Secondly, it really does help to try and enjoy yourself in some small way without your H. It puts the focus back on you, that you are not a worthless person, that YOU matter! When others around you seek your company, enjoy your company, it offers confirmation that you are worth knowing and liking and loving and spending time with. Never lose sight of that fact. So enjoy yourself whenever you can, with your friends.
Another suggestion - just ignore any call to your phone if you are not there to take it. What does it matter who called? If someone gets through to you, then fine, if not, and they don't leave a message, let it go. You can't afford to get worked up over every little mystery!
For a long time we used to get faxes calling our number here, as the previous 'owners' of our number must have been some kind of business. In the early days right after bombshell, when I was alone at home, I would get call after call after call, even in the middle of the night, which just had that blasted fax tone ringing... When I was so desperate to hear form my H, this seemed like persecution, but I just had to get a grip.
I suggest from what I have read on your thread now that you give your H some breathing space. If he doesn't ring you, forget it. He might get to the stage of wondering what's up when he doesn't hear from you. If you think that is TOO hard, ration yourself to one call every three days or whatever. SOMETHING Less than you are doing at present will make a difference.
Lastly, whatever happens, I believe your husband, as the present breadwinner, cannot completely cut you off financially, am I right? Especially when you have a son. You need to be firm but courteous over this issue. Maybe get some legal advice on this, without telling H.
Hope this helps a little. I know what you are going through, and can tell you that things do improve with time and patience and working on yourself! Be strong enough to survive with or without him! You are a writer! Get published! Get paid! Get kudos!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Now, if a car is appearing outside your home at late hours, I would suggest leaving the lights out and calling the police. A disposable camera won't get a shot in the dark. A long lens on a SLR camera with the exposure opened up will - and that is expensive if you don't have one.
I would suggest calling and talking to the police about the situation prior to it occurring again, so they don't hear it the first time when you are all upset.
About the phone call and caller ID, I am all for just letting it go. Maybe your H did call - but from another phone at work or another line on the same phone. My H's work phone just grabs an available line, but not always his number.
Just keep DBing - you can do it. Acknowledge your emotions - but keep them in check.
You are strong and you can do this.
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Talked to h for a long time tonight. H is so angry. He says I overreact and that he feels trapped. Says he can't divorce me because I would probably kill myself. Says he doesn't love me...but cares about me. Says it's always something with me and that I can't live without conflict.
I just want everything to stop. I don't want any more conflict. I want h to come home and hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. He says he doesn't know if he is coming home....I have got to stop calling and beeping him at work.
Pray for me. I am really hitting bottom over all of this.
I think that this is a positive - after all if he did not care he would not be angry. But it does seem that it will take a long time to show him that your changes are not temporary but reflect the new you. Continue to DB your heart out. show him that you understand his feelings but that you have also recognized your own problems and have made the changes needed for yourself. With patience (lots of patience - and the new you that you have worked on to become has this patience) you will reach your goal.
You also have confidence in yourself. You listed them earlier in one of your post. You also know that you are an attractive lady that other men notice. After all, you got hit on when you went out with some of your friends.
I would say from what I have seen on your post that you are the person that can do what it takes to be a success story - and I am confident that you have what it takes to reach your goal and one day you will get there.
I remember when I hit rock bottom, I still remember Opt's post, okay this is bad, this is as bad as it gets, from now on we just work and make it better. And through my tears, I knew she was right.
This is going to be hard, but change is hard. This isn't an easy process. He is giving you some great insight into how he is feeling. He feels trapped. Don't you want him to come back because that is what he wants in his heart? I think for this to be the case you need to give him the chance to miss you, the chance to realize what he is giving up. But by calling him and being needy, he isn't getting the chance to remember all the good in you, he is just seeing the needy parts of you.
It seems the first thing you could do is stop calling and beeping him. I know it is hard, I can't tell you how many times I reached for the phone, I wanted to hear his voice. Come on the BB, go into the chat room, they are great places to support your decision. You are at AA, that had to be a hard thing to do, but you did it and are so much better for it.
You have the strength to do this, I can see it in your posts to others, dig deep and find it. Turn this into a story you are writing, pour your heart out on paper when you want to reach out to him. Make yourself strong before you try to make your marriage strong again. As much as we want, we can't reverse the process.
While it will be a huge challenge for you, you do need to stop calling or beeping him. Give him the space he needs.
YOu can keep busy. YOu have an article to write. You have a chapter to write. Bury yourself in those projects and rearranging furniture and whatever else it takes.
Let him come home to find you doing the actions not just talking them. DOn't call him - let him call you - and if he doesn't, then so be it.
If you are strong enough to stay away from alcohol, you are stong enough to DB the right way. If you need more support - go to an extra meeting. Your AA friends are there to support you in all of life's challenges right?
Come on, you can do this!
Your H is supposed to come home on the 27th right? Then I challenge you to not call or beep him until then! ARe you up for that challenge?
Think of Opt - we got her through 3 weeks of not knowing. You can do 5 or 6 days of not communicating!
If you do well, we will collectively award you the "I can stop calling or beeping my H" award!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Here's what I want to email him...I sent you those emails so you could see it is not just spam. Someone is taking my information and putting it into their system. It is another form of harrassment. I was not just randomly chosen to be put into a website like wordofmouth.com....it is a website that people use to talk about each other and it seems to me to harrass each other...as it let me know my info was in there...but won't give me any info without me paying for it...
I called my doc again and he said that obviously stepping down the meds is NOT helping me to stay calm through this. I am taking my meds regularly again. He said I need them. He said now is not the time for me to try and get off meds..with this going on in my life. You see, he believes me that someone is screwing with me.
The reason I get upset and start thinking it is you and that you have a girlfriend...is because you act like you don't care that this is being done to me and you don't act like you believe me. The Psychiatrist said it is perfectly normal for me to think it would be you...as it seems to be....but he knows I don't want to believe that and am trying to believe you..although you don't help matters much with your withdrawal and your anger directed at me. It's time we start fighting this together. That's what he said, too. I've been saying that over and over and don't feel like you are hearing me. He said if you are not behind all of this then you will stop being so mean to me and start to behave like you care....which would help me to stay calmer and not beep, email, and call you so much. He also said if you are behind it...you will continue to act mad at me, accuse me of making mountains out of mole hills, and keep exhibiting behaviour that makes you look guilty and makes you look like you are trying to hurt me. So, what is it going to be, Paul? Are you going to start acting like you care...or are you guilty? I don't know.....you say you are not guilty...but you ACT guilty. So, please stop it if you aren't guilty. The shrink knows what he is talking about...I believe that for sure. He's studied human behaviour for years. He said often times men who are cheating are mean to their wives out of a combined sense of anger and guilty...and that they lie about cheating, but get angry that wives' suspect. They want it to be secret so they can have their cake and eat it, too....keep their homes and their belongings, but have a girl friend on the side. Anyway, if you have a girl friend and she is doing this to me...tell her to stop. Tell her to leave me alone. Why do you want to go through all of this conflict? Do you enjoy it?
If you don't...then try to be nicer to me. Try to act like you care about what I am going through. Try to behave like a husband who loves his wife. I know you are still angry...but you could make an effort, just as I am trying to make an effort....if we both did ....it would be much more reassuring for me.
If you want me to go to the hospital for a week or so, I will go....to get the meds back up to speed...or corrected or whatever. You have got to watch S for me though....I can't do anything to really help myself right now because I have to be here for him.. although I am not all the great for him right now...at least I am here and he's getting fed every night...sometimes just barely...but he says I am not crazy and that someone is doing this stuff to me, too...and he's been here to see it.
I want this all to stop. I can't work. I can't think. I am getting depressed to the point of just wanting to try sleeping all day to not have to deal with what's going on around me.
I need you to come home and help me with this. If you could tell me you were going to do that...everything would be much easier for me to get through. I could believe that you cared enough to help me. You said that you cared...so please start to act like you care.
You want me to be stronger and to think for myself. Well, I am trying. But when I think about what I need to be stronger...it is support from you....not you fixing things, but you caring about me. I would like some HELP....not you taking over and doing everything and controlling everything, but some help figuring out what to do....I would like to work on this together as a married couple. Which means you need to pitch in and help, too.
I love you and want this to work...I want the conflict to end. Your wife.
Any thoughts? Any editing? Any help? I think if I email him one last time...I could stop calling...but I need help with the email...
Don't send the email. Just keep them in a journal. Pour out your feelings to make yourself feel better, but don't share that with him.
He will bolt. You are smothering him with all of that. If you want any possibility of him coming home, make it because he wants to, not because he sees you as desperate.
Come on, pick up your DR book and reread the first part now. Then the rest later.
YOu can do it. Follow the advice that you have given many of us - don't do the contrary.
Come on - stay strong.
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
