Soooooooooooo, went to the shop today because I needed to do an oil change on my truck... When I was done I went into the office and saw W was reading ILYBINILWY book.. She then proceeded to ask me if I had done any of the exercises in the book. I told her I had done a few but mainly the ones which were directed for solo work. I then asked her if she wanted to do some of the exercises together. She said sure "but it would have been nice to know you wanted to do this sooner"...
WTF does that mean?!?! Yet again something that is my fault?? She felt slighted when I told her about the book at MC instead of to her, she told me I should have let her in on it if it was helping me instead of waiting for the MC session for her to find out.
Now she is putting the guilt trip on me because I didnt ask her to do the exercises??
In my head I didnt share or ask because I didnt want to push or pressure.. She however is looking at it as me hiding things from her and not including her in my emotions/feeling which is what I have done for years to help get us in this mess..
Uggggg....
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
W and I had another talk tonight.... I can't tell whether it was a good talk or a bad talk but one thing I know for sure, W has been waiting for me to break out of my shell and talk to her... She says I always am afraid of what will happen if I rock the boat, so much so that I closed her out..
She wants me to speak my mind instead of constantly tip toeing around issues and avoiding the conflict..
Tears were shed and I told her how frustrated I have been and how working on me has been tough but I am making progress every day...
Tough tough night...
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Still throughout the whole conversation we had she never mentioned whether she wanted out or not. So at least I still have hope. She is wearing her rings, talking to me about "Us" and making plans.
Even though we live as room mates who sleep in the same bed it is WAAAAAAAAY better than the alternative...
I see her point from the whole conversation, maybe things were not as gone as I thought they were and I have made things a little tenser by not detaching properly. Either that or doing the wrong 180's...
From what I see I need to start telling her more about things which bug me and grow a set when t comes to the tough discussions. Part of this goes against DBing but then again I feel that the few slip ups I have made have uncovered a WEALTH of information which had not been discovered up until today...
Any Input??
Lots to think about..
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
In my head I didnt share or ask because I didnt want to push or pressure.. She however is looking at it as me hiding things from her and not including her in my emotions/feeling which is what I have done for years to help get us in this mess..
Uggggg....
So let me get this straight (I'm barely catching up on the last part of your thread so I apologize for not reading it all), you used to hide your emotions/feelings from her before all this?
So what's your 180? Is it being careful as to when to talk about R with her? Holding back when your in a neutral setting (ie MC)?
Please explain since I'm new to your sitch.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
That's the thing, my 180's have all been about not pressuring her and working on my anxiety.
When we are in MC I open up. She got mad at me last session because a bunch of stuff came out which she had no idea about. "I feel like I only find out what is going on in your head when we are at MC or when I bring something up".. and she is definitely right...
So I know for sure what she wants out of me and what our R has been missing however she is not sure if it will help at all now. I am going to send an email to the writer of the book explaining my sitch because I am kinda a little lost.
I am very angry at myself this morning because I had two great chances to show her I am trying to bring up the tough subjects and not worry about the boat rocking. And she evenstated " you are still so afraid to rock the boat when we are already sinking." She was in tears telling me how hard it is to be the only one to bring up the tough subjects...
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Oh yeah and apparently at the wedding I had a thinking out loud moment which my sil heard and decided to tell the whole family..
It wasn't anything bad, and I was not even tipsy nor do I remember saying this out loud but I remember thinking some thoughts about how well W is pushing away and detaching. Well some of it must have come out verbally enough for sil to hear and W brought it up last night.. So now I feel angry at myself and at the same time sil AND at W for waiting a week to bring it up to me..
She is saying that I have a hard time bringing up things which might rock the boat but wth isn't this the same thing?
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
She said sure "but it would have been nice to know you wanted to do this sooner"...
WTF does that mean?!?! Yet again something that is my fault??
Come on, you know the routine
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
Don't worry about it, let this stuff be like water off a duck's back. Besides, she did say she was willing to do the exercises, that's a GOOD thing!
I know the rules, but this is different. Something feels different in me today. Something sad, like I feel li missed out on a huge opportunity or something.. Very sad today for some reason...
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
More of the sake old room mate routine, except tomorrow she leaves for 5 days to "get some clarity"... Of course my mind thinks it's to "figure out how best to let you go"... I put those thoughts aside as much as I can.
It makes it even harder since the only complaint from W is that I don't ever have needed conflict with her, that I am a clam when it comes to emotions especially tough ones like anger.
So what should I focus on while she is gone?
I know I will be working out and working on my project, but I really feel in my gut I need to show W at some point I know how to develop GOOD conflict skills and that's going to take an argument or a conflict. Well several of them for her to even think it's real change...
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Anyone used this workshop?? A Friend recommended it to me and I think it will be the last "Idea" I propose to my W... She agreed that we should leave no stone unturned in this decision. An attitude that I am MOST appreciative of.
