Here we go again...

[someguy1233]

There's definitely still a very odd vibe surrounding our relationship.

Last night W made comment asking if it was weird that she was cuddling me last night. I said, "No- I welcome it."

She still avoids physical contact for the most part.

After S went to bed she brought up Retrovaille. She wanted to see the info. I showed it to her and she still said she'd go. She said it will be hard to be away from son that long but she understands it's important.

Last night she didn't say "I love you" before bed. There was no touching as we fell asleep.

I don't know if it's because she still needs space or what. Last time we had troubles and she wanted to reconcile I remember her saying, "don't you love me? You don't say it and you don't touch me." she thought maybe I was still dealing with the issues so she didn't want to instigate despite the fact that she was the one unsure of M.

She still keeps her phone upside down most of the time.

She did lean in for a hug after S went to bed. She walked up and laid her head onmy shoulder with her arms at her sides. I didn't really respond for a second and she asked me if I was going to hug her, which I did.

I don't know if I should instigate contact at this point. Remembering that just a week ago I told her I didn't want to kiss her, she could be keeping her distance. Or maybe she's keeping her own distance because she has her own feelings to deal with. Maybe I should just keep doing what I'm doing because I don't want to seem like I'm pressuring her. Thoughts?

[someguy1233]

People here also mention how easy it is to overlook the baby steps. I guess I'm guilty of this as well.

I just realized something that happened yesterday.
I picked her up from work and we got stuck in horrible traffic. We were at risk of not being able to pickup S from daycare before they close.

W asked if I wanted to call my mom to see if she could pick up S and possibly make us dinner.

Just last week W made a comment that she didn't want to see my family because it would be to awkward since they knew we were having problems.

This seems to be small change in W's thoughts.

[someguy1233]

It was another awkward evening last night. There continues to be a large void between W and I.

She still makes the occasional comment about the future if she were to stay home with S. However, there has yet to be a conversation about our relationship. There hasn’t been a kiss, hug, etc. She seems to have these walls about her. She hasn’t put her ring back on.

I still don’t know if she’s avoiding physical contact because she thinks I’m not welcome to it, or if it’s her own problems she’s dealing with. It was really hard last night… I wanted to give her a hug so badly.

Last night in bed (she is still sleeping in the same bed…) I decided to try to be playful. I touched her feet with my cold toes. She laughed and said it didn't work because hers were cold too as she put her cold toes on my leg. She then left her feet touching mine. Even as she shifted positions she’d bring her feet back to touch mine. I miss her.

I feel like I’m stuck between DB and reconciling. I guess that means we’re not at reconciling yet, huh? Yesterday she helped find daycare for part of the Retrouvaille weekend. Maybe I should take it as a good sign that she’s actively trying to make sure we can go?

She did ask what I wanted to do for my birthday this weekend. We plan to go to a local bar that we used to hang out at years ago.

[someguy1233]

Friday night W brought up relationship talk after I got S to bed.

She said her mom asked her how things were going. She told her we haven’t killed each other and that we're in a holding pattern with her job and stuff. She said we’re not really working on anything related to our relationship. I struggle with this because how can we be in a holding pattern if she thinks she may quit working and stay home??? This is a HUGE financial and lifestyle change.

She also told her mom that I’ve been a “saint” for not pressuring her to make a decision. She said she’s still not ready to make a decision. She said she’s also not in a hurry to make a decision. She’s “not rushing off to find another guy and have a kid.” Maybe I should see this as progress? Two weeks ago she said her “end goal” hadn’t changed and that she didn’t want to be together. Now she said she needs to decide.

She asked if I’d always thought that we were going to work things out. I told her I hadn’t put a lot of thought into it and that I’d been spending my time working on myself.

She again brought up her complaints with our daily commute. I told her I was open to moving depending on where WE are in our relationship.

She said she doesn't feel we're back to normal. I agreed. She said we're missing something and she doesn't know how to articulate what it is. She said she hopes we can figure it out. She said, “I like you.”

She said she no longer feels panicked. She also said she doesn’t feel like drinking every night… that’s why she’s been home more. She also said she doesn’t feel like she has to move out anymore.

Twice she sat down close to me on the couch and snuggled in while talking.

Saturday we went out to a bar we used to hang out at years ago. It was in celebration of my birthday. She put on her wedding ring because she “didn’t want to look like my mistress.” (She hasn’t worn it since we got home) We had a pretty good time. She said, “it’s weird to be on date with your estranged husband.” She wouldn't really elaborate on what weird meant. When we got home she sat on my lap and said “happy birthday (nickname). I love you.” She gave me a kiss on the cheek..

Yesterday she went out with friends for about 4-5 hours. She came home and gave me a big hug. She said, “you’re the only person capable of giving a hug with no emotion.” I guess I was receiving her hug, but really wasn’t giving it back. I didn’t really feel like it, but I gave her a better hug back anyway. She didn’t make any comments about WHY she was hugging.

She updated our November calendar at home. She did put Retrouvaille on there for next weekend, so I guess she’s still planning to go.

I honestly don’t know what to do or how to act. I could really use some advice. Do I continue with the DB tactics since she’s still unsure about or future? How does DB’ing combine with whatever is taught in Retrouvaille?

[someguy1233]

This is really turning into a difficult day. The anxiety caused by this all is worse than normal. I can't seem to get my mind off W for more than 2 minutes. Ugh.