Still together but trying to save this

[PeteWyo]

Denver thanks for the feedback, I will read again respond tonight. More urgently, I have a birthday coming up and my W text me and asked me if I was doing anything exciting this weekend for it. I can't think of a nonchalant way to respond to that. Any suggestions?

[MrBond]

Don't respond. At some point you're going to have to stop responding to everything she says so she starts wondering about you.

[PeteWyo]

Why don't they want to try guys? Because they have no incentive to. You have to create a sense that they could lose you if they don't try.

I agree, but isn't she already willing to lose me. I mean, she walked out and wants a divorce, so doesn't that inherently mean that she already knows she is going to lose me?

[Denver_2010]

Why don't they want to try guys? Because they have no incentive to. You have to create a sense that they could lose you if they don't try.

I agree, but isn't she already willing to lose me. I mean, she walked out and wants a divorce, so doesn't that inherently mean that she already knows she is going to lose me?

Her mind has her convinced that she is willing to lose you.

Think about how you feel in the early stages of a R... the heart flutters, you're googly eyed... no one else matters. Also Google the word "limerence".

Tell me why I think that the above paragraph may be relevant to the post of your's that I am responding to...

[AnotherStander]

Why don't they want to try guys? Because they have no incentive to.

Don't mind us, we're just venting As far as incentives, there's financial security, a loving spouse, kids in a united family, etc. etc. The things that many single women would kill for. They've got all the incentives in the world. But they choose to ignore them. That's what's frustrating.

You have to create a sense that they could lose you if they don't try.

Of course we have to DB, but that doesn't take away the frustration that we shouldn't have to DB in the first place. THAT is what we're griping about

She hadn't been trying, she had been trying to want to try. And she was trying to want to try by waiting around and hoping her feelings would change on their own.

I don't think my W even went that far, all that she was "trying" was to try to justify her reasons for leaving. She even admitted in MC that I had done 180's on every complaint she had about the M. When pressed she couldn't come up with a single reason to leave other than "I don't want to try".

At the end, the MC looked at me and then looked at her kind of confused and said, "(husband) this is not something for you to hold over your wife's head but (wife) this all sounds like very fixable stuff.

As I mentioned above, our C told W that we had all the makings of a great R. I give our C credit, she really did try to work with my W throughout our half dozen sessions. But about all the responses she could get out of W were "I don't know" and "I don't want to try". In the end the C said the only other option she could see was S. That was the first time my wife fully embraced anything the C has to say, she was all over that idea.

A day or two later, I approached her and said, "I know the MC said I couldn't hold this over your head, but I think we should talk about it, can we try and fix this?" My W looked at me genuinely confused and said, "What? She said we would have to want to try?? She was genuinely confused as to why I thought the MC said we could save it.

Wow, that is exactly the kind of thing I went through as well. There were several times that we would discuss something (both in and out of MC) and when I would bring it up again she looked genuinely confused, as if she was hearing it for the first time. One example, at BD I suggested MC and W said no, she was past that point and it would do no good. 4 days later we were talking again and I brought up MC and she said it sounded like a good idea. I said I was surprised after what she said before, and she said "what did I say?" I said "you know, the part where you said you were past that point and it would do no good." She said "I don't remember saying that at all, why would I say that?" Now it was strange enough that she didn't remember saying it, but doubly strange because it is such a shift in thought. IE, how do you go from believing it's a waste of time and then 4 days later thinking it's a good idea, and you don't even remember? By the way I've always had a very good memory, so there's no possibility I misunderstood or remembered it wrong. It was burned into my brain cells! There have been many other, equally perplexing examples. When reading DR I really related to the passages talking about how the WAS is in emotional turmoil and confused. I'm convinced that in my W it's manifesting itself in selective memory or even lost memory.

Ok I'm done venting. It's good to share that experience with someone who would understand. Stay strong as well AS. I will have to read more on your situation and see if I can return the favor and provide some helpful feedback.

Thank you, take your time as my sitch is crawling ever-so-slowly I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, LOL!

[PeteWyo]

Her mind has her convinced that she is willing to lose you.

Think about how you feel in the early stages of a R... the heart flutters, you're googly eyed... no one else matters. Also Google the word "limerence".

Tell me why I think that the above paragraph may be relevant to the post of yours that I am responding to...

I'm not quite clear on what you are asking or which paragraph that you are referring to. I read the wiki on limerence. That certainly sounds like my situation. I get that she is interested in OM because it is new and fresh. I also know that eventually that will wear off. Lastly I realize that I'm not sure I can still be here for her as more time passes and she continues to pursue him. She definitely had the need for reciprocity too. Her folks are divorced, father cheated on the mother. She always told me she hated him for that and hated the OW in her parents marriage for breaking them up. Which is yet another thing on a long list of things that don't make sense to me.

[Denver_2010]

Her mind has her convinced that she is willing to lose you.

Think about how you feel in the early stages of a R... the heart flutters, you're googly eyed... no one else matters. Also Google the word "limerence".

Tell me why I think that the above paragraph may be relevant to the post of yours that I am responding to...

I'm not quite clear on what you are asking or which paragraph that you are referring to. I read the wiki on limerence. That certainly sounds like my situation. I get that she is interested in OM because it is new and fresh. I also know that eventually that will wear off. Lastly I realize that I'm not sure I can still be here for her as more time passes and she continues to pursue him. She definitely had the need for reciprocity too. Her folks are divorced, father cheated on the mother. She always told me she hated him for that and hated the OW in her parents marriage for breaking them up. Which is yet another thing on a long list of things that don't make sense to me.

The point is, is that the mind can play tricks on us. It is often said that the WAW is in a fog and that you have to wait until that fog lifts. There is a reason for that saying. That's my point.

[PeteWyo]

I think that fog has lifted to some extent. I think she is just content with her decision and that's that. And I think I am trying to be a mind reader right now....

[AnotherStander]

I think that fog has lifted to some extent. I think she is just content with her decision and that's that. And I think I am trying to be a mind reader right now....

You're still very early into the process. Just over 2 months since BD and 1 since S. That's not nearly enough time for the fog to have lifted. Hang in there, have patience!

[Denver_2010]

I think that fog has lifted to some extent. I think she is just content with her decision and that's that. And I think I am trying to be a mind reader right now....

You're still very early into the process. Just over 2 months since BD and 1 since S. That's not nearly enough time for the fog to have lifted. Hang in there, have patience!

Yup. This train has just barely left the station.