My husband told me he did not love me and wants a divorce in mid-July this year. I did the usual begging for us to work on our marriage. I finally caved and told him "ok" a few weeks ago. He was just so unhappy and didn't WANT to save our marriage.
Since then, things have been weird. He wants to stay "friends." Of course. And while a part of me truly believes this, because he even admitted a month and a half ago that I was his "best friend right now," another, more cynical part of me thinks he only wants to be friends so that the divorce will be more amicable and cheaper.
We still live in the same house, and even sleep in the same bed! I just can't kick him out of the bedroom right now because it is NOT what I ultimately want. But it confuses the heck out of me!!!
In the first few months after he dropped the bomb on me, we both ended up traveling for work quite a lot AND had both our fathers visiting in between (they don't know yet). So, my husband said he was being lazy about not moving into the guest bedroom, because he'd just have to move back when company came over. This was when we were "trying" to work on our marriage. But since late September, we have both been home. And, when I finally agreed to "give" him the divorce three weeks ago, he still has not moved into the spare bedroom! The first few nights he wore more clothing to bed than usual, and he "mummified" himself with the blanket, tucking it under him to go to sleep. But when I commented on it, saying it was like he couldn't even touch me in his sleep, he made excuses, but untucked himself.
I told him the next morning that I was on the cusp of actually hating him, and he was shocked. He hugged me before leaving for work, and more that evening. And, while the number of hugs he's given me have dwindled since then, he's given me a hug every night in bed and held my hand while we go to sleep.
My question is WHY? Why does a person who wants out of a marriage still sleep next to their spouse? Yes, our bed IS more comfortable than the guest bed, but it's not a huge difference. And he doesn't close the bathroom door when using the toilet or shower like he did the first few weeks after dropping the bomb.
Except for the nightly hug and the lack of kisses and endearments, things are practically like they were before all of this! And I just don't understand why. It's driving me batty!
Can anyone please give me hope that he might still want me? About a month ago he told me that he finally realized that stuff/things mean nothing and that all he really has in this life is Time and he didn't want to spend it with me. But that's all we HAVE been doing! We still talk about things as before; he shares funny things from the internet; AND he's been talking about Christmas presents! I'm utterly confused.
Some basic info on us: me 36, him almost 42. Married 13.5 years, together 15. No children, but 3 cats. We met while we were both in the military; he is still a soldier. It may be naive, but I do not believe there is another person in the mix.
I am reading both DB and DR and am trying my best to detach and do 180's. I have done a lot of soul searching these past few months, and I've been working on my issues. I'm not perfect; never will be. But I CAN become a better person. I have not brought up our marriage since "agreeing" and haven't even mentioned the divorce (or its aftermath) for the last two weeks or so. I've been trying to be pleasant and happy around him. Sometimes I get moody, but I've finally stopped crying in front of him.
Sorry for the long post, but can ANYONE help me understand what may be going on in his head? Thank you.
Me: 36 H: 42 M: 13.5 T: 15 No kids; 3 cats IDLY: Mid-Jul 2012 I Give In: Early Oct 2012
Sorry for the long post, but can ANYONE help me understand what may be going on in his head? Thank you.
CONFUSION DEPRESSION
Welcome to the board.
You can always have HOPE as long as it is within YOU.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it. Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.
Your H is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. Use it wisely.
I can see the confusion, but the idea of him being depressed right now surprises me. When I caved in, it was because he actually started crying, saying that he NEEDED to leave (our marriage / me). After a while, when we both calmed down some, and I said "ok," he leapt on me, hugging and grinning! Later that day, he started whistling when doing some chores - something I hadn't realized was missing for a long time...
He's not so cheerful as he was that afternoon, but depressed? Obviously, there is something I'm not getting...
Me: 36 H: 42 M: 13.5 T: 15 No kids; 3 cats IDLY: Mid-Jul 2012 I Give In: Early Oct 2012
My husband told me he did not love me and wants a divorce in mid-July this year. I did the usual begging for us to work on our marriage. I finally caved and told him "ok" a few weeks ago. He was just so unhappy and didn't WANT to save our marriage.
Right now he feels caged in. Your job is to open the cage door. If he says he wants a D, then validate his emotions. This doesn't mean agreeing or disagreeing, it's just telling him things like "you sound frustrated in the M, I can understand why you feel that way and I support you in your decision." This will diffuse the conflict and make him feel like you're on his side instead of warring with him. If he says he wants to leave then tell him "I understand why you feel that way, and I want you to be happy. If you think this will make you happy then I support you." Again, you're not telling him to leave, you are just validating his feelings. That's opening the cage door. He may decide he doesn't want to step outside after all once he realizes he's not caged in. But even if he does leave, that's not the end of it. Some people need to leave to get the time and space they want.
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I just can't kick him out of the bedroom right now because it is NOT what I ultimately want. But it confuses the heck out of me!!!
Don't kick him out, let him make those choices. You stay in the bed regardless though. If he wants to leave then let him. But you act "as if" everything is fine no matter what he does.
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My question is WHY? Why does a person who wants out of a marriage still sleep next to their spouse?
Because he's not logical or rational right now. He's operating purely off of emotions. He will say and do things that don't make sense and contradict each other. Don't try to figure it out, just detach and leave him to it.
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Can anyone please give me hope that he might still want me?
Sure, not right now but stick to DB'ing and there's a good chance of reconciling down the road. There are no guarantees, but DB'ing has a much better success rate than other techniques.
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But I CAN become a better person.
Good. Make that your focus. He will notice. Don't say it, just do it. Give him time to accept your changes.
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I have not brought up our marriage since "agreeing" and haven't even mentioned the divorce (or its aftermath) for the last two weeks or so.
Great, don't ever initiate conversations like this. If he brings it up then talk to him, but don't bring it up yourself.
It helps a great deal to hear that I'm on the right track, for the most part anyway.
Unfortunately, my husband and I had a "talk" last night, and it went all pear-shaped on me. We started out by discussing how to pay for his new computer (which he really does need). He kept saying "we" and "our" throughout! I see this as positive signs, but I made the mistake of asking him about that, because I was confused.
Of course nothing has changed in his mind. So, I'm trying to backpedal now and get myself back to where I was. And it's so freaking HARD!
During our relationship talk, his body language was SO closed off and defensive... Hunched shoulders, head down, legs together, arms tight to his body... I realized that we were both sitting like that! I mentioned it and made a point to try sitting up straight and taking a few deep breaths. It makes me wonder, though...
Ultimately, I told him that I want him to be happy, and if this is the only way... I *did* tell him I loved him. I know - big mistake! I also told him that I didn't think I could be friends with him after a divorce. He said he understood that, and if that's what happens, he accepts it.
I suppose just SAYING that was another form of pressure to him. "You divorce me and we won't even be friends!" I didn't say it like that, but essentially what's the difference? But I really don't think I COULD be friends anymore! It would be more painful to me than it is now.
So, after our talk we hugged and he went to run an errand. I asked if he could find something to do (in our rural town) for an hour, "to give me time to compose myself." He agreed. Then, I called my father (a widower).
I've avoided discussing this with my dad because telling him would have made it too real, and if we reconciled, then I didn't want to hurt him. But, my sister (younger, divorced, and knows about my husband and I) thought I should tell him. She was right.
My husband called about an hour later, and asked if I wanted pizza for dinner. I said that was fine, and we chatted some. He came home, we ate and watched TV, and it was like the talk never happened! Bedtime came around and it was the same as usual...
I don't know how much longer I can last before I backslide again. I know I have to detach from him... I need to REALLY do the Last Resort Technique and Get a Life, and not be so available to him!
But, our 15 year anniversary of being together is around the corner, and I miss having my Husband with me... This other person I live with looks and sounds and acts an awful lot like my Husband, but it isn't him... I wish he'd return to me...
Me: 36 H: 42 M: 13.5 T: 15 No kids; 3 cats IDLY: Mid-Jul 2012 I Give In: Early Oct 2012
My 9-year anniversary is next week, and I am preparing myself emotionally. It is just another day of the week this year. It is on a Wednesady, and that is church day.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
Thanks Grateful... I'm trying to think of today as just another day... It's not easy. While we've never been big on celebrations, it has always been a little important to me.
And thank you, Chatterbug. I looked up Pearlharbr and am reading her threads right now. While there are some significant differences, I definitely see many similarities, too! Sometimes she'll say something, and it'll be like someone was reading my mind.
As for being friends with him... We were always friends! From the first day we met there was an instant connection between us. Both as someone we found mentally interesting and intriguing, as well as being physically attracted to each other. (Although, I inadvertently made him chase me for MONTHS before we started going out. I didn't know that's what was going on, but in hindsight? Yeah, he had to work for me!)
Right now, I want to maintain GOOD feelings around him. I want him to associate happy things with me, rather than negative ones. But, I don't think I can do it once a divorce is final. That's what I meant...
But the "cake eating" has been through my mind, too! I want him to start pursuing me again, because people tend to value what they have to work for! The first time was me just being ignorant and young, thinking we were really just friends! So, I don't know how to implement tough love and set new boundaries. I hope I can learn something from PearlHarbr and anyone else here.
Anyway, I asked my husband on Tuesday (during our R talk) if he would be okay with me initiating hugs sometimes. He's been giving me regular, nightly hugs since I told him about the "ball of hate". Sometimes in the mornings, too. I know part of the reason is to keep us on good terms; I told him I was scared of being vindictive if it grew... And he wants things to be as amicable as possible and keep the cost low. I'm trying to be realistic about our situation. But, I'm also hoping that there is a part of him that WANTS hugs, too!
He wanted a hug, for himself, when we were wrapping up our talk. I didn't notice immediately because I was still crying and blowing my nose. But, it seemed like he felt rejected when I didn't hug him immediately... just a feeling I got... Maybe THAT is part of our problem?
I know hugging him a lot would NOT be a 180, not entirely, anyway. I've always hugged him... But, releasing first IS a 180. And not expecting and craving HIM to initiate a majority of our hugs would also be a 180 - for me.
But, is it a good idea? I don't know. If he avoided touching me, I might think more hugs would be a bad idea - pressure! But, while he doesn't go out of his way to touch me (NOT his primary Love Language!), there are times lately when it seems like he finds excuses to do just that! The other day when I was washing the dishes, he was petting the cats and talking cute to them, and then he "patted" / stroked my head, acting like I was one of the cats, too! All in fun, but a part of me was thrilled! He touched me! Because HE wanted to, not because he thought *I* needed it.
And yesterday, I needed help with my costume, and he would spin me around, pinning various areas. But his hands! They were *definitely* in places that no "friend" would put them! At least not without an "oops!" I glanced at him, and his face was all business, so I didn't mention it.
What do you all think? I KNOW I'm probably reading too much into these tiny details, but that's all I seem to have sometimes.
How do I do "Tough Love?" Should I give HIM hugs? I know I don't want to overdo it, and create pressure...
Me: 36 H: 42 M: 13.5 T: 15 No kids; 3 cats IDLY: Mid-Jul 2012 I Give In: Early Oct 2012
He's not so cheerful as he was that afternoon, but depressed? Obviously, there is something I'm not getting...
Yes it is called MASKED DEPRESSION because you can not see it, they are running away to search for happiness. When you let him go he thought that he was going to get happy but it will not work that way and nothing EXTERNAL will bring him this happiness.
He's not so cheerful as he was that afternoon, but depressed? Obviously, there is something I'm not getting...
Yes it is called MASKED DEPRESSION because you can not see it, they are running away to search for happiness. When you let him go he thought that he was going to get happy but it will not work that way and nothing EXTERNAL will bring him this happiness.
Thanks for explaining, Cadet. I've never heard of Masked Depression before... But it makes sense. While Divorce Busting, do you think there is anything I should concentrate on specifically? I truly DO want my husband to be happy! I don't want him to be depressed... Which is just one reason why I "caved."
Me: 36 H: 42 M: 13.5 T: 15 No kids; 3 cats IDLY: Mid-Jul 2012 I Give In: Early Oct 2012
