I Cheated. She's Pissed!

[keep_going]

Jeffodie -

It's good to see you back. I want to commend you for doing so. It takes a lot of courage to accept when we have messed up and it takes a lot of strength to decide to put in the hard work to change and become the best we can be.

It sounds like you have a plan of action with the reading, counseling and celibacy. Good for you! It's never easy, but you will see the rewards - if your M cannot be saved, then you will save yourself, be happy and someday in the future share that with someone else.

We are all human and we all mess up. Come back and post if it helps you stay focused and see things clearly. Also come back and read others' situations. The beauty of being here is seeing a lot of people who are using their pain and hardship to turn things around.

BTW, if you want more traffic, you can post in Newcomers. That's definitely where most people post.

Keep up the good work!

[focusing-on-me]

Thanks for the encouragement. I've been working with DB coach JoAnne and she's been real solid and a big help!

[25yearsmlc]

Hey I don't want to come across as mean or judgemental either, but your take on things wavers at times. I have some challenging questions to pose that I think/hope will prepare you for the hardest questions your w may have for you

Plus now and then you lose sight of how you got here but want to spend time on "knowing why" instead of learning how NOT TO. There's a difference.

Keep-Going, I soooo appreciate your words. You have hit the nail on the head , BAM. I need to figure out WHY I felt he need to cheat, again. I have sought out a lot of counseling on this. I'm still working on it.


Is it possible, just possible, that the "reason" is irrelevant? Just do what it takes to stop it.

I say that b/c This is a solution based site, not a "how did my childhood cause it" or a rehashing of the past. Truly - I don't mean to sound snotty at all.

It's just that A LOT OF TIME IS WASTED on re-hashing the past and on a bunch of explanations that alone, achieve NOTHING...the quest is to DO DIFFERENT behaviors so you get different results. I spent way too much time trying to understand WHY my h was doing what he was doing (or what he was doing). And in the end it does not matter WHY...

who cares? Is there a "good" reason? I submit that No there's not.

DB101 is "do more of what helps the m, and less/none of what hurts it."

After 31 years of marriage and many struggles, I can say that I have had many chances at affairs and I have been tempted. I work in a male dominated field and my h is gone a lot. At one point he was for some time very busy AND grumpy when home. Yes I was damn neglected AND was raising our kids on my own pretty much.

But still, I don't "get" having multiple affairs (requires such long term deceit) and then wondering why your 2nd marriage is troubled

OR why she'd have doubts. It's reasonable to expect.

You sabotaged both relationships for some reason. (If I were a shrink I'd ask if you love your mom,seriously I would)

Did you cheat AFTER she said she wanted another child...is that accurate?

Did it never occur to you that most women THAT AGE are in a different place than you are, and they DO/WILL want children?

Hey, Not to be snarky but surely the topic came up frequently, and is it your recall that you "both" agreed to only one child?

Sorry but I have to ask this--

Did YOU ever think of letting her go b/c you loved her enough - not to deny her motherhood, or a family with more than one child?

Also you mention "HER M.O." and I think it's your modus operandi that is at issue isn't it? I mean you're the one with the pattern.

Or has your present w had other affairs with married men? I'm not asking to be bitchy, but to know if this is a pattern for her too. You say it was a pattern in your first marriage and you imply that your first wife had multiple affairs.

Is that something that happened after your wife discovered your affairS?


I am currently in a self imposed celibacy run. No sex for 3 months now. That a RECORD for me!

Oh okay.

Don't take this the wrong way. My h has been deployed in his Army Reserve Unit, to the Middle East for months now. So I've been celibate for months now too.

This is a RECORD for me!! (Just curious, How does that comment strike you?)


I love being married and I love being n a committed relationship, but it will never work if I keep derailing it by cheating.


Correct-it derails it. But Why do you love being married? What do you mean you love being in a committed relationship? I'm asking for real. What is good about it for you?

if both your marriages had affairs in them initiated by you, then what do you think about your choices to sabotage them both?


I have to figure out why I make the poor snap decision to cheat. I'm currently listening to a Alan Stanly DVD called "Guardrails."

Not sure how snap a decision these are but hey, what about choosing NOT to cheat" even if you want to"??


Also I noticed your concern about money and your wife's request for a $500 monthly increase which is 1/6 more than agreed to (before she knew of the affair.)

I don't know what your income is, or hers, but I don't think this is about her punishing you for cheating, OR at least not primarily.

I think she wants what all wives want; security; financial, physical & sexual.

And if you have taken away her sexual security, then she has financial worries too (b/c she'll be on her own without you and with a child to raise alone,

then I can understand the financial concerns.

PLUS she may think you'd be more likely to stay faithful if you have to pay more for cheating.

Maybe learning about why we do something is super important but I know tht
It's rare that we willingly say "Yes, I WILL RISK IT ALL for this meaningless feel good moment"...b/c we all rationalize what we do.

We believe, if only for that moment, that we are "right" to do what we are doing...or right enough not to stop "this time."

Usually we feel lonely or neglected and then we get tempted, and in that moment we justify acting on the temptation.

Often we blame the person we cheated on for "making" us cheat or for
"Not meeting our needs" so of course we cheat..."anyone in our shoes would have"... and that's why you'll see so much anger coming FROM the WAS so often, which is ironic.


I'm sorry b/c I think my point is that if I were your w, I would not wait around while you figure out WHY you hurt me. I'd just want to Know you won't do it again.

That takes time and consistent change on YOUR end.

And if I wanted another child I would probably feel even more conflicted.

On one hand, I'd want to have another child asap while I had a h around AND I'd probably feel a bit entitled b/c of the affair...

OTOH, given the history/pattern, I'd certainly fear another affair and having TWO kids to raise alone. That would increase my fears of reconciling.

When you say she's "too focussed" on the baby, which you seem to recognize as an excuse, why won't you use her "mommy focus" as your excuse for feeling neglected and cheating on her again?

Surely denying her a second child will be a huge loss to her and will probably create resentment...AND if you do have a 2nd child, you can use her mommy focus as a reason for cheating.

Yikes...You both have some work to do.

But you only control you. And she's not posting here to save the marriage; you are.

And if you do have a 2nd child, you will have to stop needing to travel NOW and get all of her attention.

For most of us, a 2nd child means DELAYING some things Like travel...but travel does happen again and Europe and the islands will still be there. Is it your mortality that is edging up on you?

Regardless, if you don't want to grow old, alone, then

Just don't cheat as your solution. It hurts the mother of your children, and you are hurting too.

Seems as if it's SO not worth it.

[focusing-on-me]

25yearsmic... To start, I have say THANK YOU THANK YOU for truly taking the time to take the time and impart such an incredible amount of soul searching question / comments for me to ponder. My god, thank you. That is why i love this website. You, like so many others here, are not about judging or being snotty. You are SOLUTIONS based! IOW, what is the solution to my behavior. Trust me, I have read and reread your post, SLOWLY, as I believe there is such power in the very core of what you are trying to get me (and others in my sitch) to pay attention to. And BTW, everything you have said / asked about my affair, my W too has asked..
"Reasons" to cheat is totally irrelevant! My W does not care "why" I cheated. She wants to KNOW that I will never cheat again! And that will only come with time and my consistent behavior (transparency, communication, affirmation, etc.).
You asked if we both understood the "one child" thing. Yes, we did. Now she is very resentful towards me for that. I cheated on her AFTER she told me that she wanted a second child. She pulled away from me emotionally. This is NO reason to cheat! I get that. I get that we r at diff places n our lives. She wants to move to CA and start over. She told me that since I had kids in my prev M, and experienced numerous holidays w/ them, that she is entitled to have all holidays w/ our son. I can not / will not agree to this. She said, "Well, you should not have cheated on me." To which I apologized to her again about it, bit very respectfully told her that my son deserved to have his dad every other holiday. I am very conflicted about this.
Anyway, I digress. The bottom line for me is to make BETTER decisions in when faced w/ temptations. It's NOT worth it, ever, to cheat. I do not need to try to figure out "why" I cheat (which are BS excuses). I need to decide, and it is a decision, if I want to continue ruining lives by making a decision to cheat! Any partner deserves to KNOW that their spouse will never step out on the relationship, no matter the situation, temptation, or what is going on at home!

[DaddyLongShanks]

25yearsmic... To start, I have say THANK YOU THANK YOU for truly taking the time to take the time and impart such an incredible amount of soul searching question / comments for me to ponder. My god, thank you. That is why i love this website. You, like so many others here, are not about judging or being snotty. You are SOLUTIONS based! IOW, what is the solution to my behavior. Trust me, I have read and reread your post, SLOWLY, as I believe there is such power in the very core of what you are trying to get me (and others in my sitch) to pay attention to. And BTW, everything you have said / asked about my affair, my W too has asked..
"Reasons" to cheat is totally irrelevant! My W does not care "why" I cheated. She wants to KNOW that I will never cheat again! And that will only come with time and my consistent behavior (transparency, communication, affirmation, etc.).
You asked if we both understood the "one child" thing. Yes, we did. Now she is very resentful towards me for that. I cheated on her AFTER she told me that she wanted a second child. She pulled away from me emotionally. This is NO reason to cheat! I get that. I get that we r at diff places n our lives. She wants to move to CA and start over. She told me that since I had kids in my prev M, and experienced numerous holidays w/ them, that she is entitled to have all holidays w/ our son. I can not / will not agree to this. She said, "Well, you should not have cheated on me." To which I apologized to her again about it, bit very respectfully told her that my son deserved to have his dad every other holiday. I am very conflicted about this.
Anyway, I digress. The bottom line for me is to make BETTER decisions in when faced w/ temptations. It's NOT worth it, ever, to cheat. I do not need to try to figure out "why" I cheat (which are BS excuses). I need to decide, and it is a decision, if I want to continue ruining lives by making a decision to cheat! Any partner deserves to KNOW that their spouse will never step out on the relationship, no matter the situation, temptation, or what is going on at home!

I see a 16 years age gap. Has this any effect on the relation at all? What about socialization?

When you know you have it good oyu won't be tempted.

[focusing-on-me]

The age gap has not affected our socialization. She is not a big socializer nor am I. We both prefer staying at home and just taking it easy. When I am on the road, my entire energy is devoted to getting back home as soon as possible. We both love being "settled" and living a settled life (something I have definetly screwed up)
She has not filed for D nor have I. We both wear our rings still, yet she beleives she will live a btter life in CA, 3,000 miles away from me. She wants enough money per month to "not have to worry about anything" (which means she does not want to work).
So here we are - both frozen as to what to do. If I gave her a big bucket of money she would probably pack and go, but she did lament to me "what if I can't make it on my own in CA, then what would I do." I just listened and validated. I know she is still very hurt and very angry w/ me. I am supposed to be her protector, husband, friend, provider, etc and yet I completely destroyed her trust and faith in me. I have always been faithful to her. I have never strayed from her simply becuase I was not interested in straying from her. Why I did it is competely idiotic. Only after reading so many pearls of wisdom on this board do I see clearly that I made a DECISION in that moment, and it was wrong. Decisions like that are absolutely ruinous, no matter how you try to rationalize it or justify it when the temptation comes knocking.
My time away from her has been very good for me. I hate the loneliness BUT I need to feel the pain I've casued and learn from it going forward, forever.
If we ever get back together, and it's a BIG IF, I am not sure things will ever be completely whole, happy, trusting, etc.
We already had issues BEFORE I stepped out on her. We just weren't addressing them. Those issues are for a whole nuther thread.

[too trusting]

I have always been faithful to her. I have never strayed from her

umm... how does this go with the fact that you cheated on her? (you even mentioned that in the subject line of this thread.) just because it was "only" a one-night stand, you consider yourself as having "always been faithful"? well, news flash! for a lot of women, a one-night stand is just as bad as any other kind of cheating, because it's a matter of principle. it completely overturns her ability to trust you.

the question is - do you want to remain married to your wife?

if so, she basically has two very-reasonable requests.

first of all, she wants some kind of guarantee that you will not cheat again. don't you think she is justified in requesting that, in view of your history and behavior?

and, she wants to have a second child; in fact, she wants to have *your* child. your genes. I would think that would be extremely flattering. but instead you are saying that since *you* already have other kids, you don't care about *her* desire for a child. do you think that is fair to her, to deny her a second child just because you have other kids? it would be like going into a restaurant with her, when you've already eaten and she hasn't, and saying, "let's not order anything because *I've* already eaten."

being married means caring about your spouse's needs. and the desire for a child is one of the most important things to almost every woman. ok, there are a few women who don't care about having kids, but your wife told you how she felt about this before you even got married.

so you need to decide whether she is important enough to you for you to grant her these two requests: to allow her to have a second child without divorcing you, and to find a way to guarantee that you won't cheat again. it's up to you.

[focusing-on-me]

too trusting, thank u for your very valid inputs. I meant to qualify my previous statement by saying "I've never strayed from her, UNTIL that one time." Believe me, I know I can never say that "I've never strayed from her." I mean, this whole thread is about the fact that I did stray.
My question is this. How can I guarantee to her that I will never do it again? I know in my heart that I won't. I know exactly why I did it, and the conditions that set the whole dynamics up will NEVER happen again, yet how do I convince her that I will NEVER do it again? My words are crap to her. The only thing I have left are my actions. I am not out bar-hopping, looking to date, or trying to pick anyone up. I'm absolutely not interested in anyone but her. Even sexually, I could not "perform" as a man during my little one night stand bc of the guilt of being there. Regardless, I was "there" and it was a cheating act, period.
Now, about the second child. There are two schools of thought of being selfish. She was very adamant to me from the very beginning that all she wanted was just one child, that's it. All she asked is that I love and support it when he/she comes along. I have done that much much more. I spend every waking moment that I can with my son. He is an absolute JOY and I cherish my time with him (feeding, bath time, play time, lunch / dinner etc). My w does not have an issue at all w my role as father. I make life very easy for our family. Money is no object, our maid that does ALL cleaning and ALL laundry. W does not need to work for $, but she does work when she's w/ our little boy. She only cooked dinner for me/us an average of twice a per week (sometimes more sometimes less as I travel) grocery shops when she wants.
Because life is good, she started weighing in on me for a second child. I asked if it might affect our relationship if we only had one, she looked me square in the face and said, "I don't know." She has emotionally pulled away from me ever since, and really even before.
Somebody who knows my sitch put it to me this way, He said that I married "a trophy wife" and she married "a trophy wallet." Sadly I really love her, but looking back I see how emotionally distant she's been from me. There' was nothing I could do or can do to change that, and having a second child would only put me further down the rabbit hole to a wife who loves me as a provider and father, but who "likes" me as a husband. I guess I'm clinging on the hope that she might love me for who I am, and not for what I provide. Now that I strayed, what love she had for me is gone. She gave me the ILYBNILWY speech shortly after I cheated. Heck, she didn't have to tell me, I knew that during our marriage. My problem is, I'm still IN love with her. I shake my head ruefully.

[Soul.Searching]

"Reasons" to cheat is totally irrelevant! My W does not care "why" I cheated. She wants to KNOW that I will never cheat again! I do not need to try to figure out "why" I cheat (which are BS excuses).

I'm sorry but I disagree, You need to work on you. There is no good reason ever to cheat but you need to look at the "excuses" you created in your mind to justify cheating.
If you don't look at the things that contributed to you cheating in the past, then I don't think you will be able to not do it again.
You can't just push things under the rug and think that they won't creep back out.

[too trusting]

How can I guarantee to her that I will never do it again? I know in my heart that I won't. I know exactly why I did it, and the conditions that set the whole dynamics up will NEVER happen again, yet how do I convince her that I will NEVER do it again? My words are crap to her. The only thing I have left are my actions. I am not out bar-hopping, looking to date, or trying to pick anyone up. I'm absolutely not interested in anyone but her.

how to guarantee it?
1) by eliminating the conditions that led to the incident - and you say you are doing this. that is important.
2) transparency
3) showing her that you care enough about her to not do it again
4) also, see "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass, regarding "walls and windows".

Now, about the second child. There are two schools of thought of being selfish. She was very adamant to me from the very beginning that all she wanted was just one child, that's it. All she asked is that I love and support it when he/she comes along. I have done that much much more. I spend every waking moment that I can with my son. He is an absolute JOY and I cherish my time with him (feeding, bath time, play time, lunch / dinner etc).

so before your son was born, when he was just an abstract theory, you weren't really in favor of having a child. but now that you have your wonderful son, can you imagine life without him? for your wife also, before your son was born, "having a child" was just a theoretical possibility, but now that she sees how wonderful your son is - this special human being that was created by combination of YOUR and her genes - she wants another one. I don't see where the problem is.

our maid that does ALL cleaning and ALL laundry. W does not need to work for $, but she does work when she's w/ our little boy. She only cooked dinner for me/us an average of twice a per week (sometimes more sometimes less as I travel) grocery shops when she wants.

taking care of a toddler is a lot of work and you shouldn't look down on it. especially when the husband/father is away a lot. cleaning and laundry is only a small part of running a home. so it is good that you provide paid help in doing this, but don't think that your wife is "not working" as a result. being a full time mom is a full time job, even if someone else sweeps the floor!

Because life is good, she started weighing in on me for a second child. I asked if it might affect our relationship if we only had one, she looked me square in the face and said, "I don't know." She has emotionally pulled away from me ever since, and really even before.

just "because life is good"? how about because she saw how wonderful your son is? and when she gave you this compliment that she wants another child with your genes, you rejected her. and you even *ask* if this rejection of her and her natural desire would affect your relationship? you wonder why she has "emotionally pulled away" from you after you rejected her and her natural desire like this?

Somebody who knows my sitch put it to me this way, He said that I married "a trophy wife" and she married "a trophy wallet."

what a mean thing to say!!!! I don't believe it at all. the problem is that *you* believe it. *that* is what is coming between you and your wife.

Sadly I really love her, but looking back I see how emotionally distant she's been from me. There' was nothing I could do or can do to change that, and having a second child would only put me further down the rabbit hole to a wife who loves me as a provider and father, but who "likes" me as a husband.

what about the emotional distance that *you* have created by rejecting her and her natural desire for another wonderful child with your genes?

I guess I'm clinging on the hope that she might love me for who I am, and not for what I provide.

she wants another child with your genes and you ask if she "might" love you for who you are???

Now that I strayed, what love she had for me is gone. She gave me the ILYBNILWY speech shortly after I cheated. Heck, she didn't have to tell me, I knew that during our marriage.

so you need to work on *you* and show her that the cheating was a one-time incident that will never happen again.

My problem is, I'm still IN love with her. I shake my head ruefully.

you're say you're "in love" with her but refuse to give her the one thing that she wants more than anything in the world - another wonderful child with your genes.

still, I agree that first you have to win her back before conceiving another child, so that child will have two loving parents who are married to each other. what 180's can you do to show her that you care about her and what she wants, that you don't just consider her a "trophy wife", and don't think that she considers you a "trophy wallet"?