It helps a great deal to hear that I'm on the right track, for the most part anyway.
Unfortunately, my husband and I had a "talk" last night, and it went all pear-shaped on me. We started out by discussing how to pay for his new computer (which he really does need). He kept saying "we" and "our" throughout! I see this as positive signs, but I made the mistake of asking him about that, because I was confused.
Of course nothing has changed in his mind. So, I'm trying to backpedal now and get myself back to where I was. And it's so freaking HARD!
During our relationship talk, his body language was SO closed off and defensive... Hunched shoulders, head down, legs together, arms tight to his body... I realized that we were both sitting like that! I mentioned it and made a point to try sitting up straight and taking a few deep breaths. It makes me wonder, though...
Ultimately, I told him that I want him to be happy, and if this is the only way... I *did* tell him I loved him. I know - big mistake! I also told him that I didn't think I could be friends with him after a divorce. He said he understood that, and if that's what happens, he accepts it.
I suppose just SAYING that was another form of pressure to him. "You divorce me and we won't even be friends!" I didn't say it like that, but essentially what's the difference? But I really don't think I COULD be friends anymore! It would be more painful to me than it is now.
So, after our talk we hugged and he went to run an errand. I asked if he could find something to do (in our rural town) for an hour, "to give me time to compose myself." He agreed. Then, I called my father (a widower).
I've avoided discussing this with my dad because telling him would have made it too real, and if we reconciled, then I didn't want to hurt him. But, my sister (younger, divorced, and knows about my husband and I) thought I should tell him. She was right.
My husband called about an hour later, and asked if I wanted pizza for dinner. I said that was fine, and we chatted some. He came home, we ate and watched TV, and it was like the talk never happened! Bedtime came around and it was the same as usual...
I don't know how much longer I can last before I backslide again. I know I have to detach from him... I need to REALLY do the Last Resort Technique and Get a Life, and not be so available to him!
But, our 15 year anniversary of being together is around the corner, and I miss having my Husband with me... This other person I live with looks and sounds and acts an awful lot like my Husband, but it isn't him... I wish he'd return to me...
Me: 36 H: 42 M: 13.5 T: 15 No kids; 3 cats IDLY: Mid-Jul 2012 I Give In: Early Oct 2012
