He told me this. Some other things were simply as I said the revisionist history. At one point I asked how many times have you two been together and split up. He actually said just the one with you.
Now mind you he had divorced her and married someone else and divorced the second woman and then even got back together with the first before I ever met him. When I say got back together, I mean that they apparently were trying to work it out or whatever. I even asked him today, how was I supposed to know that? You would come and stay with me for days and just go home to get clothes. Mind you this was before cell phones really. So he would spend days upon days with me and not really even have an opportunity to talk on the phone and still he claims they had only been split up the one time. It's just sort of amazing.
How could he even think only once? He made it sound like I just busted up their happy home. It's so ridiculous. And yes, I have had anger issues but frankly, I have rarely if ever taken it out on him. That really has just been an issue within the last 6 months or so.
I felt before that he was projecting on me. I still sort of believe that. He keeps going on about the anger and in truth it has been the other way around. So I just don't even know. I know DB'ing is about detaching. I now want to. Really want to. Not out of anger. Not out of spite. I just really don't want anything to do with him right now. That may change but I don't know.
It really infuriates me that he speaks with her more than he bothers to speak with his kids. They said today we haven't hardly seen him in 2 weeks. They did spend last Saturday evening with him here. Otherwise, that's been it. And he hasn't called. Yet if I mention moving or anything he has a coronary. My thoughts are that if it is over there is really no reason for me to stay here in this area. I have no friends, or family here. It is only his family. There is nothing keeping me here except for school. No support in any way. That is a big part of my fears I think in being by myself that so long as I am here I am well and truly on my own. Even if I have a flat tire there is not anyone I could call and that's just scary as hell. So I seriously have considered moving home.
So I am still confused and not sure in this particular moment in time that I even want to proceed or hope for anything with him. It makes me mad as hell and again I know deep down I deserve better. This is twice. How many times do you let someone disrespect and walk out before you say stay out?
This is what I am struggling with today.
As always, thanks guys for listening.
I also deleted his number out of my phone to remove the desire to call or text. I also removed it from my computer (mac&iphone) so now I can't call even if I want to! Bah! I can go through the process of looking it up if I have to because I do not know it. However, it will give me a moment to really consider if I need or want to talk to him.
Help me understand something. The first "bomb" was when he had an A with another woman and now he's having a pseudo EA with the XW? As I've said before, I see a pattern of not being happy with whoever he is with, a pattern of always striving to get whatever it is that he needs but never arriving.
I think my H might be headed that way. I certainly don't want to be the XW he calls in 5-10 years after being married to someone else and even having children with that person!!
Great idea to stop contacting him, and I would explore your idea of moving closer to your family. Now, you've got to be prepared to end your M. Are you really ready? What about not having any contact at all with him (except to let him see the kids) for 2-3 weeks and then see how you feel?
I can't tell you what I would do in your sitch bc I don't know all the details and bc I'm not you. Only you know.
The first bomb he left and moved out of state. He was gone for about 4 months. So things were pretty much back to the way they were before. Just awful. Really. We were both miserable. I had prayed for a resolution to how bad things had gotten. I continue to pray for him. I believe no one has an unchangeable heart. However, it doesn't seem to be doing much good at this point. Except that since I have really started praying I DO feel much better. So if that reason alone it is worth it.
I was going to post an update anyway. As I said,he hung up on me yesterday and I have decided not to contact him. I haven't and really have no desire to. It's a strange feeling. New to me. D12 is home sick today. I was coming back from the Dr. with her when we passed him on the road. He threw his hand up to wave and I didn't. As we were coming up the road I even commented that I bet he wondered who was in the car with me and why I didn't wave. lol A few minutes later he calls my cell. I handed it to D12 so I wouldn't have to speak with him. He talked to her for a minute but essentially wanted to know who all was in the car? Were they all sick? It looked like "the car was full." He did ask her what the dr. said and stuff AFTER he interrogated her. Jerk!
Also, no idea why he was right here by our house unless XW1 lives around here close. I thought he might have been here yesterday after our conversation but no way to be sure. Only reason I say that is my dog had torn the curtains open like he was looking at someone on the porch. Considering I live at the end of a one lane road with no sidewalks generally speaking no one comes here or by here without a specific purpose. It's not exactly a central location. So I think he came by. No way to prove it.
I am just going to keep doing what I am doing. Tori I hope for your sake your H is not like mine. I hope that for his as well. Maybe he will really feel free and get some of this out of his system. I don't think he intends to hurt you he is just selfish. Much like my H. Hugs.
MKB, the stage you're in is "let the dust settle." Both you and your H need a break from each other before you can move forward. However, this doesn't mean you'll behave in an angry/ aggressive way if you happen to see him. Your H can sense your anger now. Avoid him but be polite if you see him. I'll write more when I'm at my computer.
I have. Basically, as I said, I am actively avoiding him. I've been reading that book after the affair. Looking at it objectively right now I am not sure I want to remain in the relationship. I am feeling less angry than I have in the past. I dunno. Maybe it's another cycle. Maybe not. Maybe things ARE settling and I am figuring out he isn't worth it. I have no idea. I just want to be left alone. I have said repeatedly I didn't feel done. I do more so now. Not sure why or what has changed. I think really I just feel there is NO hope. As in zero. Combine that with the whole back with his one true love and I AM done. I can't explain it well. I sort of wish I cared more. At this moment in time I don't so much. I don't want his mixed signals and BS so he can manipulate me into giving in to what he wants. He has had enough go his way. Now I am doing it my way and he is finally going to get the cut off wife he claimed he always had. Maybe that sounds angry but honestly I don't feel angry. Just tired of the whole situation and his drama. Now tomorrow I may feel differently. I hope in some way I do. In another way, I am glad to not be in the intense pain I was. I'm glad I don't feel as worthless and unlovable as I did initially. I am strangely at peace right now.
It's a pain in the ass, I don't want to deal with it but I'm going to be fine and I will deal with it. Right now, he doesn't see anything wrong with the situation and has no intention of changing or trying to change. Why in the world am I wasting even more energy on this? I am feeling ambivalent. Frankly I am feeling honest and true detachment. lol It's a glorious thing! Yesterday, that whole conversation was so bizarre that I really thought to myself that I am insane to even listen or tolerate it any more. He hung up on me. Normally, I would have called back and we would have continued to go back and forth and back and forth. Or I would have texted something nasty. I didn't do any of that. Then today, I would have waived, I would have answered and been nice. The whole look how wonderful I am thing. lol I didn't and I didn't mind. I didn't have the anxiety or remorse from not talking. I had relief. Then I actually felt bad for letting D12 answer. I should have just ignored him and all his stupidity and let it go to VM. I can assure you the next time I will. The other thing is I feel like I have finally come down off this insane ride. I am exhausted. I was yesterday too. I was in bed before 10 last night and likely will make it before 9 tonight.
So whatever it is. I am enjoying it. :-) Good night.
Just a bit of journaling. Nothing has happened. It is finally a pretty day here so that helps with PMA! My anxiety is back.I'm still only sleeping 2 hours at a time. My feelings are still pretty much the same. I am not as ambivalent but honestly I don't want contact either. In the ideal world I would like for him to have a profound shift in his thinking. A wake up call. I know that is not likely to happen so I guess that is why I don't want contact either. Hopefully I will have a smooth, productive, uneventful NC day.
MKB, the nice weather will help a bit. Try to focus on that today, to give your mind a break. I know how hard it is to not be able to sleep well and feel like crap the next day, and repeat the same thing night after night and day after day. I know exactly how you feel when you say you would like to see a shift in his thinking. I also know you realize that is out of your control.
Create a goal for today. Just for today, when you start to feel anxious or angry, hug one of your kids, or sprint down the street, or do a few jumping jacks, or something that replaces the negative thoughts. I promise I'll do the same---will do the jumping jacks :-)
So I had to actually talk to him about our finances today. I really had no choice. So I also didn't ask him anything which was good. Although, he just sat there. I could tell he had an attitude. No idea about what. While on the phone I had told him some things that are going on with S14 and that I thought he needs to stop seeing his gf (s14's gf I mean) And then I asked what his your opinion on it? He said it doesn't matter what I think because you are going to do what you want anyway and started with his tone. So I just said Sorry you feel that way. I will talk to you later. Bye and hung up. lol it was abrupt. Although to be honest, I could tell he was mad or irritated about something. I really am not sure what. I haven't talked to him since Tuesday of course, that is when he hung up on me. I suspect I stopped the fighting pattern and he has been stewing. Maybe I am wrong. I don't know. So then I sent a text because I knew I was rude and it said, "I didn't call you to fight. Frankly, if I ask you for your thoughts it is because I'd like to hear them. Not sure why you are angry at me today." Of course he never responded and I didn't expect him to. I probably shouldn't have even sent the text. Not sure if it was even the right thing to say. Sorta don't care. I was completely unproductive today. Anxiety came back with a vengeance today. That's never good. I am not sure if it was because I had to talk to him or what. I knew I was going to have to. I was just dreading it.
Oh crap. Not sure what just happened. I think I had a mini break down or something. Just started sobbing. I have these moments where it all seems surreal. I can't believe he would do this to me again. This person I chose, that I trusted above all others. And the nightmare with xw1. Are you even kidding me? I know she wasn't around when he left but she sure seems to be now. I know they were married once but how could anyOne with any send at all want a man that had been married for 13 years to someone else and had 4kids and only been separated for 2 weeks?! How or why would anyone??? Yes we were only married 13 yrs but we were together for 18!!! I'm just shocked. This is certainly like hell on earth. I don't know what I did to deserve this. Yes I know I made mistakes, lots of them but this??? I just can't cope right now. Our anniversary is the 16th of this month and the holidays are coming up its all I've thought about all night. Every time I talk to him and feel all that anger I just can't take it. It's like being punished but I don't know what for. I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I just feel so alone.
Update- So this morning was a nightmare. All 4 kids basically had a meltdown. S14 was the worst. I wound up keeping them home from school and contacting their IC. Basically, we talked through some things. S14 is having issues with H not calling or spending time with him.
At one point - I did call H and say hey this is what's going on, I am taking them to IC and may need you later. So after everything was said and done I called H. He is still stewing and fuming at me. To the point I really can't have a normal conversation. When I called I was in town and knew I would be driving past his house. I said would you rather do this on the phone or in person? I can stop by there or meet you somewhere. His response "Why in the world would I want to do it in person? How many times have I gone to jail because of you?" In a nutshell, the first time he left back in 06 we did get in an altercation and both of us went to jail. Charges were later dropped. Basically, it was to give us a cooling off period. So I said 1 time. You are right. However, I think I was actually in jail longer than you. So he snidely says "well see there you go, I guess that makes it alright then. I don't have to worry about it." We sort of went back and forth. He claims he is not visiting or calling them so that he can avoid me. Which honestly I feel like that is a cop out. One time when he called he and I did get into it. I stated that. You are right one time we did have an argument. I can understand why you might be afraid of that. I factually stated at this point. If you would like to have a relationship and to see your children you need to do so now. S14 in particular has stated this is a problem for him. He wants to see you. I also stated quite plainly that I was not saying it to try to manipulate, control, or cause guilt. My only motivation was the kids. And frankly, although I do have a huge problem with him and how he has handled things, my primary concern is the kids and how they are coping. Obviously, they are not doing well if this morning is any indication. One of the things with S14, he is starting to blame me. I think he feels I should be able to "fix" things. He and I have an exceptionally close relationship. However, he has not been willing to open up to me about his feelings concerning H and I separation. At one point he did say though he thought we were better off without H. Just because we are no longer dealing with the anger and outbursts. I am actually controlling my anger a bit better but I still need work. Anyway, back to H. He just continued to remain confrontational, nasty, and rude. Then at one point, I started to get drawn in and he had his Aha moment. You know what I mean? His validation that I am the one that is angry and arguing. I am the cause of all his problems. I did say that I had been trying to avoid him so as to not have an argument with him. Just like having D12 answer the phone the other day. I also called him on the fact that he was asking who was in my car, that it was none of his business. He claimed he knew it was her. I am like 95% certain he didn't. Whatever. So I took a moment. Calmed down and just hung up. I can say this much though, he has been stewing and mad at me for days now. I can tell by his voice that he is in full blown fury. He has sounded that way since I talked to him on Monday or whatever day it was. Maybe Tuesday. It's all starting to blend together. But it has been several days. I did say I am not certain what I have done or what you think I have done to make you angry. I do not know of anything new. I have repeatedly apologized for my actions in the past. I would love to try to make amends but, up to this point you have not been open to that. I said that midway through the conversation or something. Before his aha moment.
My perception is he is trying to bait me and continue his pattern. He is looking for his validation that I haven't changed or am not changing fast enough. Does that make sense? I suspect he is having lots of guilt and he is trying to justify his behavior. Not sure. I shouldn't try to mind read but it just fits are pattern. I wonder how long he will stew if I don't give him the fight? He is coming over this afternoon. Stated he will be here when the kids get off the bus and will take S14 to his friends to get ready to go dress up for trick or treat that is supposed to happen @ 5 pm.
How should I try to handle him? Should I go out of my way to avoid him or should I act as if and go about doing my normal stuff? How can I verbalize my boundary of not fighting? Do I just say that like I did before? I am not fighting or arguing with you? It worked well but really enraged him. Anyone got tips for helping me keep my cool when all I want to do is scratch his eyes out and beat him with a pan? Throw shoes at him. Hit with a broom, Throw rocks. Hurl insults. In a nutshell, hurt him back. You get the idea. Make him bleed. Why am I like that? It feels so primal and inhumane. I dunno. Suggestions are welcome. Hope everyone here is having a better day than I.
