H: John (counselor) said I that I have grounds for divorce because of abandonment. C: So divorce me. I’m not going to put up a fight. H: I don’t want to divorce you. I want to mend our M. C: Then why are you talking with John about options for D? H: I wasn’t. I was asking him for suggestions on how to improve things between us. C: So, you’re telling me that in response to you telling him you wanted to “improve your M,” he advised you that you have grounds for divorce? People don’t offer something like that unless the conversation has led them to believe that’s what you’re looking for. This is the same thing you did with your siblings. You claimed you were asking them for things you could do to improve things, and they respond by annihilating my character and suggesting that you give me a D, to which you replied, “Thx! Day by day.” I don’t believe you’re looking for help. I believe you’re looking for validation. H: That’s not true. I’m trying to improve things. C: Then did John suggest anything that you could do to improve things? H: Well, he said he can’t believe that we’re still dealing with issues from 18 years ago. (This is related to H’s claim that I’m always bringing up the past. So, not H's issue, or something he can do something about, but a validation from John that I'm the problem.) C: What issues are we still dealing with from 18 years ago? H: The Supra, for example. C: We’re not still dealing with the Supra. We’re still dealing with lying, which is the problem we had with the Supra. But the lying is a current issue. I will agree, though, I can’t believe we’re still dealing with it either. What else? H: Issues regarding my extended family. (Again, issues H has with me.) C: What issues? H: That you’re still uncomfortable with them. C: Yes, I’m still uncomfortable with them because I know how they feel about me. I’ve dealt with it. I‘ve gone to DSM and been personable, and I’m not hindering your relationship with them in any way. How is that an issue for you? H: Well they can’t come down here. C: Of course they can. H: But you said you wouldn’t be here if they do. C: Yes, and I explained why. But you are more than welcome to entertain them. In the meantime, I’ve been accommodating your wish to go with you to DSM to visit them. H: Well what am I going to say when they want to come down? C: What makes you think they even want to? H: Brother said he and SIL were going to pick a weekend this fall and come down and visit. C: Well, “this fall” is almost over. When did he say that, in August when you were visiting your dad? H: No, it was before then. C: So, May? H: Somewhere around then. C: So why didn’t they come? They weren’t told not to. I would think 4-5 months is long enough to look at their calendar. It’s the same thing they’ve been doing for 18 years: making promises to visit us and never doing it. H: Well it’s just easier for everyone to meet in DSM. C: Then that’s your answer when they ask. “It’s just easier for everyone to meet in DSM.” H: But I’m trying to remedy that problem. C: What problem? H: The problem of them not coming down here. C: Who is that a problem for? H: Well it used to be a huge problem for you. C: OMG! That was 10 years ago!!! For the last 5 years, since the fallout, I have not wanted them to come down here. It is absolutely not a problem for me. H: Well, I think you need to forgive them. C: I have forgiven them. I’ve reengaged. But I know how they feel about me and I’m not going to set myself up for more crap. (The conversation proceeds with a condemnation of CV for not being forgiving and not acting like a Christian, etc.)
