All of our marriages were good marriages, but none were 100% perfect. We all make mistakes, but those mistakes could have been fixed and lessons learned...the WAS/MLCer harbors resentment and stuffs it down until everything clashes together and then comes out spewing. Don't take on ownership of his issues...they are his and his only to own.
Sweetbriar, I'm glad to see everything went okay at the lawyer's office. Of course, they want to settle out of court...it's quicker, easier and yes, less money spent on fees. Make sure you are getting what you need for you and your children to survive and make sure that the unborn child is mentioned in the decree for child support as well.
He is like a child when you tell them no, they will still test your boundaries and do it. He is manipulating your child into getting his way. He knows that the way to get to you is through your children.
As for him coming back and staying one night a week...I don't think so. He is telling your child these things so that they will get back to you. He's trying to make you react and start communicating again w/him in a heated manner. Whatever you do, count to ten and do not contact him. Stay NC. It is better for you mentally and emotionally right now.
You made it through Halloween. Today is a new day and it's time to start thinking about you and what you need to get through the next few months until the baby is born.
Just remember...you didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him. Do not drink the Koolaid he is trying to sell you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think Im just having a hard time thinking that if I give him all this space, he has all this freedom, he gets to see his kids, and he has OW, why would he ever consider coming back to me. He has it all...everything he wants..why would he even consider me?
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Sweetbriar, You have to have faith. There is a very good reason that God has put him on this particular path. He was broken inside and he needs emotional repair.
I know that this is very difficult, but you have to turn the focus back on to you and your children. There's nothing you can do for him except let him go to find himself. It's important that you children have your full attention as they need help in understanding that what their father is doing has absolutely nothing to do w/them or you. It's his problem, no matter what he tells them or you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think Im just having a hard time thinking that if I give him all this space, he has all this freedom, he gets to see his kids, and he has OW, why would he ever consider coming back to me. He has it all...everything he wants..why would he even consider me?
The WAS is rarely if ever happy. They may seem happy on the outside, but inside they're confused, in turmoil and likely feeling really guilty about what they're putting their family through.
If the LBS is constantly pressuring them to come home and/ or make a decision about the M, then it validates in their mind their reason for leaving (they see the LBS as controlling and manipulative). But if given time and space, the pressure is removed and they start seeing the LBS differently.
The WAS also views the LBS as the reason for every single problem in their life. They're convinced that if they can leave, their life will be one of unbelievable tranquility, happiness and pleasure. But once they do leave, if the LBS gives them time and space they will come to discover that all those old problems are still there even though the LBS isn't. And eventually they'll figure out that all the demons they assumed were visited upon them by the LBS are actually within THEMSELVES. Then they start to remember the LBS differently, they start remembering there were GOOD times in the M, not just bad. They start to realize the problems they have to fix are internal rather than external. And they start to miss the LBS that they thought they hated.
That's why he would consider coming back to you. There are no guarantees, but time and space give you much higher chances of reconciliation then pressure and deadlines.
Anotherstander...Im going to print this ^^^^^^ out and read it everyday! I want to give up hope so quickly because of how mean and nasty he is and how gosh darn adament he is that he is DONE! I will read this to remind myself that he isnt as happy as I perceive him and that I need to move on for myself and my kids. I think that has been one of the hardest things...thinking of how happy he must be now without me in his life. He has almost had me convinced many times that maybe I WAS the reason for all his problems. I have come up with things I could have changed and I know that is good, but I cannot change him. One of his many texts was to me: "we both resent each other so much now that a R is not even possible".
I also wonder that if his pride would ultimately get in the way of R if he ever did want to reconsider coming home. He is very worried about what others think of him. He made a comment that he was uncomfortable at our D's school last week for a function and that everyone was looking at him. What he doesn't realize is that one a few of those people even know we are S.
I went to IC today and he basically said, "your marriage is over, and you need move on". He said from everything I have told him and how H is acting, that he had moved on with his life and I need to move on with mine and be there for my kids and unborn baby. I told him how scared I was, and that this was all I ever knew was H and I and he spent some time telling me things I could do to help myself. Funny thing is....I do a lot of those things already...
Is is normal to feel so lonely, even when your surrounded by so many friends and family?
IC thinks that maybe I just re-traumatized myself when I did the drive by and actually SAW H walking up to her house. IC said he thought that I was making progress in the past few weeks of handling myself well and keeping my distance from H. Now, Im back to the beginning and H hates me even more. I must admit..I also cannot get out of my mind the "you are fu*king ugly" comment spewed at me right in my face...very, very hurtful:(
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
That is a hurtful comment. I agree with you. There is nothing we can say, not even H, to make the feeling from that comment go away.
Your H is not your H. He's been possessed by this other man. The best thing you can do is stay away. He may throw another ugly comment at you if you're too close in range.
AS gave you great advice.
For what it's worth, your looks (and i'm positive you are NOT ugly) are not why he strayed. Put that all aside and work on your self esteem. Does your IC practice Behavioral Cognitive Therapy?
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
AnotherStander has it exactly right. He is not happy, he does not have all he wants. He is tortured. He is putting on an act for you -- don't believe it.
Originally Posted By: Sweetbriar
I think Im just having a hard time thinking that if I give him all this space, he has all this freedom, he gets to see his kids, and he has OW, why would he ever consider coming back to me. He has it all...everything he wants..why would he even consider me?
I hope what you took from Labug's question is that you need to look at this differently. He is going to take the space whether you give it to him or not. If you make it harder for him to have this "freedom" he wants, he will resent you for it and fight you even harder.
You have three options here:
(1) Threaten and play hard ball: Be really nasty, make threats, shame him, set deadlines, try to make his life as hard as you can. Punish him at every turn. What kind of reconciliation do you think that will lead to? How will he feel about you?
(2) Pursue him: Beg, plead, buy him gifts, be extra nice to him, tell him anything you think he wants to hear. Demonstrate your love every way you can think to do so. This *never* works, because by the time they move out, it is far beyond too late. I challenge you to find one instance here or elsewhere where pursuing a walkaway spouse lead to reconciliation. Ironically, this is what *everyone* first tries to do -- it's a natural place to go. You assume this person loves you and that they're just mad so you just need to go overboard to mend fences. It doesn't work.
(3) Give him space: Lovingly detach, do not shame or blame. Forgive him and feel badly for the fact that he is in crisis. Let him pursue his path and you live your life. Work on being the best person you can be. Check items off your bucket list. Do what makes you feel good. Make new friends, engage in fun activities, pick up a new hobby. "Act as if" you are happy.
Those are your options. The first two have a zero percent chance of success. The third works sometimes -- but is the most effective if you have *truly* dropped the rope. They seem to come back the most frequently when you no longer care.
I've used this analogy before -- pretend there is a line painted on the ground and you are each standing on one side of it next to each other. That is the baseline of your marriage when you were both in it together. Now your H has moved away and wants 20 feet of space between the two of you, so he moves 20 feet away from the line. If you chase him and stand next to him again, he now runs another 20 feet away from you. He now has 40 feet to come back to be with you again instead of just 20. If you chase him again, now there is 60 feet! If you keep chasing, it CAN become a problem that the distance is too great to reclaim.
Now instead, if your H moved 20 feet away, and you move 10 feet in the other direction away from your baseline, now there are 30 feet between you. That makes it safe for him to move 10 feet back toward you while preserving his 20 foot distance. Now there are only 10 feet to reclaim to get to the baseline. That's what we mean when we say to detach "lovingly" and to keep the road home paved smooth. Move in the OPPOSITE direction and make it safe for him to approach you. That doesn't mean you should be cold or stand-offish. You should be pleasant and disinterested. Apply a "friendly co-worker standard" -- treat him as you would someone from work who you don't know that well. Offer the same courtesy, but hold back your intimacy as you would in that situation.
In my sitch, my W came back too soon. She was not done grieving OM, and was mainly there because it was the path of least resistance. That made reconciling very challenging, because she wasn't really invested. Initially I was so relieved that she said she wanted to reconcile that I was tempted to rush in. It took me several months to realize that nothing would get better unless I gave her space and went the other way -- it was too early to "work on the marriage", I still had to give space. If I had not done that, I have no doubt she would have left again. Space is key, even if it does not bring him back, it takes you forward.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
