Wife says she wants divorce, but hasn't left yet

[Neode]

Hello and welcome to the forums!

Thanks.

Have you EVER had any times in your marriage that were great? Because it sounds like the best you ever had was "tolerable". It sounds like you got married for all the wrong reasons.

This is pretty much an accurate assessment. Add to that a whole bunch of changes in both our lifestyles right after marriage, and you have a recipe for disaster, which is what we've got. Basically I'm trying to build something worthwhile out of the mess I'm in. There have been some periods that were happy, but they were always short lived.

[*]Trying to be more proactive about doing housework (not waiting to be asked)

Like Yoda said: "Do. Or do not. There is no try." Or as one of my college professors said: "If you say you 'tried' to do X, then what you're telling me is you were unsuccessful."

This one I've been quite successful at. I have occasional relapses, when I forget, but almost all of the time I'm getting the housework done before she asks.

[*]Not asking for sex or other physical intimacy nearly as often (though still sometimes).

So basically you're "trying" not to ask as often. See above.

Yes. I went from basically constantly begging for physical contact to only trying for goodnight kiss in the evening, goodbye kiss in the morning. The hardest time for me is in the evenings. We typically sit up in the evenings watching TV for an hour or two, and it's hard to resist asking her to cuddle on the couch.

There's that nasty word again. OK, I know in this case you can't just turn PMA (positive mental attitude) on like a switch, so you do have to act at this one. So do act "as if" everything is fine and do your best to maintain a PMA. It'll require less and less acting as time goes on until it just becomes your new attitude.

Will do. It's hard sometimes, though it's been easier since I've started working out again. It's amazing what a bit of exercise will do for your mood.

Yikes! No, don't do that! Do not ever initiate R talks! If she brings it up then listen to her and validate her emotions, but don't bring it up yourself. At this point I would tell her "Look W, it seems pretty clear you don't want to have these conversations and I'm concerned it's doing more harm than good, so would you like to just set this aside for now?"

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

Our talks are still not rigidly scheduled. We just sort of plan them whenever. She still complains whenever I ask to plan one, but generally agrees.

Of course she does, because she sees them as PRESSURE. Pressure is bad! You are pushing her away, even out the door. Stop the pressure![/quote]

Previously they were that way. I would ask about what was wrong, what I could do to fix it, and ask for reassurances. Since reading DB I've been using them to try to get insight into which times are better than others from her perspective, and why, so that I can hopefully reproduce those times. (Trying to figure out what works, so that I can do more of that) Should I abandon this approach?

Yes. DETACH. GET A LIFE. Print out the DB 180 tips and LIVE them. Here are a few:

Thanks, I'll work on them.