Just a quick quip from purgatory

[AJM]

I told her that I'm not backhanded or malicious and I'm not evil.

I read this a second time. I read it from bottom up as well. I can't get it out of my head that there are two things you have to get through right now. I suggest you pick one: 1) your fear of being without her and 2) your desire to argue your point with her. To be "right"

I'm so angry about the whole exchange because she's getting comfort/advise from the OM. I'm not doing anything, I'm not bothering my W at all unless it's absolutely impossible not too. So I figure the only experience she has to draw on is her past failed relationship(s) and the OM's ExW who is dead set on making his life miserable and uses her kids as fuel against him. I hate him even more for that too.

Ok, just how much time are you spending watching her?!? You know wayyyyy too much. And much less than you think you do.

My W had sent me a text telling me she didn't think I was evil, that she just gets tired of the things I say to S12 and that it seems like it always makes her look bad. She stressed her desire that we can be friends.

and at this point in time, you want...? What is your idea of "friends" and what is her idea I wonder?

I told her that even if she doesn't realize it, she's very accusational or curt towards me most all of the time and that it wears me down sometimes more than others. That sometimes it feels like she comes at me for being someone she's never known me to be and it leaves me wondering what it was I just did to cause that.

She replied back that she was sorry, she didn't realize that. She then admitted that it is out of character for me to be spiteful, but thought I was doing that because of the D.

Seriously?! In the very same text she told me she didn't think it was in my character to be spiteful, but thought I was being that way. Ugh! Just because I expect that she won't hear what it is I'm saying, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it's so visible.

I'm so broken right now. I want to know when I'll hit bottom so I can start to break free of all this. Time can be tough.

Um, yes. I see that. And the desire for it to stop. Keep moving my friend. No matter what, improve just a little bit each day if you can. On those days you cannot, realize you gave it your all and do it again tomorrow.


After I had pointed out to her that she's [mean] towards me most of the time, her tone changed. I hate it because I know her very well and she's coming off as trying hard to feel something she has no interest in feeling - concern for me. It's condescending.[/quote]Really? What does she gain from that at this point? Seriously.

I have a very good reason to believe that if I let go of her, there will never be anyone else for me and I'm afraid of that possibility.

I respectfully disagree. But I can see you feel that way. When you get a chance, and if you'd like, why not share that reasoning?

Somewhere along my path I lost my manhood. I'm trying to get it back while maintaining the lessons I've learned since MLC started.

Remind me..you had a MLC episode prior to this starting right? I agree it can feel emasculating to lose part of your soul like this. To be humiliated. To be vulnerable. But it gets better over time. Never soon enough if you ask me, but it does RT.

I'm impressed RT. I truly am. I know it sux to be where you are now. I do. Been there, done that, have the t-shirt. I sometimes go back to visit that dark place even still. Much less than ever before in my life, but sometimes. I truly see progress here. I think when you are done, some sort of Phoenix reference for your name is going to be in order.

Until then, do try to keep what you say around your kids to a minimum about the situation. Perhaps telling him to ask his mother would be more appropriate? Your oldest is not happy. That's obvious. But you'll be long over this period in your life and he'll have the same mother. It's really hard and a fine line, but keep it in mind.

As for the friends, if you're able to, go for it. If not, then don't. But co-parenting is always worth it. For the kids' sake.

Oh, and have you seen the pattern? How you both hurt each other in the same way. How you are both sensitive? How you are both angry? Have you noticed how much you both have in common in this? Kind of like two sides of the same coin? It was very clear to me when you wrote it that you are BOTH going through the same feelings with similar thoughts most likely (I don't know her. I'm just guessing but it seems plausible.) Why is that RT? That's more rare than you might think on these boards.

I know you have spent a lot of time in this situation. Go easy on you and see if you can answer those questions above when you get a chance. If you feel like it. I'm interested to hear.

Peace!

AJ