My story - help please

[theUF]

Chatterbug : I've stayed pretty much cool, calm, and collected. Today I was cool and calm, but didn't manage to stay completely collected. Oh well.

AnotherStander : Wow, that's quite the schedule I'm happy to hear you're in a place where you are ok with the present. It should be a good place to be. And I guess you're right, there's no real rush. If I come to a point where I can't have contact I can always tell her then.

Baaaah,
Today was a huge mess.

She invted me over to go trick-or-treat with her and S. We laughed and things went off to a good start. I was ready to go outside and went over to ask if she was ready. She was on the computer, I figured doing something with photos of the costumes or something as she didn't hide what she was doing. Turns out she is talking with the "possible OM".

I didn't read, I just looked away when I saw what she was doing. I didn't react, but considered what to do. I ended up waiting til we were alone and told her that although she is free to talk to whoever she wants, I felt she could choose not to talk to "OM" when she invites me over.

Like I feared she just frowned in a "I knew it was coming"kind of way. Before I would have reacted to this. I didn't. I had said what I needed to say, if she chooses to disrespect me like that again I will leave(for the day).

So we went out trick or treating and had a realively good time. Still felt it gnawing, but managed to let it go.

Then :

She brought up the meeting which will be a week from now, so I used the chance to tell her I really wanted more time with son than we talked about first. She was a bit confused and then went completely offensive/defensive. Crying and walking away. I caught up to her and told her to calm down. She was completely distant, and then startet talking about how I had to choose my battles and she would never agree and would fight me. I told her we would talk before I left.

I was a bit put out by her reaction. I mean, I was just throwing it out there! Retrospectively though, she might have thought this was my reaction to her texting OM. That I wanted to punish her or "take S from her". This was not the case at all.

We had a talk before I left. I'm glad we did. I explained how I would never use S as a weapon and I would always put him before my own anger/sadness/bitterness. That I truly wanted us to be able to communicate. That I wanted to meet her in the middle, and that I really didn't want to fight her in this. I told her that neither of us know what lies in the future, so we need to have something on black and white.

She explained her thoughts and feelings, how she felt she had nothing but S. How everything was chit. She felt I was never around before we broke up, but NOW I suddenly want to have S all the time. She felt she was letting me have S all the time and didn't ask for a lot of money. She was giving, but what was I giving?

I told her I understood and I realised I had been not been around as much as I should. That I had been stupid, and got burned for my mistakes.

We both cried a bit, and she had a couple of long sad stares. Like she wanted some reaction or wanted to say something.

I don't know what to say about the conversation, but it felt really good to vent to each other and to see some real feelings.