Keep breathing...

[mamabird]

I had a moment of weakness this morning. I don't know if I can call it a backslide because I don't think it was.

The lack of emotional support is really starting to get to me. It's almost like a form of torture to be honest. I know that I need to be strong and get through it but at times it gets to be too much to bear. I hurt my knee yesterday, and we have had a lot of problems with our renter over the past week. We haven't gotten her rent check and she is conveniently not returning my phone calls and texts. We have been kissing her a$$ nonstop so I am not sure what her problem is.

Anyway, my H comes along this am and says (to the kids), "Who needs a hug?" and I say, "I do.". He complies but very hesitantly. I tell him that this is what I need and he says he doesn't want to have the conversation right now. Last night I asked him for comfort too and he couldn't come up with much.

He sees that I am upset by this though and tells me to have a good day, which isn't much but I think he is trying. Or at least he thinks he is. Breakdown says he doesn't know HOW to love me so I am trying to keep that in perspective. On the other hand, I keep thinking back to a time about a year ago when I had a breakdown (no pun intended), and his response was that he knew I needed more from him but he had nothing left to give me. Now I am wondering why I didn't ask him why he thought it was ok for me to be last on the list. Or more importantly, why I accepted that it was ok.

Regarding his birthday, he finally committed to a simple family dinner out, and I'm pleased with that plan. I got him a card with a little roller coaster on it that basically said that even though we have our ups and downs that our relationship was still the most important thing in the world to me and that he is a wonderful H. It seemed appropriate without being over the top.