home or an excuse to leave home. If he wants to leave...he is going to have to take the responsibility for his actions squarely on his own shoulders...I am sick of him blaming me for his wrongdoings. I try to be nice...he is mean. I try to make amends..he is cruel. I try to make peace offerings..he throws them back in my face.
I decided to act as if everything is fine and emailed this to H so he will get it first thing in the morning
Writing this to wish you a very Good morning.
Have a wonderful day.
I looked at our photo again before writing this...the one from work party...and had to tell you...You look so handsome in it, I am really blessed to have such a good looking hunk of man in my life.
You are right. We are opposites, Paul, in many ways...but opposites attract...and I am still very attracted to you. Everything I've read says that men and women want different things from each other and express themselves differently...we just need to be more understanding of that. The book that we did the list in way back when even says that most of the time husband's and wive's lists are completely opposite of one another's. I'll show it to you when you come home. It's ok that we are different. We just need to appreciate each other for who we are..we used to do that. We can again.
You are a wonderful lover and I miss touching you...I hope you aren't too tired to relax in bed with me when you get home. I know something that will relax you for sure.
Sorry I wasn't there to celebrate with you when you had the upturn, and thanks for visiting my thread.
Reading through your last post, I got the strong impression that you are just plain TRYING TOO HARD! You are all over him, trying to please him etc. You need to keep your strategies a little closer to your chest, just DO what you plan, don't tell him in so many WORDS what you plan.
For instance, when he arrives home, you could say you have something ready in the oven for him to eat, if he wants, but make it sound like it wouldn't be a big deal if he wasn't hungry. You could ask him if there was something he'd like to have or do, and if he anwers no, just leave it at that, Do NOT pursue him, asking him over and over again what he wants. Oh yes, make sure you look nice .
I have had the same problem at home with me yelling at D over homework and other issues. It always feels to me that the responsibility for making sure that D does what she ought to, or the dicipline issues, fall on my shoulders, and then I get no back up when things get difficult. But the truth is, constant yelling is NOT the answer, whether our Hs minds this or not. So that's an area that definitely needs working on.
DO NOT ask him to ring you. If you have to ask, it isn't worth it anyway. Make yourself more attractive so that he WANTS to ring you! You have it there in you, that's why he is married to you!
Sorry to sound like a warped record, but it really seems to me that you need to BACK OFF. Not in a sullen way, just in a pleasant way. Show H when he returns that you have a life too, by going out with your friend too. Don't hang on his every word or look. DON'T give him a stick to beat you with!
I'll be rooting for you on Tuesday!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Our posts crossed - I was replying to your second last one about how he was pushing your buttons.
In the meantime you have emailed him yet again!!!
I know how you are feeling, but when are you going to stop??
If you look back over that account of your conversation recently, you will see that each time you'pushed' him, with a question or whatever, he was distant or nasty. You need to step back!!!
Livnlearn
PS I am not infallible, but what I write is what strikes me so strongly from your posts, that's all.
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Yes, you are right. I need to stop. I am not calling him tomorrow. I am not emailing again. I am not emailing on Tuesday or calling before he leaves work. I am having dinner with my girlfriend tomorrow and on Tuesday I will make some sort of plans to be out of the house during the day. I will be home when he gets home and will be cheerful when he arrives, but will just look nice, say hello, and then go to bed. He says he wants peace and quiet...I will give it to him..not nasty, will be nice about it. If he ends up sleeping on the couch...that's his choice, isn't it? If he comes to bed...that's his choice, too.
I have got to completely drop this rope before I hang my marriage with it.
Hit me again with that 2X4 Livnlearn...I deserve it. Heck, I need it.
Lately, day after day, week after week, you have been dedicating time and energy to a difficult, thankless task. You're feeling drained, doubtful and disillusioned. Has it been a great mistake? Would you have been wiser not to bother? Such pessimistic thoughts may seem justified now, but before the week is over, you'll see how little relevance they have. You're about to turn a crucial corner. This, indeed, is why you're finding it so hard to see your path ahead. Once you've rounded the next steep bend though, all will be straight and clear.
Ok, I am going to take this as a good horoscope...I will not be pessimistic. I will not give up. I will not rise to his bait. I will stop pursuing...and just act as if...I wish I knew for sure what the heck h's problem is...
ML 
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