I was pretty discouraged the day she left. Within a couple hours of the cats leaving, there was a mouse waving at me from the cupboard. Fearlessly! Then the pouring rain found a path in and I had to put a bucket inside to catch it. Then a warning light came on in my car. Yeesh!
I was on the road for work for a couple days and came back to hurricane forecasts. So, I spent several long days working on the roof, despite rain. Finally came in and hunkered down yesterday afternoon. The winds weren't too bad here, so my roof-in-progress survived. And it didn't rain inside at all!
P called to let me know she arrived home safely and that's the last I heard from her. I sent some things she forgot (and needed), which she should have received several days ago.
I'm sure she's busy, too. In the quiet moments, though, the all or nothing is harsh. Even when she was here, she wouldn't call me on the road unless she had a specific reason that was not at all related to "wanted to talk to you." That's just where she is right now.
...must keep thinking about T^2 and the feral cat...
I'm doing my piece. I took the next step in firming up winter plans. Still waiting for info back. (Wendy, we're planning a winter vacation together. It was originally going to be for 2-3 months. Now, P isn't wanting to be away more than a month.)
We worked long and hard, especially towards the end of P's visit. I wanted to make the most of the help I had on a limited time frame. P started waxing philosophical (in that maddening way of delivering pronouncements that I always fear is going onto the scorecard) about how I'm so intense and how she prefers a slower, balanced, pace. I pointed out that she had worked long hours on her roof. Yes, but that was because she had a limited time frame... I managed not to argue or defend myself.
The maddening part is that she sounds like she's just figured something out, or decided. And I hear it as "You are this way. I'm different. It proves I was right to leave." Okay, maybe that's a lot of mind reading. I managed to be low key in my responses, though. After one pronouncement about my intensity, which I badly wanted to "correct", I thought for a very long time before offering up, "You are better at changing gears." Yes! She agreed with that insight and went back to analyzing my "intense" behavior. Sigh.
Isn't that interesting? I tell myself that this is the period where we get to see who the other really is. I'm observing and clearly she is doing the same. I don't like all the conclusions she comes to, or how she may be using them to justify her choices. I can't do anything about it, though. (I hate that!)
Focus on my path and let her figure out hers. She had asked me to send her photos as the roof work progresses. Part of me thinks I should give her space and let her lead on making contact. I'm not sure how well that's been "working". And I agreed to keep her posted... Well, maybe I'll get more info on the winter vacation soon and then I can contact her with an excuse that doesn't sound anything like "wanted to talk to you".
SD, I think i relate to what you are feeling right now.
Its almost like the sitch is at a stalemate. Lots of observing and isn't that interesting, feeling like maybe more could be done, but we know in our heart of hearts, there is nothing right NOW to do, except what we are doing. That doing nothing is actually doing something.
Wanting to hear from them, not just for logistical matters.
I know, that it has put me into a panic several times in the past three weeks. Is this the calm before the storm? Maybe. But j3b said something that stuck..the doldrums of DBing...and then Cadet followed it up with TRUST THE PROCESS.
this is part of the process. We don't know the outcome, but we are definitely in the middle of a process. and we are actively a part of it, even in our silence.
I hope you are doing well. I am happy that you are safe!
Busting.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Busting, well put. It does help to think that I'm engaged in some important process even if I'm doing nothing. And doing nothing wouldn't be so hard if there weren't all these pesky feelings.
Last night I was sifting through my photos, looking for something of me to post in the alternate universe. I found lots of photos that I had taken of P and they made me smile. But, I got to the end and there were darned few of me. I found that deeply sad.
P left a message on the house phone today, saying she was just checking to see how we (housemate and me) and the roof survived the storm. Said she was around if I wanted to call back. I was busy, so waited. I'll try this evening.
Hola, Vero. Thanks for checking in. You've reminded me to be proactive about my PMA, so I'm smiling now. Can you hear the creaking at the corners of my mouth?
time for the super hero cape that you were hiding under your clothes while P was here... to come out and wave proudly.. you did so so well with P here not to get defensive or react to her perceptions of you.. is that a 180?
you will have more and better opportunities to DB on vacation as it will be more relaxing and fun than her visit to work on the roof.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Thanks NG. I'm getting ready for more superhero efforts on the roof today.
I did call P back the other night. We had a long chat. I might technically have ended it first, but mostly I think I was just blurting out one thing after another that I was eager to tell her. I do need to tone it down a bit...
We've had some emails back and forth about the winter plans. A few days ago there was the email entitled "health plan". Ugh. (I'm on her plan...) After explaining that this is the time period when she can add or drop people, etc., she says she's inclined to leave it as it is. What do I think?
I told her it's advantageous to me and I appreciate it. And I don't want her to do it if she'd rather not, for any reason. She responded "Let's just continue the health plan as is."
That was all interesting. Then last night I got an email from her reporting an unusual bird sighting. More interesting. The first move in getting us together originally was me emailing her with an unusual bird sighting. There have only been a handful of non-logistical contacts from her since she left in the spring. And they tend to happen right after I've seen her. I should not be surprised if they drop off as she transitions more to her life there.
Okay, time to get off the rollercoaster and onto the roof!
Long time no post... I've been reading along on other threads, which is invaluable.
I'm struggling with P being so far away, knowing I won't see her until mid-winter.
I didn't hear a peep out of her around Thanksgiving. That was disappointing. She's been in contact again, sometimes without the excuse of some logistical question. That's nice. I notice that I have to work on appreciating it rather than negating it. I have negative tapes that play in order to keep my expectations down. It really is a challenge to remain positive AND without expectations.
New housemate is working out well. She's not around much so her cats sit on me. Perfect!
The seasonal change is getting to me, too. It definitely makes it harder for me to keep moving in a positive direction.
Hmm... Maybe it's time to read back and review some goals. And handy mantras...
