Back to Square One?

[Wendylon]

Thank you very much, MKB and Tori. I'm rushing off to meet some friends for an early supper. My mother keeps telling me not to count on H for anything. I always thing that is the sensible thing for me to do but then I 'forget'. Thank you for telling me. I'll probably need to hear it again.

Tori, do you suggest that I go to the party with H so that people know he has a wife?

I might check in later but if not then tomorrow for sure!

[tori2012]

Wendylon, can't write too much bc I'm using my phone to type. But I think you should go to the party with him and try to have a great time---that's your 180. Don't hang out with him all the time. Meet someone new at the party. You can do it! Hope dinner was fun.

[Tumbling]

Quick one re separate cars to parties - we didn't do it every time not even half the time - we did it when he was tired & sometimes, altho we arrived in separate cars, we left at the same time. The two cars meant we had options.
We both understood how each other felt about socialising.
When H left early, I always knew I was married and acted responsibly. There were never times that we encountered new people without each other. I guess it depends on the individual's interpretation of the action/option. I value my independence. My engagement ring is not a full circle for that very reason - I believe in spaces in our togetherness - very Khalil Gibran.
I was/am always w my husband in my heart.

[Tumbling]

I agree w Tori.
You should attend all the parties and try to have a good time.
You could make it a game and give your Self a mission of finding out an interesting fact about each person.
I'm sure you will find one person to 1-2-1 with.

You might also tell your H that you want to attend these events w him but sometimes you feel awkward and that it would help if he could introduce you to someone or something similar (but I don't know how your H responds to your vulnerability so don't do this if you think it will not be positive/help sitch)

[Wendylon]

Thank you very much, Tori and Tumbling. I will go to that party with H. You've convinced me!

I'm even keener to go to that party on 24 Nov as he's just announced that he's having dinner out tomorrow night with someone from that crowd. I'm a bit suspicious that it might be with POW instead (and not someone from his university days), so all the more reason to go to the party and ask to be introduced to the person he (supposedly) will have had dinner with. Actually, maybe I'd just be setting him up to feel cornered. That may not be a good thing. I'll wait for advice from you guys!

H has been back over 15 hours and so far so good in terms of me not pursuing. I've thanked him for going to see my father and step-mother, and said that although he hadn't gone for me I really appreciated it. What I meant is that I know he went because he is fond of them and of adventure. He also feels important because he has the latest news on my father's deteriorating state of mind (Alzheimer's) and my brother and sister both want to talk to him about it. At least, it keeps him in the family loop.

I got one good bit of feedback from my sister-in-law. She spoke to H when he was at my father's and she asked H how I was doing. She wrote to me to say that he told her that I was happy and doing very well. It must somehow have to do with my acting more detached.

As I predicted, H is in a complete muddle about which of our children are off school and which are back. He managed to assume the wrong way around for two of them. I was glad that I'd anticipated his muddle because I was able to contain my irritation.

I'm so grateful for this board and DB principles.

[afa75]

You may not feel it, but it sounds like you're doing fairly well.
Go to the party. Wear a mustache even. Try to meet new people, even of the opposite gender, not flirt, but maybe get him thinking a little. 8)

[labug]

all the more reason to go to the party and ask to be introduced to the person he (supposedly) will have had dinner with.

Act uninterested, not in a flip way but just let things unfold. The more you try to control outcomes, the more difficult it is for you.

[MKB23]

I agree with LA. Just go and see what happens. Keep your ears open! lol I would think by asking it is more pursuing. Also, did you consider a calendar of sorts? If he has a blackberry or iPhone you could do like Google calendar or something. Up to you.
I guess I forget about techno stuff. In my house I guess because H is older but I am the techy. He would think I had lost my mind if I put a calendar on his phone. lol However, if that is something you might want then the kids could even update their schedules themselves.

BTW Is it mustache only? I was thinking a nice goatee and sideburns to match would rock! I know you could rock it!

Oh I meant to ask have you read the 5 love languages?
I was wondering what love language your husband is. Thinking maybe we could work on ways for you to sneak some of those contacts in there.

[tori2012]

Nice job, Wendylon, anticipating an outcome and avoiding the irritation/anger. Keep it up.
I hope the party is fun. Now I feel like going to a party too!

[Wendylon]

Thank you very much, Andrew, labug and MKB. I feel v supported.
I still can't get over how powerful it is to have people from a board helping.

I reckon I will even look for my own moustache. I had said to H that he'd have to find one for me. And I will act as if I'm not that curious about who he is eating out with tomorrow evening. He did tell me which restaurant he is going to try out. It looks like somewhere I'd enjoy. He also emailed me a link about l'Ile de Re. I'm not sure why--possible holiday destination.

MKB, thanks for calendar ideas. H has the needed info ab our kids' term times and every other family event on his iCal. We 'do diaries' pretty regularly and I watch him type it all in.

He still does the weird thing of slightly shielding his laptop screen if I'm too close for comfort. What is he hiding?

A few specific 180s so far today :

- I saw him weigh himself but didn't ask anything (I could tell he'd gained weight at my father's)
- I haven't done the usual, "Are we on for The Good Wife tonight?" I'd like him to hear himself initiate. If he doesn't suggest we resume watching it tonight, it gives me some more time to browse on this board!
- I didn't ask him what it was like to go back to the gym after a break (I usually would)
- I got S13 up (instead of waking H up to tell him it was his turn to be 'on duty')
- I didn't call down the stairs with bits of info while he was in his study. He's never said anything directly but I think I've heard him mutter something along the lines of 'God, what does she want now?' once when I called down. Generally, I think I keep him more informed of domestic trivia than he wants. It's sort of my way of telling him how busy I am with house/kids admin. I don't think he has a clue ab everything I do to keep our lives running smoothly

Thank you again for great feedback.